Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

I have just realized for myself that I am bipolar..


Recommended Posts

hmm.. I have been in sort of a denial since the pdoc stated that he wanted to treat me for bipolar I.... I thought surely I dont have that...until I recognized my own symptoms by reading and researching...

Looking back, I believe that my bipolar showed itself when I was around 18 years old. I started going thru periods where I would obsess about a certain thing, My thing was pets/animals. I would get my mind set on a puppy. I would get the puppy and feel euphoric and high for a while when I got the puppy. So I would get another expecting the same feeling, which I got ... Then another... then after about 4 or 5, I would start to feel really guilty and bad about my decisions to go out and get all of those animals. I would wonder why I could not be happy with just having the first puppy. I always cared for my animals and gave them everything I could, which resulted in not only spending the money on the animal itself, but then spending money on vet care, good food and treats, flea preventative, etc. However, I then felt guilty not only for getting so many, but for the money I was spending on these animals... just a waste of money in a sense, because if I had just stopped at the one puppy, I would have saved so much money. I would also feel guilty that maybe all my pets were not getting the attention they needed, no matter how hard I tried. So I would find homes for some of the dogs... Good homes... I would know where they were and that they were getting taken care of, but of course my desire to find good caretakers for them, as well as my inpatience and wanting to do it right away resulted in not getting anywhere near the money I spent on them, so then again more money wasted that could have been saved if I could control my impulses ... This same thing has applied to cell phones, designer handbags and shoes, and going on shopping binges for a certain item of clothing, and not stopping until I got several of the same type of items, like dresses, or dress pants, or jeans, or whatever. And then I have also gone thru times where I collected these items of clothing only to realize a short time later that I didnt like the fit or something and just gave it away, again wasting money.

I have repeated this cycle with animals countless numbers of times...It is definately a cycle, over and over, and everyone in my family jokes now that when I bring home a new pet, it wont stay long. Either with dogs, goats, chickens, exotic birds (which is my most recent thing), etc. I currently have 2 dogs which I love dearly and will remain with me for the rest of their lives, a rabbit that my daughter calls her own, and 7 exotic birds (remember this was my most recent kick so since I am now depressed, I am feeling guilty that they are not getting the attention that they need, even though I am having to dish out money on the best food and toys and supplies for them. So I am feeling that it is now time to find homes for all but my favorite 2. By then, i will be down to 2 dogs, 2 birds, and 1 rabbit (and 2 water turtles, if that counts). AND I NEED TO STOP AT THIS.

When I hit a manic or hypomanic episode, not sure which it is, I will fixate on a certain thing and I MUST have it!!! No one can tell me otherwise. It is an absolute obession that I cannot stop thinking about until I do it. So, now that I have recognized it, I need to get these meds right, and I have asked my husband no matter what I say, to make sure I do not bring in any more pets at all, even though I know when I go back to mania I am going to be bound and determined to get whatever it is.... So I am hoping the right combination of meds will actually work for me and stop these impulses.

On another note, I will go from horrible self esteem, feeling like people are talking behind my back, laughing at me, feelings of no self worth, feelings of unattractiveness, focusing only on the bad aspects of my body, etc, which sends me plumeting into depression, and just feeling like I am the ugliest most worthless person. During these times, I do not feel like socializing with anyone at work, but at the same time I CANNOT focus on my work no matter what.. I just cannot seem to get myself to sit at the computer and do the work... i cant even make myself do it, and I become very unproductive at work.

Then, there are times where I will feel so self-confident, so sexy, and feel great about myself. I seem to be very out-going and very happy, and giddy during those times. Very sociable, but still cannot focus on my work for NOTHING!!! Instead I prefer to be socializing at work and any thoughts about whether people like me are not even present in my mind during these times. I just show a very sweet, energetic, bubbly personality.

There are times where it is in between, I can focus somewhat on my tasks. I sit in front of a computer every day and do the same repetitive tasks for 8 hours, so kind of boring. But there are times when I am in-between the depression and mania where I can actually sit at my desk and be productive.

Another problem that I have is that if someone is talking to me, I am too busy forming in my head what I want to say next, that I tune out most of what the person is telling me. The worst is with my husband. It is not that I am not interested in what he is saying, but I hear his voice and know he is addressing me, but I have no clue what he says, but I just acknowledge him as though I was paying attention, and then later, I will ask him the exact thing he already told me. It frustrates him to no end... And I dont do it on purpose..

So you guys, If you were able to read this very long post, lol, Can you give me some insight? Is this definate bipolar from your experience?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This same thing has applied to cell phones, designer handbags and shoes, and going on shopping binges for a certain item of clothing, and not stopping until I got several of the same type of items, like dresses, or dress pants, or jeans, or whatever. And then I have also gone thru times where I collected these items of clothing only to realize a short time later that I didnt like the fit or something and just gave it away, again wasting money.

I do the same thing, but I buy in bulk. In the past if I found something in my size I must have it in every color cut or style. I would go on shopping binges for the most random things. I still get teased about my 100 boxes of jello. The thing is at the time I was sure I needed all this stuff and that it was important that I buy it all. Now I find myself at 28 ready to file for bankruptcy due to the bipolar spending. I can't count how much clothing i've bought that i've then turned around and donated. How much money I've spent on buying gifts for people, that they probably didn't want or need.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think anyone here can say for you that yes, indeed, you do have bipolar, 100%, or absolutely do not have it. We just don't have that ability, ya know?

We aren't trained and so I think even one or some or all of us saying "yes that sounds familiar" or "no that doesn't seem familiar" won't get rid of any nagging you might have left.

The truth is, the nagging will be there for a good long time, probably.

The DSM is cookie cutter. People are not cookies.

So doctors do the best they can and treat the best they can. But there's not many other ways to do it when you are dealing with billions of people. There's no way to come up with a clasification system with 6 billion diagnoses.

err... anyway, what was I saying? heh.

Right. I guess I mean, there will likely always be a little doubt because symptoms vary from people to people, symptoms can also vary from episode to episode through the lifespan, there can be co-morbidities [co-occurring issues], and, well, doubt is a little bit the nature of the beast [bipolars tend to have more of a lack of insight].

Give yourself some time, though. Get to know about bipolar, maybe read a few books. But don't constantly hold yourself up to every account and compare detail to detail and say "is that like me?" because people with bipolar can all have very differing experiences. We find things in common, but there are going to be things that don't happen to you, that happen to the next person and viceversa.

If you had that moment of "aha!" where it felt like it fit... it's a good sign that the doctor is on the right track.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...