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My Story

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I am sorry for posting this late, but only today I managed to get up the energy to write this out.

So who am I? ...

I can trace the roots of my MI back to my early childhood. From the time I remember, I suffered from anxiety. I preferred to be alone, and I suffered from severe social anxiety. The worst day of my life up to that time was when I had to go to school. I suffered from severe generalized anxiety and social phobia all through school. I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old, I had rituals I had to go through, which I recognized much later as OCD. I suffered from various forms of OCD up until I was 20.

Despite all of this anxiety, I was a very happy child. I had an idealic childhood without problems or anything pressing on my brain. This all changed when I was 12. The year preceeding my break, I developed an obsession (about what I prefer not to say other than it was a TV show). I lived, eat, and slept it. After several months of this obsession, I could no longer keep up at school, and I became more and more depressed. So from the age of 12, I have been on medicine most of the time, and through many hours of therapy. I've been on almost every antidepressant this is. I still think that somehow entering puberty triggered this, but all my endocrine tests are normal.

My grandfather passed away when I was 18. The year after he passed away, I suffered what may have been PTSD. I experienced flashbacks to his death, and even thought for a while that I killed him. I had my first panic attacks then. But, luckily, I was prescribed a benzo called Centrax which was a miracle drug for me. I felt so good. Unfortunately, they no longer sell this drug in the US, and I could use it badly. It was much, much better than Klonapin, and even helped my mood.

I had a slight remission during my first two years of graduate school. Just being able to do what I like to do and being paid for it was wonderful.

About 5 years ago, I seriously attempted suicide. I was always suicidal since my teenage years, but I was having some really heavy stuff going on at that time, and that pain and situational depression combined with my inherent depression pushed me over the edge. I wound up in the hospital, and it was in the hospital that I got put on my first serious drug cocktail.

My diagnosis remained unchanged - major depression.

I left the hospital with no more hope than when I went in. I figured that I would still commit suicide. Well, my meds were adjusted, and I was put on carbamazepine. I can honestly say that because of the carbamazepine, I haven't been seriously suicidal since.

I was stable, not great but stable, for a couple of years. During this time, I experimented with various meds (of course with the knowledge and help of my pdoc). And so I was ok for a few years. Then one by one, I went off my meds until I was left with only carbamazepine and citalopram (Celexa). I went of my meds because they were expensive and I felt that they intefered with my thinking.

Well over the next 2 years I began to slowly drift downwards. So slowly that I didn't even realize it. I cut off most of my social ties, hid at home, and lost all drive and ambition. I lost my job last year in part because of this. I also lost my insurance. In my job, I was listed as an independent contractor so I was unable to get unemployment. I continued to spiral down into the abyss.

So that brings me to where I am now. I had to move back home because I have no means to support myself now. This is VERY painful to admit. Also, I don't want to go on disability because I spent years in school, and I can't see wasting it. I want to work, and I have the vanity of pride. I have found a new pdoc here, but he is nowhere near as great as my old pdoc.

I am still very depressed. I have no motivation at all, and spend most of my time in bed. In fact, I am writing this from my bed. I hate my life, and I hate this depression. I experienced about 2 weeks of feeling great on lamotrigine until they switched generics on me to Torrent, and I fell back down into the hole.

My mom is very sick, and I feel so alone and scared. And sooo depressed.

Anway, that's my story. I joined this board a couple months ago, and it has really helped me. Again I'm sorry for posting this late, and sorry for the length.

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Welcome to Crazyboards, and don't worry about long posts. If someone doesn't want to read it, that's their decision. It sounds like you've been dealing with MI issues for a long time. I hope we can offer you some support.

Don't be afraid to contact a mod if you have a question. Good luck!


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I'm sorry you have rough patches in your story. I'm glad that you seem able to heal and return to life as you knew it. The time between now and then might not be the easiest, but don't beat yourself up for where you are. Life is always a journey.

If your mood dropped when you switched to the generic, then the generic may have less active ingredient. They are allowed a fairly big leeway. At least, the solution is simple. Talk to your pdoc about raising your dose.

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