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Obsessive Homicidal Ruminations


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If I was going to analyze this in myself Id say it sounds like re-experiencing, I get that in PTSD. Theres also possibly an element of the 'control cheat' in there. Punishing yourself with this re-experiencing of situations in which you felt helpless. because the one thing you can control is yourself. For me this sort of thing came from being punished unfairly, manipulated and otherwise abused by a caretaker with serious untreated psych issues. Basically this person manipulated me into doing things that caused me to become the center of negative attention, like a scapegoat. The rage I had from that was unimaginable.

Id see a therapist about this if you arent already. And if you start exhibiting behaviors that are dangerous and indicative of rage or mixed states like extreme irritability, road rage, etc.. Id see a doc ASAP. Mixed states can be very dangerous.

Anything you can do to channel the rage into constructive things will help a lot. Exercise.. or working on ways to make sure your trigger is masked better. Like some way to make sure you are properly understood.

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Diagnosing yourself as you've tried to do is pretty much impossible. You need to commit to working with a therapist, and tell him or her everything. Otherwise, it's impossible for them to help you.

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Guest Recluse

I don't have anything useful to add to this conversation, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who has homicidal ruminations. They seem to worsen depending on my level of anxiety and whether or not it's an internal self-based anxiety or an identifiable external source.

Anyway, you aren't by yourself. Virtually any time I leave my house, I fantasize about hurting and killing people, and when I try to avoid it and think about other things, it seems to come back even worse. Been working on CBT and talking to my doctor about it...not sure how well it's working so far.

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It sounds like you need to go back to basics.

Therapy is a good option but it costs money.

If you do have a personality disorder, remember that this is not a mental illness and cannot be easily treated. It sounds like youve done plenty of personal research, and more power to you. Its important to gain a solid understanding of what you are going through.

However, self diagnosis is dangerous and is inhibited by a lack of insight, which most mentally ill people tend to have.

You really need to see a good psychiatrist on a regular basis. This also costs money.

You need someone who will listen to you, but also be prepared to do plenty of listening yourself. A good dr or therapist should have valuable insights no matter what the problem. And you are paying them for their opinion (whether directly or indirectly).

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Yeah, well I feel "suspended in time and space" also. (You have that in quotes -- so what's it from? -- don't feel like looking it up)

But I know that it's because I'm in an episode. And I've had lots of episodes.

I know I will come out of it.

What do you know?

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Its really good that you did all the research. I did the same thing when I got serious about getting help. Be careful of the self-diagnosis though. For years I thought I had bipolar because of my rage and depression. But it was PTSD and the rage wasnt a symptom of a mixed state until I took the wrong SSRIs and it was amplified.

If you cant afford treatment you might want to ask around to see if there are any cheap clinics you can use, or some means to help you afford the meds. Its tough though =(

There are a lot of people in jail who are mentally ill.. and rage almost made me do some pretty bad stuff. Be careful!

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BTW, I have had a lot of bad experiences with docs after I let on that I knew stuff about psychopharm and psychotherapy. Id seriously keep the knowledge to yourself unless you really trust your doc. I dont know what its about, maybe its a control thing? But it ruined what might have been a good relationship for me.

On the other hand Ive caught a pile of mistakes my docs make.. I dont say anything directly, I just find a way to get around whatever it is without causing complications.

Just dont want to see anyone else go through that crap, its no fun. =(

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