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Appel announces release of next generation iPhone5

ROOTERS NEWS AGENCY 1 APR 2011

SAN FRANCISCO--The electronics and software giant Appel, Inc. (NSDQ:

CRPL) released the iPhone5, the much-awaited successor to its already

wildly popular iPhone4, the much-awaited successor to its already

wildly popular iPhone 3G/S series, and so forth, and so on.

Appel CEO Steve Jobless showcased the first publicly displayed

prototype model at a special conference held at the top of Lombard

Street, the most convoluted street in the United States, which

undertakes a 200 foot drop with 8 consecutive 90 degree turns over

less than the span of a quarter mile. Jobless chose the venue, he

claimed, as it fit both Appel's corporate marketing priorities and

future stock value so well.

Jobless touted the new phone's newest manufacturing method, which

resulted in a device that was 100% glass construction, potentially

avoiding the dreaded "death grip" that plagued its predecessor.

Jobless, using his left hand, gripped the phone in the "death grip"

position, and yelled into it, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?! GOOD!!!!". A

later inspection of the phone by Rooters staff showed that it was on

the Verizon network.

The most major evolution of the iPhone5 was touted by Jobless to be

its display, dubbed the "Housefly Retina Display", a whopping 1200 by

720 pixels despite taking up only 2.5" of diagonal space, even smaller

than the lower resolution 3.5" Retina Display of the iPhone4. The

pixels on this display, Jobless claimed, were going to be so small

that even a common housefly would not be able to distinguish between

them. The processor also gained a massive boost, and is now an Intel

i7 running at 3.0 GHz. Jobless did not announce system RAM, although

rumors have it that it's staying at 256MB.

Pricing on the iPhone5 is expected to be the same or lower than

current iPhone4 prices.

There was a lot of speculation as to the software the device would be

running. Jobless stated that it would be compatible with the

company's current iOS4, but that an "updated operating system" may be

released very soon. This prompted many hackers, aka "jailbreakers",

to run for a way to allow users to attain "root" access to their

devices. An independent iPhone development organization announced

that their next "jailbreak", codenamed "Yell0wSn0w", would be

launching concomitantly with the new operating system. "DON'T USE THE

YELL0WSN0W!!!", warned Jobless, but this warning was considered by

jailbreakers as nothing but another marketing tactic of Appel's.

Did you know that 'gullible' will no longer be in the iOS5 dictionary and will now autocorrect to "Apple Consumer"? :smartass:

Happy April Fool's Day, all!

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