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Feeling like crap again


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First let me say this is "wemble." I'm posting from my iPod and have no idea if I'm signed in or not.

Anyway the basic just of this is I feel like I'm headed toward another mixed state again. But I'm visiting my in laws and are no where near home. My pdoc wanted to see me but obviously can't so he upped my seroquel and told me to try and get in with a pdoc for a consult down here (which is next to impossible). My mother in law got me an appt with her t doc who gave us some pdoc numbers so we'll see about that...

I'm feeling a little better than this morning, or should I say more sedated from th sequel an extra klonopin I threw in there but it's still brewing under the surface. I feel very out of sorts being away from home and feeling like this. Theres some really not nice shot fon on in my head and I'm afraid of being too honest with this lady I'm seeing today (partly bc I don't know her and partly bc I'm afraid of what might happen). I hate being a burden like this to everyone. This is my hubby's vacation where he gets to see his family, show off our daughter, and see his friends (on of which he hasn't seen in years who's also bipolar and having a tough time which only adds to my guilt).

I just feel lost and uncomfortable and not functional (still doing stuff but it takes a lot of energy and mental anguish). I want to curl up in a hole somewhere and just stop existing for a little while...

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That really sucks. And I understand your hesitation with being too honest.

However, the less they know the less they can help you.

Maybe you could have the person you are seeing tomorrow call your pdoc before they make any changes/prescriptions. That way, yes, they see you, hear you.. get a clinical sense, and also get some history and can make a decision from both.

I don't know if that's possible... but I hope things get better.

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Saw the t doc my MIL got me in with. She was nice but it was really a waste of time. Not much she could do. Can't get in with any pdocs here which is typical.

I'm feeling a bit better with the extra seroquel, or should I say more sedated. At least the skin crawling anxiety isn't there all that much. I'm still taking all of my prn klonopin. but I'm much more functional.

I just really don't like the thoughts in my head... I have no intention of acting on them but they're insistent and not god thoughts. Plus now my dads in the hospital. He's dine but I almost lost it when i found out yesterday. Literally almost ran away and called my pdoc in hysterics if my MIl hasn't been there. Oh well...

Thanks for the replies and sorry I'm such a PITA.

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I'm debating if i should call my pdoc again. the seroquel helped, sedated me a bunch and took the edge off my anxiety. That and the klonopin is making me more "functional" (though dopey!). It's just that my head is still bothering me.

It's a couple of things actually. My memory is crappy. I've asked my husband if things have happened, like repeatedly. "did you do this?" "...yes" then again a little while later "did this really happen?" and on and on. I'm forgetting other events (for example we apparently had a whole conversation about a wine bottle with a ridiculous picture on it on Sunday and I completely forgot about it and it took a step by step description for me to vaguely remember it). I also keep "combining" days and events, insisting that I ate something at dinner that I didn't and checking the bill to robe it only to be reminded I had it for dinner two days ago. days keep combining together. I'd have no idea what day it is if it weren't for my phone. My head is all muddled.

I've also been having the "I want to die" voice in the back of my head (I don't) and the strange impulse/urge to OD (I have no desire to. Its just an urging) and find myself looking for ways to hurtyaelf even though I don't have the intention to. I've had this before and though it's unsettling I'm kinda used to it. It's more this combined with the memory thing that's freaking me out (way back when I had the same sort of thing an woke up not remembering the night before and if I has ODed or not. I hadnt but I was afraid to be aroun myself. It was a crappy time).

And then there's the while wanting to crawl into a hole and stop existing for a while... And feeling totally and completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything... I went for a walk outside with DH and felt like I was going to explode. There was too much space around me and I needed/wanted to be contained. DH said he's going to buy me a weighted vest. Heh.

But then I'm pretty calm and collected on the surfacefrom the meds and am able to do stuff like sit and chat with people, which I could do before.

Should I just try and ride out the week and call when I get back or is another call due sooner rather than later?

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When in doubt, always call pdoc. There's no harm in it, and it just might help. You do also always have the option of going to the ER wherever you are. That can actually be a really good way to get seen in a situation like yours.

Also, STOP apologizing and feeling guilty! Easier said than done, I know, but try. You have a chronic illness. Despite doing your best to take care of yourself, you will sometimes have break through symptoms. This is in no way within your control, or your fault. Really, it isn't.

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Yes, please stop apologizing! i can really relate. changes in my routine and situation really exacerbate my illness and I find travelling really tiring indeed, not to mention the stresses of dealing with in laws. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay level.

I'd say putting another call in to pdoc couldn't hurt, given what you are experiencing.

Anna

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I'm starting to get self destructive again. Drinking, burning, etc. Just a little but still. I can't be tiouched and I'm really just a mess even when doped up in meds. I think a call to the pdoc will be in store for be de pending in how u feel. I'd call tonight but between the extra klonopin and seroquel u can barely finish this post. I just don't like where my head is going:

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I don't know who "he" is that you're referring to... My DH isn't bipolar... Then again, I just woke up so all bets are off as far as my memory goes.

So far so good today, but I haven't gotten out of bed yet so we'll see how things go. I'll call if needed. Thanks everyone.

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You are doing what you can and your brains not cooperating. That is absolutely not your fault. Other fair human beings will get that too.

Please put in a call today and, if nothing else, read through what you wrote in your last two posts. It'll help your pdoc know how things are going downhill.

As mentioned, the er can be a really great option when you are out of town and in a mood state.

You are doing what you can and your brains not cooperating. That is absolutely not your fault. Other fair human beings will get that too.

Please put in a call today and, if nothing else, read through what you wrote in your last two posts. It'll help your pdoc know how things are going downhill.

As mentioned, the er can be a really great option when you are out of town and in a mood state.

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I don't know who "he" is that you're referring to... .

Nevermind I get it.. My DHs friend is bipolar. We saw him when we first got in an apparently got overwhelmed by everything and we haven't seen him since. DH said his mom said he had an anxiety attack which he's never had before so they're trying to figure out what to so with him. Something about that doesn't seem right. There's something else going on or that for lost in communication but whatever. Either way it's been generally determined that he's worse off than me so I need to suck it up (story of my life). I don't really care who's worse than who. He's having a hard time and so am I and both of those things need to be acknowledged.

End tangent.

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Talked to pdoc. No real advice except that he'll call me tomorrow to check up on me an schedule an appt for when I get back in town. Oh, and that I should probably look for someone who specializes in bipolar because "we've tries a bunch of things and it's not fair me". I can respect that I guess but now I feel completely abandoned and hopeless. He's gonna keep seeing me until I find someone else but still...

I also couldn't brim myself to tell him anything other that I feel like crap. It's so hard to get that stuff out of my mouth and phone calls make it even harder. Someone might be listening etc.

I just feel lost.

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Feeling like a fraud or that I have no real reason to be in this much distress is something I commonly feel. It's so hard to snap out of the feelings of guilt or shame, but Wemble you have to remember to take care of yourself. You're worth it.

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