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For a while, I wasn't able to work. I kept blacking out and becoming this whole other person, and not doing my job. Then, I would come back to myself, whoever that happens to be, and be miserable, and cry, and be afraid. I couldn't hold a job. Well... that's gotten better. Mostly. I have a LOT of uncontrollable anger. And it always seems that when I get to the point that I will physically harm someone else, I get this weird dissociative thing going on. I can't... Almost like someone else is controlling my body, and using my brain, but I'm aware of my surroundings, and I can see through my eyes, like a mask. Then suddenly, three hours has passed.

That happened last night. Every man I talked to was a pissy bitch. And I couldn't take it. I started shaking, and started thinking of various ways to hurt them. Then suddenly, I looked at the clock, and another hour had passed, and I was on a phone call with a client. I don't know what I said, or what we were talking about. But this has been happening more and more lately. And I don't know what to do. I can't afford to not be working And I don't want to be on disability. I'm afraid to bring it up to my psychiatrist because she will want to play with my medication. And I don't want that either. The meds I am now took so long to adjust to. And they DO help the voices, and they help the hallucinations and paranoia. But the hunger and sleep factor took a while to get evened out. I don't want to go up, take another 5 weeks to adjust, to turn around a month later and need more.

I usually seem all nice and normal. And most of the time I can hold it together. But it seems like lately, I haven't been able to do anything. I have been getting more and more depressed. I have been getting so quick to anger with people, and constantly doubting and questioning myself. And everyone keeps saying I need to stop being so miserable. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO GET UP AND COOK, CLEAN AND GO TO WORK!? Let alone be amiable to those around me!! You expect me to function like a normal human being and be pleasant? I can, at the very most, just not talk to the people around me. But to work, not feel weird about eating lunch, talk to my co-workers in a friendly fashion, then come home and be domestic. Nope.

How do you do it? How do you act 'normal' when you feel anything but?

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i really really hear you.

first, you need to see a doc about the dissociating. you don't have to tell pdoc (i understand the fear about med tweaking), but please at least find a tdoc who can help you with this. if you value being so functional (which i also applaud, i know how hard it is), it's going to have to be addressed. sooner rather than later. if nothing else, a fresh set of ears might be able to get to what's causing the problem... and it might indeed be something pdoc can address.

second, i feel the same pressure to be "okay" AND hold down a job and be domestic and blah blah... it REALLY sucks. the only thing that has ever made that better has been to firmly (well usually angrily in my case) tell the people close to me I AM NOT OKAY AND THIS IS HARD. that you need support, not pressure, and it's not negotiable. maybe back off on your own expectations of yourself, too, if that applies... i'm bad at that. half the problem is me thinking i must behave like i'm "okay", even if nobody's pressuring me to do so.

ultimately we ARE supposed to function and feel "happy" (whatever that is). or at least "satisfied", not just barely making it every day. i'm with you in that i don't understand how to make that happen either. i'm hoping the answer is the right meds, for me. for you it might be something else. i hope you can find help making that happen.

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I've never lost time, but I have felt like a hollow version of myself before because of depression. I would definitely call pdoc about it, can't be a good thing it's happening again. :( I too applaud your efforts to remain functional like in daily living. It's definitely not an easy thing. Don't suffer in silence. Hope that you feel more centered and stay centered soon. I would think some med tweak would be in order, I just had mine tweaked and feel better, but the key question in my mind when doing a med change is does it have staying power, you know? Take care and know you can vent here and we're here to listen or you can come into chat anytime. We always let people take the floor, I love chat I find it very useful. :)

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How do you do it? How do you act 'normal' when you feel anything but?

I've just about always been able to put on a "professional" or "social" persona, as required.

But... the futher they are from how I really am, the more that costs when I drop out of the mode.

And it costs more the longer I have to do it at one time,

And for a spiral:

if I have to resume acting before I've paid off that cost in depressive mood and fatigue,

the more discrepancy there is when I start start again,

so the build up of "cost" is even more pronounced.

So more of it is still there for next time.

In the end this is what burned me out of my profession of 28 yrs.

It's taken me three years and I haven't really recovered, as the last month has shown.

The warning signs I can now note are when my housekeeping starts to go.

Basically because I am coming in, shutting the door and just dropping:

no energy or mood for anything except curling up and doing trivial "nothings".

But people would still be finding I've performed well at whatever meetings activities or commitments I've just come from.

I thought until a few weeks ago I was just finding a sustainable balance, but an unexpected extra load has completely thrown me.

I'm going to have to disappoint several people (including me), or fall back a couple of years in my recovery, looks like.

Chris.

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I've just about always been able to put on a "professional" or "social" persona, as required.

But... the futher they are from how I really am, the more that costs when I drop out of the mode.

And it costs more the longer I have to do it at one time,

And for a spiral:

if I have to resume acting before I've paid off that cost in depressive mood and fatigue,

the more discrepancy there is when I start start again,

so the build up of "cost" is even more pronounced.

So more of it is still there for next time.

sorry to derail the thread for a minute but i've never seen this described so well before. holy crap i understand this cycle so fucking well.

sorry you're having a hard time too.

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It sounds like your meds are working; barely. I know its a hassle every time you adjust the dose or change meds, but you really should be in a better state of mind than you are. You are on the edge at the moment. I was there late last year. Clozapine has saved my life. Which meds are you on SVU?

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You should really, really, really, talk to someone about the dissociation. Either your pdoc, or, as Lysergia suggested, a tdoc. Dissociation is usually more of a therapy thing than a med thing, I think, so finding a tdoc to work with might really make a lot of sense,

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