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Um, you mean EVERYONE doesn't feel this way?


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I was Dx with Bipolar 2 last week. I'm in denial, even though every single thing I read about it sounds like me. I'm just having a hard time believing that everyone else doesn't feel this way. Like, doesn't everyone feel like a spaz sometimes? Doesn't everyone get bummed out? Doesn't everyone either feel shy or talk really fast when they are nervous? Doesn't everyone go shopping when they need a little pick me up? Doesn't everyone ...you can see where I'm going with this. I kind of have a feeling that not everyone feels this way. It's still hard to believe. I really thoguht EVERYONE had the sounds of static TV a thousand thoghuts spinning around so quickly that I couldn't even understand them.. wait. That's not true. I had a feeling that one wasn't totally normal.

So, drugs. I've been put on Lamictal but I haven't started it yet. I've been me for SO LONG, what if I don't like not being me? Right now I'm depressed, so I wouldn't mind getting out of that, but I really like the not depressed parts. They feel really good. I don't want that part to go away. Shit. I mean, this is the me my hsuband married, the me that I realy like sometimes. What if I'm a different person on these drugs and I don't like this person?

I also don't want this stupid label. I have shook my head and said, "oh, that's too bad, what a shame" when I have heard this DX about other people, and now it's me. SHIT! I guess not taking the medicine and ignoring the DX isn't going to mean I don't have it. If I do. (Da Nile, it's not just a river in Egypt). I want to stamp my foot like a 3 year old and say "NO FAIR!"

Uuuuugh. So, tell me, if I take these drugs can I change my mind? Is it going to make me freak out? I have a family to take care of here, I can't fuck around.

* sigh *

Ok, feel free to tell me I sound fucked up. or normal. or like you sounded at first. Whatever. The Lamictal is sitting in the cabinet, waiting for me. I'm almost afraid it will work. Because that means the shrinky nailed my dx the first 45 minutes she met me. How have I lived for this long without someone pegging me?

Ok, that's all for now.

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I was Dx with Bipolar 2 last week. I'm in denial, even though every single thing I read about it sounds like me. I'm just having a hard time believing that everyone else doesn't feel this way. Like, doesn't everyone feel like a spaz sometimes? Doesn't everyone get bummed out? Doesn't everyone either feel shy or talk really fast when they are nervous? Doesn't everyone go shopping when they need a little pick me up? Doesn't everyone ...you can see where I'm going with this. I kind of have a feeling that not everyone feels this way. It's still hard to believe. I really thoguht EVERYONE had the sounds of static TV a thousand thoghuts spinning around so quickly that I couldn't even understand them.. wait. That's not true. I had a feeling that one wasn't totally normal.

So, drugs. I've been put on Lamictal but I haven't started it yet. I've been me for SO LONG, what if I don't like not being me? Right now I'm depressed, so I wouldn't mind getting out of that, but I really like the not depressed parts. They feel really good. I don't want that part to go away. Shit. I mean, this is the me my hsuband married, the me that I realy like sometimes. What if I'm a different person on these drugs and I don't like this person?

I also don't want this stupid label. I have shook my head and said, "oh, that's too bad, what a shame" when I have heard this DX about other people, and now it's me. SHIT! I guess not taking the medicine and ignoring the DX isn't going to mean I don't have it. If I do. (Da Nile, it's not just a river in Egypt). I want to stamp my foot like a 3 year old and say "NO FAIR!"

Uuuuugh. So, tell me, if I take these drugs can I change my mind? Is it going to make me freak out? I have a family to take care of here, I can't fuck around.

* sigh *

Ok, feel free to tell me I sound fucked up. or normal. or like you sounded at first. Whatever. The Lamictal is sitting in the cabinet, waiting for me. I'm almost afraid it will work. Because that means the shrinky nailed my dx the first 45 minutes she met me. How have I lived for this long without someone pegging me?

Ok, that's all for now.

You sound like I did at first. It's important to understand the distinction between emotions and moods. My behaviour changed for long periods of time in certain patterns. The description of that pattern mimics the pattern of a person diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a recognized and studied psychiatric disorder. The treatment will, ideally, result in the tapering of the extreme ends of the pattern.

When I was suicidally depressed this winter, I wondered whether I would ever come out of the depression or if I would die first.. I also cried because all of the really good periods in my life were enhanced by an illness, and I could no longer experience that. Then again, the irritable times in my life outnumbered the good, euphoric times by a wide margin, which is the other half of the hypomania coin. I didn't know who I would be without it. I wondered how I would act, and how other people would see me - how I would see me.. but it's really a silly question, save for certain personality disorders. I say that because as I stabilized, I just felt more like myself. I am not wrapped in a veil of misery (more often than not :) ), but I also know where to draw the line. I'm able to be who I want, instead of being dragged around by mood swings. People as well as working around the house don't irritate me, don't feel like such a drag anymore.

I guess it makes it easier to be happier with myself, mostly. Sorry if I didn't help ._.

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Thank you for responding. The more I think about this, the more I know I have something. I just read through the thread about when you first knew you weren't like everyone else and it's making me think a lot about my childhood. I thought everyone felt the way I did, and now it seems like maybe they didn't/don't. I had an eating disorder, also been sober 10 years - I wonder if that is related to all of this somehow - it seemed like I saw a few people on these boards with BP also had some of these qualities.

Time to face the music, isn't it. I guess I can't change who I am, I can ignore it ,but what good will that do? Eventually this will catch up to me if I don't take care of myself.

I feel bad for my husband. He's probably so worried. I felt so bad telling him. I feel like he got stuck with a bad egg.

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When I was first diagnosed, I was sad at the prospect of losing the "good" parts. But I was so far down depressed, I was willing to try anything that would make it go away. 9 months later, med compliant, I can say that I actually like myself better stable than I did during the supposed "good" parts. Because being stable and responsible and disciplined does a lot for one's self-respect.

Something to think about. It is an adjustment, but you don't lose your essential self.

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I feel bad for my husband. He's probably so worried. I felt so bad telling him. I feel like he got stuck with a bad egg.

You are the same person he married. You haven't become someone else because of your diagnosis. The only difference is that now you have a (tenuous) blueprint of how to improve your own quality of life.

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I was Dx with Bipolar 2 last week. I'm in denial, even though every single thing I read about it sounds like me. I'm just having a hard time believing that everyone else doesn't feel this way. Like, doesn't everyone feel like a spaz sometimes?

Oh, I know *this* game! :devlish:

The important distinction is that all these things don't apply to anyone as much or as often, let alone all at once, as they will to you.

I really like the not depressed parts. They feel really good. I don't want that part to go away. Shit. I mean, this is the me my hsuband married, the me that I realy like sometimes. What if I'm a different person on these drugs and I don't like this person?

He married the person, not the moods.

If it turns out that you don't like some of the coping strategies and bad habits you've picked up over the years, or if your husband has trouble handling the changes in his routine and coping strategies, that's what therapy's supposed to be good for.

I have shook my head and said, "oh, that's too bad, what a shame" when I have heard this DX about other people, and now it's me. SHIT! I guess not taking the medicine and ignoring the DX isn't going to mean I don't have it. If I do. (Da Nile, it's not just a river in Egypt). I want to stamp my foot like a 3 year old and say "NO FAIR!"

What's stopping you? It's NOT FAIR. It IS too bad ... shame's ... a little more negotiable.

But now that you're doing something about it, it may be manageable (which, all in all, generally beats being dead.)

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I felt a lot like you when I was first dx'ed. I did know that something was wrong but thought it was depression. It wasn't til after the doc put me on Wellbutrin for what appeared to be ADHD with depression that I went manic and delusional that he and I were like, Whoa! Okay, not depression! And then it all made sense, my childhood, my eating disorder, drinking, drug use, suicidal thoughts, all of it.

The drugs help a lot. I take Lamictal and it's been good so far. I still have ups and downs but they are usually short lived and not too bad. I'm not a med taker usually, I hardly take tylenol when i have a headache, but with these, I'm like, Go drugs! LOL

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I started the medicine lamictal yesterday. I feel like getting this "news" that I'm BP has put me in a tailspin. I am without a doubt depressed and could use medicine, I know that for sure.

Sometimes I feel like I'm high and low at the same time or on and off all day. I'm picking myself apart and analyzing every fucking move. It's annoying me. Every time I have a thought, I think, "did I think that too fast?" LOL. What a fucking mess.

My heart hurts, I feel so so sad about this. This sucks. Bipolar for sale. I don't want it.

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Sorry you had to join us, but welcome to the club!

I love Lamictal, you can read in my signature below how my dx was changed a couple of years ago from Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, to BP II. Lamictal has given me my old, good, self back again. I don't feel like it's changed my personality at all, and it's definitely not a 'happy pill' or anything like that. I don't feel high from it, I don't feel anything from it, but I know that if I don't take it I'll get depressed again, and I don't want to go there.

A diagnosis isn't who you are - you're not a bipolar person, you're a person with bipolar. There's a subtle, but big, difference in those two statements. A diagnosis is a guide for treatment. It's not surprising that you pdoc (psychiatrist) could diagnose you on your first appointment, that's what they're trained to do. Hopefully you've found a good one.

I'm sure your husband wants you to feel your best. If you had high blood pressure or diabetes you wouldn't blink about taking meds, so try to remember that you have a medical condition that is treatable with meds. Good luck to you, let us know how you get on.

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I can identify w/ a couple of things you mentioned.

1. I was afraid I was going to lose my essential self once starting meds - terrified is more accurate. I still get a delightful glimpse of the cascade of bright and shiny ideas that I used to dance in naked as they showered over me.... I'm just farther away. Sometimes I can even pick out one or two and play with it, whether it's a creative project or something else. Before I'd hurl myself into "all" of them and not accomplish much before crashing and getting really bummed that they didn't amount to more. I finally decided to "let go" of the mania when I realized all they do is make my life "feel good" for awhile, they've never helped me accomplish anything real and lasting and they take a toll on the bank account, my body and my close relationships.

2. Would my wife still love the medicated "me." My wife is a rather stable person, likes routine and security... but she was really attracted to my adventurousness. Now I still plan trips, we got a tandem bike to ride together and are able to do other fun things together but do them in a way that is financially responsable and thoroughly enjoyable instead of just a short term "rush." I used to impulsively hire limos to take the family out to a nice restaurant for dinner (we had no business throwing around that kind of money) or just snapping and demanding that we all go on a short vacation RIGHT NOW... like get packed we're going camping.... or to the water park hotel. Much more enjoyable now for both of us. The kids too because haven't drained our bank account just to get "there" - we have money left to let them indulge in fun stuff there and on the way.

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I feel bad for my husband. He's probably so worried. I felt so bad telling him. I feel like he got stuck with a bad egg.

You know I had a candid conversation with my husband not to long ago about my illness. I asked him how could he stay with such a mentally ill person. He responded that I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but he loves me very much and only wants to see me happy. He is not a very emotional person himself, so he has joked that what he lacks in emotion, I make up for (since I am very emotional). I am the ying to his yang. He wishes that we had gotten help for me sooner, but is glad I am getting help now. He has seen me at my best and at my worst and he still loves me more and more each day.

For me, being honest and open with my husband has helped.

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I used to worry that I would change on the meds, but I didn't change as much than I evolved. I am now very calm, almost to the point of detachment. Coming from a person that Lived in a chaos-filled head and became overwrought easily, this new calm is both functional and needed.

As for the other stuff, you are not the only one who trembles before the medicine. Take the meds and these feelings will subside.

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Although there are side effects to meds I'll reiterate what a lot of people are saying here - that meds probably won't change who you are and will likely help you feel better once you find the right one/ones. If you really do not like how one med makes you feel then definitely tell your doctor and give a different one a try. Also I'll say what other people said again, you are not a bad egg, you are the same person as you always have been. Although bipolar isn't a super minor thing it doesn't have to be a huge deal either. There's no reason you will even have to disclose it to people and you definitely can live a stable good life that you want to live.

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