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self harming when I was a child


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when I was little I used to hurt myself. I remember biting my arms a lot, and once I bit two deep holes into my finger.

it kind of looked like a vampire bite or something. my mom noticed it and it was so bad that she took me to a pharmacy to get stuff for it.

I lied about how it got there. I didn't know that what I was doing had a name or anything, but I knew that I didn't want to tell my mom the truth.

I can remember lots of times when I hurt myself, but I don't know why I did it?

this was all before I was diagnosed with anything, and even though there were a lot of times when I was little where I'd be very sad and I'd cry over nothing,

but I can remember when I hurt myself I wasn't upset. one of my memories of biting myself must be quite a early memory because I was still in my cot.

I started cutting about four years ago and stopped two years ago, and started again very recently unfortunately, but this was because of depression.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but I think about this a lot, because it just confuses me as to why I did it when I was so young.

and I had a fairly "normal" (for lack of a better word) childhood, there wasn't really anything bad going on to make me hurt myself.

so I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas? this always bugs me.

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I started around six and stopped around 23. I still think about it, but I don't do it.

My childhood was chaotic, though, and I come from a long line of people with MI of some form.

Perhaps you had symptoms as a child? Perhaps it was something you discovered on accident? Who knows. I think the big question is why does it matter to you in the now? Not trying to invalidate you, just asking what it is that is concerning you about it.

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just the not knowing why I did these things will always frustrate me.

since the time the depression and anxiety came along it got me thinking about these times when I was younger.

but I wasn't depressed back then, and I had a better childhood than some.

I'm just confused because I thought that my issues just kind of came out of nowhere, but thinking about it maybe I was always supposed to be this way, or something.

I guess I won't really know.

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There are many reasons why a person might start SI. Past abuse is one, but not the only one. If you can forgive me for using myself as an example, I was never physically abused, but I am realizing there's more to my own SI struggle than that: my family dynamic, the prevalence of MI in my family history, early onset MDD...etc. The absence of physical mistreatment doesn't mean you have no reason to feel depressed, or to have started SI.

In trying to figure this out, maybe it would make sense to first assess what you "get" out of SI. Figuring what attraction it has for you may give you a trail to follow, so to speak. Anytime you want an ear, please feel free to shoot me a PM.

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