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You know how she is

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I guess I can use the word introduction as a jumping off point...I'm Emily, and I am 33, and I am in Seattle, WA.

My mental illness history goes back as far as I can remember. I have been diagnosed with ADD, depression, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder and anxiety...it's been kind of hard figuring out which is going on most of the time. I also have ulcerative colitis and anemia, which just puts me in a crappy mood sometimes.

I have a wonderful husband who is definitley my better half, we have been married for 9 years, and I haven't yet fucked things up too badly...which is pretty remarkable for me.

We have 4 adorable young kids, and I have tried to become a better person for them...at least a slightly less selfish version of the old me. I would honestly do anything in the world for them, and like most parents, love them more than I could ever describe...I feel bad for them a lot though, because I wouldn't want to live with someone like me.

Our oldest child is 9 and he has autism... he is very kind and smart with a fantastic memory. Although he is getting great help and therapy at school, I worry about him all the time and sometimes just don't want to let him out of the house. Our other 3 children are girls, and our oldest daughter is 8...she has also had some developmental delays which she got lots of help, but is acclimating very well in school and has lots of friends...at home she has some very extreme mood swings, so at this point there are obvious concerns about her mental issues in the future...but how that unfolds remains to be seen...and of course I worry about her all the time too.

I have had a steady rotation of different meds over the years in an attempt to find something that will help with my depression, mood swings, anxiety, outbursts of rage, lack of impulse control, and inability to do anything productive for more than a couple minutes.

My mental problems have gotten worse as I get older, and some days I don't get out of bed at all...which is where the wonderful husband comes in handy, with the responsibilities of 4 kids and all. So, we are working on me. I have done a variety of stupid things, and I have repeated the same self destructive behaviors over and over again...pretty much my only success in life has been finding a man who will do anything in the world for me, and will take care of our wonderful children when I slip into one of my states of complete uselessness. When I am awake and alert I dote on them and do things with them as much as I can so I can be a part of what is going on in their lives at school and home...two of them are not in school yet, so I am home with them all day, but not always in my full capacity...often in my waking hours I have crying spells about how I am not good enough for them. At one point in time I was able to live on my own and support myself, but that isn't the case now. I have tried working a few times in the past 10 years and I can never stay at a job...I missed my kids and cried all the time. So, I stay here...where I don't do a great job either...but I am with them at least. I freak out every night thinking about my older two going to school in the morning and my husband going to work, I always want them to stay home, and I worry so much that sometimes I don't go to sleep until 8 or 9 in the morning...which leads to more sleeping during the day.

The phrase " Well, you know how Emily is..." is a common one in my gossipy extended family. I have had problems with drugs and alcohol, and all the stupid choices that happen because of them. I started taking Suboxone about 5 years ago and I am now taking buprenorphine to curb the desire to consume any habit forming substance I could find. I have very little self control that I am aware of, and considering all of it, my life could be much worse...but I wish I could be better so I could give a little bit more back to the people I love so much.. Currently I am also taking Venlafaxine, lamictal and just started nuvigil, after switching from adderall back to ritalin and back a number of times.

Anyway, sorry to be so long here...nice to meet everyone :)

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Emily, welcome to Crazyboards. I hope you enjoy hanging out with the crazies, and please let us know if there is anything you don't understand.

When you write again, I would love to read it all, but I can't read the typeface you used in your intro. I don't know if it's too small or what, but some of us older folks need larger print. It's not a criticism--just a suggestion for your next post.

Good luck and I'm glad you found us.


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