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A complete loon


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Hey

I know i shouldnt be here really because my husband would kill me, well not really but you know what i mean. I was with the mental health service for 4 years and during that time I was diagnosed with all sorts, depression, borderline personality, cyclothymia, psychotic disorder NOS, schizophreniaand bipolar disorder. I feel like a complete loon. I am obessed with anything mental health, reading up anything i possibly can on it, medications, therapies, ect, etc watching anything related on the tv. My husband doesnt want me to be on forums like this as he feels this is fueling my obsession.

I feel mad and completely crazy, i have real problems with my emotions and can not handle extreme critism, i have this thought, idea well actually i dont know what it is and i do know if i can trust it or not. I think/feel argh i dont know some sort of something, i dont trust anyone at all, someone is always out there to get something from me, im always being used for something, im always being abused by someone someway somehow, no one really likes me after all if they did why would they.

I need to be in control, with something and right now im not in control of anything, im pregnant which is great but i cant bring a child up like this i really cant i dont want a child being like me.

I used to self harm but i did it because i read up about it on another forum (abuse survivor one) and thought it would help only it didnt and now im left with these ugly scars that embarrass me when people ask. I feel a freak.

I dont actually know what diagnosis i have all i know is that im mad, i need help but i refuse to go see the mental health service as they contributed to this and they will only feed me full of drugs that i dont need.

Ive tried to kill myself because i was desperate and thought that if i did something so drastic i would be put in hospital and helped, well yeah i was put in hospital but not helped. I left the psychiatric ward feeling worse than i went in. never been back and wont ever go back if they ever tried to section me which they wont because i cant be helped, i will die there.

I was abandoned as a child and abused sexually and psychologically, i cant believe that anyone would like me for me as no one liked me as a child, even at school i was bullied, and now as an adult its still going on. Ive got a chronic itch somewhere id rather not describe and i know that somehow my mother is getting a chemical that causes this itch into my home, even though at the same time i know she cant come near my home with out being arrested.

Help!

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Welcome to Crazyboards, and I hope we can give you some support and information.

You mentioned medications, but I wonder if you are also seeing a therapist. A good one can make a tremendous difference in your life and help you with some coping skills and understanding of your behaviors.

Let us know if you don't understand anything about the forum, and please read the rules when you have time.

olga

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