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Hello.

I am hoping that somehow this will make me feel better. I feel like nothing is really right in my life. Well that is not completely true. I have 2 beautiful daughters and I have a fiance that I love but don't feel good enough for. He's not mean to me it is just that I think he likes the looks of every other woman except me. And I'm not ugly so I have that, but my almost 53 years I feel are enough, it is all downhill from here and I don't feeling like watching more wrinkles and other aging aspects happen to me. I don't feel like a good mother because of my overconsuming feelings of not being good enough and all my sadness. I have tried drugs and therapy and all that does it take away from my hard earned money. All we did was talk about the same things over and over and it didn't help. The drugs just made me more tired. I work 2 jobs so I don't feel like I can take care of my home well enough and I don't have enough time for my kids either. I don't have any friends at work and feel ostrasized quite often. But these people I don't really care about for the most part because I think they are clicky jerks. I look in the mirror at home and see someone that is ok, but when I see pictures or look in many other mirrors, I see a fat woman. I wear a size 14-18 depending on the clothing so I am not huge, but in pictures I look disgusting. I am filing bankruptcy because my divorce took everything from me and I can't pay those credit card bills. I had a dream recently that my gravestone said "JUST WASN' T ENOUGH" and you know......it seems appropriate. My mother only cares about my brother's kids and treats me and my kids like acquaintences. She has helped me a little, but she helps my brother's kids immensely. My kids don't have much, but this is ok with her as long as she buys my brother's kids everything. My sister doesn't care that my mother could care less if she ever sees her son. This all makes me feel so alone. My fiance never looks at me like he does others no matter how hard I try. I want to be accepted the way I am too. I try to be kind to people and fair, but it doesn't matter. I am afraid that my bankruptcy might not work and it scares me. I am afraid that my 4.0 GPA daughter applying for colleges and is being accepted to them might not be able to attend because the people responsible for handing out Financial Aid seem to think I have more money than I do. Anyway, this is a start. I am leaving one job and going to the next. My brain is flooded with crappy thoughts and it is hard to think of anything good right now. Sorry if this post is jumbled up but that is how my brain is currently working.

Thank you for your ear!

:(

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Welcome to Crazyboards. You'll have a lot of company around here because many of us are depressed, or have a poor self-image, or are overweight. And we have lots of parents struggling to do their best for their kids while dealing with their mental illness issues.

Please contact a moderator if you have a question. You should know in advance that we are pretty much in favor of using medications around here, although we do have some members who don't take them. Don't let that stop you from posting---I only mention it because you said in your post that you had given up on meds and therapy.

I hope you like it here and enjoy rubbing elbows with the crazy people.

olga

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Thank you everyone for your posts! Today feels better. It is amazing what a day can do! Maybe unloading some stuff helped. My biggest anger issues right now and what I think is depressing me is:

1. Feeling like my mother doesn't give a crap about me and my daughters (although that is probably not completely true). She just places us in a different place from my siblings and one of their kids. This is #1....I mean if your mother doesn't want you, who will?

2. Sometimes feeling like my fiance would rather look at anyone but me. Also not completely true, but I wish he would look at others when i am not around! And I have told him this. Even a glance is ok...but someone turning their head is disrespectful! And since we don't get to spend that much time together, he has plenty of time to enjoy the view of others. Am I being unreasonable. Don't you think if someone that loves you knew that something hurt, they would try to stop.

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