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I feel like ive complete;y lost any sense of sanity


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The sexual fixations came back strong today..so strong that I almost asnwered a personal ad on CL and materbated to porn and was very close to actually cheating on my boyfriend

after i was done, the only thing i felt was a strong wish for death and a feeling of craziness and i thought I hope i didnt give this to my daughter

its awful awful horrible.i see my pdoc on tues were reducing my venlafexine to everyother day. im depressed ahagin on that shit crying and desperate and noone knows

nobody has a friggin clue that im so fucking fucked up on the inside

im going outside to clear my head

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Guest Recluse

Welcome to CB. I hope you find some support here.

I'm not a very good counselor or adviser, my bed-side manners are pretty piss-poor, and I have a tendency to be angry and bitter a lot of the time...but I want to help. Let me highlight some things that stand out for me in an effort to try and give you some grounding, all right?

1. 'I almost answered a personal ad on CL'. - You almost did...meaning you didn't actually do it. That takes strength and self-restraint. I know you feel terrible for even thinking about it, but thinking about cheating isn't a crime, it's a normal part of the human experience for most, if not all people, and a lot of them don't have the restraint you did...they go out and do it. You are stronger than you realize. Don't beat yourself up over this.

2. '...and masturbated to porn...'. - There is nothing wrong, unhealthy, or dirty about masturbation. There is nothing wrong, unhealthy, or dirty about pornography either, for that matter. Both are healthy, time-honored methods of venting sexual frustration, no matter what any superstitious or morally-obsessed person might tell you. Granted, anything in excess is harmful, but this doesn't look like excess to me really. Don't beat yourself up about rubbing one out, it's good for you, you know.

3. 'after i was done, the only thing i felt was a strong wish for death and a feeling of craziness' - Thoughts of suicide are dangerous, and you need to speak to a properly trained psychiatrist or therapist about desire for death. You mention later in the post that your medications are being reduced, and if you believe that this is causing a downturn in your health, you need to contact them immediately and discuss what's happening to you.

If you, at any time, ever, feel that you are a danger to yourself, or to other members of your household, you need to go to an Emergency Room immediately and tell them exactly that. There is no shame in it. There is no danger in it either. They are there to help you and improve your quality of life, and they can help you manage bumps in the road like this.

So yeah, I hope this helps. (Edited for shitty spelling.)

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Welcome to CB. I hope you find some support here.

I'm not a very good counselor or adviser, my bed-side manners are pretty piss-poor, and I have a tendency to be angry and bitter a lot of the time...but I want to help. Let me highlight some things that stand out for me in an effort to try and give you some grounding, all right?

1. 'I almost answered a personal ad on CL'. - You almost did...meaning you didn't actually do it. That takes strength and self-restraint. I know you feel terrible for even thinking about it, but thinking about cheating isn't a crime, it's a normal part of the human experience for most, if not all people, and a lot of them don't have the restraint you did...they go out and do it. You are stronger than you realize. Don't beat yourself up over this.

2. '...and masturbated to porn...'. - There is nothing wrong, unhealthy, or dirty about masturbation. There is nothing wrong, unhealthy, or dirty about pornography either, for that matter. Both are healthy, time-honored methods of venting sexual frustration, no matter what any superstitious or morally-obsessed person might tell you. Granted, anything in excess is harmful, but this doesn't look like excess to me really. Don't beat yourself up about rubbing one out, it's good for you, you know.

3. 'after i was done, the only thing i felt was a strong wish for death and a feeling of craziness' - Thoughts of suicide are dangerous, and you need to speak to a properly trained psychiatrist or therapist about desire for death. You mention later in the post that your medications are being reduced, and if you believe that this is causing a downturn in your health, you need to contact them immediately and discuss what's happening to you.

If you, at any time, ever, feel that you are a danger to yourself, or to other members of your household, you need to go to an Emergency Room immediately and tell them exactly that. There is no shame in it. There is no danger in it either. They are there to help you and improve your quality of life, and they can help you manage bumps in the road like this.

So yeah, I hope this helps. (Edited for shitty spelling.)

you were VERY helpful...i was so hard on myself because it has gone farther than that in the past. Ive done some extremely dangerous things in the past and it felt like i was going to again

im just tired of everyday being such a struggle in my mind I mean. iid take bits of cat crap if i knew it would get rid of the anxiety

again many many THANKS

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Dee, have you considered calling your doctor? Adujusting meds could help with this. Perhaps a mood stabilizer would help you, or an AAP. What you are describing could be considered Bipolar. This is not just a moral issue, I really think it could be helped medically.

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Guest Recluse

since you have 93 posts this doesn't really belong on the intro board so I'm moving it to the depression board

Wow. I failed my perception check there, didn't I? Hah.

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Dee, I think the others have given you some really good comments, and I just want to add that nothing you talked about in that post is so bad that you should feel so guilty and worthless. As we say ad nauseum around here, it sounds like the depression is talking. The Rat Bastard is trying to convince you that you're worthless, and you aren't.

I also agree with the others that if you are feeling like you might act on the suicidal impulses, please go to the ER.

And stay out of the litter box, ya hear?

olga

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I will not do anytthing to harm myself or others....just wishing death would swallow me easily sometimes

yes my pdoc suggested i research mood stabilzers. so far lamictal or topomax seem possible as they both also are used for PTSD which i have

sooo once again you wonderful people are the greatest. i really cant talk to anyone else they way i do to you guys :wub:

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Dee, have you considered calling your doctor? Adujusting meds could help with this. Perhaps a mood stabilizer would help you, or an AAP. What you are describing could be considered Bipolar. This is not just a moral issue, I really think it could be helped medically.

Thank you for understanding...tell me more about the ight box please? And what do you know about disability?

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Hello

I think what you have described in your first place, watching porn is a very natrual and normal thing. Please don't feel dirty for it, it is part of the human experince. So don't feel dirty for it. You didn't post of CL and that takes streagth don't to do it. Well done.

It will get better but it goes take a while

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I pretty much second what Recluse said. I don't think what you talked about makes you insane. Like people have been saying the suicidal feelings should be taken seriously but I think you're far more okay than you're giving yourself credit for. I have a similar tendency to think I'm completely insane and get very worried/paranoid about it. But then I realize that the most insane thing about me is probably this obsession and worry that I'm insane. I hope that helps a little. I hope you can get some good meds to help you through this.

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Im so happy to have you guys.....I got so scared about the CL thing because Ive actually acted on my impulses before. Actually during this last episode I answered an ad for nude modeling...tried to

convince myself that I needed the money (i do) but when I realized the potential disaster I posted on here instead.

:wall: thank you again

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Topamax seemed to help my PTSD symptoms but the side effects were pretty brutal. My main issue is atypical depression. Ive decided to treat the depression and leave the PTSD symptoms to therapy. But thats just my take on my own issues, yours will probably be a lot different.

I like zoloft so far. One of my big things with PTSD is irritability and its really been helpful with that despite its reputation for causing mixed dysphoric stuff in people who are susceptible. Its not been helpful for some of the symptoms of depression like apathy and anhedonia, but the pain is gone and I can function again.

I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but what seems to be happening is that in a depressive state the anger is low but the depressive symptoms are bad. Take an SSRI that doesnt like me and I get relief from depression but I get really really irritable. Lowering the dose just makes the depression come back.

I will not do anytthing to harm myself or others....just wishing death would swallow me easily sometimes

yes my pdoc suggested i research mood stabilzers. so far lamictal or topomax seem possible as they both also are used for PTSD which i have

sooo once again you wonderful people are the greatest. i really cant talk to anyone else they way i do to you guys :wub:

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