Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Hey! I am a 27 yr old student at NCSU (Go Pack!) and also work very part/time at a medical clinic. Sometimes it is impossible for me to go to class and/or work because of my panic disorder. I take mostly online classes when it is possible and in many areas of my life my anxiety/panic disorders slow me down and drag me backwards. I am (surprise surprise) a Psych major and trying to get into Grad School with a focus on Counseling. Even though I'm crazy myself, it doesn't mean I can't help others! :) My sister also has anxiety disorders and depression, my Mom had anxiety/depression, and we believe other members on that side of the family as well. I have been off/on meds since I was in high school, just over 10 years now. I have become "immune" it seems to benzo's and just switch around which ones I'm taking every 6 months or so. I have gone on and off anti-depressants sometimes due to money/no insurance or because I just want to be "tough". Currently I DO have insurance and am trying to be smart while I (finally) work towards graduation. There are times when I feel like I am doing GREAT and am going out, having fun, and holding my anxious thoughts and obsessive worries at bay but usually they overpower me and I will be in a panicked state. I have been agoraphobic before and hope like hell that won't happen again. I am in "my prime" right now, I have a wonderful, beautiful partner - Jess - of over 2 years, a lovely home and 3 fur-babies. I really want to live the best life that I can and not let my anxiety rule my life for me as it usually does. There are times when I get so down that I feel like living is worthless and I am just a burden to everyone because of my "issues" and I could just curl up on the couch for days. Again, I do have good moments -- and I have come through a lot and am still here which is pretty great. I think I was always an "anxious" child, a little worrywart...but it was after my parents broke up when I was 13-14 years old when I noticed it slowly creep in and start to take over. I started getting anxious about school and missed a lot. I felt relief when I knew I didn't have to leave the house. My Mom seemed to understand and let me continue to avoid what I was fearing. This continuous avoidance led to anxiety about going places -- particularly school. My Mom then had a boyfriend move in to the house and he turned out to be a complete asshole who sexually molested me at 15. I went to live with my Dad, was in therapy, on meds and throughout I lost my supportive Mom who believed her boyfriend's story over mine. My anxiety sky-rocketed from there. While I had good times living with my Dad and sister (the 3 of us became and still are very close) I was really sick with anxiety/panic. I had a hard time with school...for awhile we weren't sure if I'd make it and graduate. However, I did it! I had a great support system within the school and outside with my family and therapist and at times, my Mom. My Dad re-married, I came out as a lesbian, my step-mom rejected this, I dropped out of college. I stayed with my Mom, and her new boyfriend was crazy as well but he was horrible to my Mom...it was scary and frightening and she kept promising she'd kick him out but never did. I ended up feeling lost at home in NC and moved to FL with my then-girlfriend and we survived bouncing from one place to the next, living in awful, menial and poor conditions. It was an awful time, my anxiety, panic, emetophobia, agoraphobia were in high gear. I couldn't work, I couldn't do anything. I relied completely on my ex and her family and really did overhear conversations about my being a burden. While this was happening back home my Mom was being physically abused by her boyfriend and she lost her cars and home and ended up homeless and then they settled into a motel room and lived there. Even after going to prison and her moving to FL to be with me for a little while she still went back to him. I moved back home to live with my sister, 3 years younger than me, and she was going through an alcohol phase (which has never ended!) and I got into therapy with a wonderful therapist and was able to work full/time. I was on effexor and xanax/klonopin at that point. (In FL and previously I had been taking paxil, celexa, buspar...just a bunch of dif't ones) and I was doing GREAT. My emetophobia-fear of vomiting-was also not so bad at this point either. I was going out, working a regular 7-6 schedule, and had fun. A year later I get into a terrible relationship, she just ruined me emotionally and my Mom was still having a hard time while my Dad was living nicely as was my sister and I but I was afraid to take her in again because I knew she'd allow him into our lives and I was protective of my sister. My Mom ended up getting away from her abusive boyfriend and moved in with a man she barely knew but he didn't hurt her and gave her a roof over her head and for that I am thankful. However about a year after that my sister and I get a phone call in the middle of the night that she is in the ER. I drive us there (my sister was drunk, as usual) and we found out when we got there that she had already passed away. This was a major blow because while we had our differences (ever since the first boyfriend incident) my Mom was there for me, a constant support, and never failed to tell me she loved me more than life itself, how being a Mom was her one joy in life. My sister and I were just shattered because we partly blamed ourselves, could we have prevented this, she could have been living wtih us, etc. I was determined to get through school though and now, almost 3 years after my Mom passed away I am close to graduating (in 2 months) and am in a wonderful, happy relationship. My sister is still abusing alcohol to cope with her depression but I could never do that as I fear vomiting so much I would never eat/drink anything that could potentially make me sick. I fear throwing up so much that most of my panic attacks will start from this fear because then my stomach will get upset, then that kicks off the panic/fear, which then makes it hurt worse, which then makes me panic more and the cycle doesn't end until the panic attack ends or the threat of vomiting passes. I absolutely would rather die than throw up. I have no experience with vomiting, it seems awful and terrible, I just think of it as an unnecessary function of our body because when poison is injested and then has to be expelled it is found out once it reaches the intestines, so just let it go out that way. I have done so much research to learn that vomiting is more of a mental act than a physical one and as many emetophobics will tell you, vomiting doesn't have to happen and can be fought -- we also will take anti-emetics. I have stashes of zofran and phenergen in my medicine cabinet (expired but still a relief) as well as ginger and otc stuff. I worry everytime I eat that I will get sick from what I ate, I worry everytime I have to go somewhere because what if I feel sick there? What if someone else gets sick in front of me? I can't stand bars/parties because young drinkers are sloppy and will let it go there. I am fearful of planes. I am scared of eating certain foods that are more "prone" to food poisoning. When the stomach virus is going around I am in a panic for months and months on end and wash my hands more times than I could imagine. I avoid anyone who even mentions they feel funny/queasy. I make little "bargains" with myself, for example, in the car I will say "if I make it through this green light I won't throw up tonight" -- it is uncontrolled and absolutely obsessive. I work at a doctor's office -- many people question that. It's actually been good for me though, it helps because a lot of people who go there sick are sick with respiratory issues, not so much stomach stuff -- that's rare according to the staff. I want to have a baby one day and experience pregnancy -- well that terrifies me in and of itself. Then it scares me to think of kids getting sick and all the germ swapping there. Right now, I am trying to have a more relaxed attitude about everything in general, relish in the fact that I will finally be done with undergrad in May and really love and care for those around me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, and welcome to Crazyboards.

I would like to read your post because I like to get to know our new members a little bit, but I have trouble with big blocks of print. If you break it up into paragraphs, more people will be able to read it all and respond.

It's not a criticism-- we have a lot of people here who have difficulty wading through long paragraphs. Must be part of our craziness!

I hope we can help you in some way.

olga

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...