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Why trust people?


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How do you trust people when even your closest and long term friends betray you? It feels like a matter of time before everyone I know who claims to care about me will betray me, and I'm finding it increasingly harder to live a normal life with that in mind. :/

I want friends, but I want to lock myself away and never go out. I've always been betrayed by lovers, and the occasional friend, but never such a close one. I'm not sure what the point is when people don't care about others, or why I should continue to waste my energy being nice to people?

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I dont trust anyone and I have a hard time even talking to people I dont know well. For me it comes from my history of abuse and its been really hard to get rid of. Its compounded by a lot of bad experiences with random people out in public.

Try talking about the recent betrayals with a therapist, and -perhaps- whats really going on is that they set off feelings of betrayal from earlier on in childhood. If thats the case, eventually you should be able to feel it and put it to rest.

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Nobody's perfect. It is unrealistic to expect them to be. Even the very closest person will let you down at some point - just as you will let them down at some point as well. The key is how things get resolved. Yeah, there are some jerks out there who won't have remorse, but there are also plenty of people who do feel badly when they hurt someone they care about (or even a mere aquaintance) and want to restore the relationship. If you don't trust enough to be willing to forgive and put yourself out there for possible restoration, then resolution is not possible either.

Paradoxally (sp?) one of the ways relationships are strengthened is through conflict, because trust is built when you realize the other person does care enough to fix things. I'm not saying all people are like this, and I know it can massively hurt when your current circle doesn't seem to include any such people. But if you don't try, you won't ever know. (And yes, sometimes that's easier said than done.)

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I dont trust anyone and I have a hard time even talking to people I dont know well. For me it comes from my history of abuse and its been really hard to get rid of. Its compounded by a lot of bad experiences with random people out in public.

Try talking about the recent betrayals with a therapist, and -perhaps- whats really going on is that they set off feelings of betrayal from earlier on in childhood. If thats the case, eventually you should be able to feel it and put it to rest.

I've had my first session with a social worker today, and I can't say I feel any better about everyone else although I feel ok about myself. I had quite a good childhood, but adulthood has proved entirely fruitless. :(

Nobody's perfect. It is unrealistic to expect them to be. Even the very closest person will let you down at some point - just as you will let them down at some point as well. The key is how things get resolved. Yeah, there are some jerks out there who won't have remorse, but there are also plenty of people who do feel badly when they hurt someone they care about (or even a mere aquaintance) and want to restore the relationship. If you don't trust enough to be willing to forgive and put yourself out there for possible restoration, then resolution is not possible either.

Paradoxally (sp?) one of the ways relationships are strengthened is through conflict, because trust is built when you realize the other person does care enough to fix things. I'm not saying all people are like this, and I know it can massively hurt when your current circle doesn't seem to include any such people. But if you don't try, you won't ever know. (And yes, sometimes that's easier said than done.)

I don't believe in perfection, and I grow greatly incensed at those who believe the hollywood romance ideals and the books they read and then bring those hangups into the real world. It seems to me that most people use that as an excuse for laziness, for running away at the first sign of trouble. There are also many people who simply don't care, so long as they have what they wanted.

You're probably right that some people out there aren't like that, but I seem to so rarely find them, and when I think I have I seem to be wrong, even after a decade or more. I'll admit I'm not very forgiving, but it depends on the circumstance and on what I believe the intent was. The latest friend I lost, I don't believe had any intent to hurt me, so I'm trying to maintain a friendship, but they just don't want to know! So now I wonder if perhaps it was deliberate, or callously selfish after all.

Maybe nowadays the facebook generation doesn't value true friendship, and only wants quantity over quality. :/

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Yeah, I know the feeling. It seems like however much you care about someone, however much you share your thoughts with them, they always drift away; find some more exciting happier people. What's the point in making deep connections with someone if they won't bother to keep them?

Maybe I'm just upset because by best and only real friend just stopped talking to me about a month ago, with no explanation. There'd been no argument, no crisis. She just got a boyfriend, gradually stopped telling me things about her life and then vanished.

I've never met anybody else apart from her who's mind works as similarly to mine. Now I just talk to my parents and exchange fleeting, awkward remarks with acquaintances at college.

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Why trust people? I guess the flip question would be, why not?

It can be hard to trust people - I think for me, people need to earn my trust. I find it hard to trust people as well, but I've come to accept, as hard as it is for me, that people are unpredictable and sometimes, for a myriad number of reasons, friendships drift apart and people go their own ways. It's no-one's fault sometimes, it just happens. All I can do is take what I can from the memories and move on.

Not trusting people at all, on the other hand, is not a way to live because it's isolating and being constantly vigilant is draining on your energy. Everyone lives within their own bubble to an extent and everyone holds other people to varying degrees away, but holding most people completely away is just plain tiring.

I think you touch on the answer to why not to trust - because it is damaging when that trust is betrayed, and if it happens too much, as is often the case with so many untrustworthy people, it can eventually take it's toll just as much as being constantly vigilant can.

Trust should be give and take and not be one-sided, and it should be earned, but very few people are worth the time and effort it takes.

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  • 5 months later...

Trust should be give and take and not be one-sided, and it should be earned, but very few people are worth the time and effort it takes.

so true. and the ones you feel may be worth the effort are still looking out for #1 and if a need arises, they will drop you like a bowl of hot spaghettios.

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Yes, I am very selective about my true friends and always have been. For this reason, my trust has rarely been betrayed.

I find going very slowly to be worthwhile.

Anna

I have plenty of good reasons not to trust people, but if I'd stayed in that place forever, I would be alone, rather than happily married with my select group of friends. That said, my marriage has involved conflict and betrayals of trust that had to be worked through and actually strengthened the relationship.

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I don't trust anyone, period. i keep people at arm's lenght. i wish like hell there would just be that one person i could talk to about everything trust completley and would let me cry on their shoulder and not judge me...but no search person will ever exist. sigh. don't trust anyone until they have earned your trust, even then stay weary.

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  • 3 months later...

I think that if you start off thinking that people are untrustworthy, then inevitably you will find reasons to not trust them. You might not be conscious of the process but if you start off thinking of people in a negative light, then there is a higher chance of viewing their actions and behaviours in such a way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you look hard enough for something, you might unintentionally distort the actual situation because you are focused on viewing something in a certain light.

This.

It's easy to not trust someone, it's easier to point out their flaws and push them away than to accept that they, just as yourself, are human, and as such will make human mistakes. There's less chance of being hurt by never trusting anyone, but feeling hurt is a part of life, it's what allows us to learn, and grow, and experience the world in the wonderful ways that we do. Likewise, it's easier to condemn a person for their wrongdoings than it is to forgive and learn together from the experience.

Why trust? Do you want friends? Do you want people that care? If you don't trust, you'll never have any of that. If you take a chance, and you put your trust in others yeah you'll meet some jerks along the way, but you'll also meet many great companions who can help you through the hurt the jerks create. You don't need to throw on the rose-coloured glasses and be all, "life is wonderful people are great this world is full of pretty pink elephants and fuzzy popples!!!1", just accept that people make mistakes, that relationships require work and sometimes you - or they - will feel let down, but that the relationship can and will grow from that experience if you dare give it a chance.

Or you can continue taking the easy way, end up a hermit and spend the rest of your life constantly angry and upset that you don't have any friends instead of occasionally angry and upset that your friend fucked up.

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