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Need to Relate..


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Hi all, I am new.

I have had problems with cutting, eating disorders, depression, manic episodes and borderline personality disorder since I was 12. I was not abused or neglected, I did not go through an extreme trauma, I just hated living and I didn't want to stick around anymore. I have been on/off Prozac before I switched to Pristiq (which I hated) and now Wellbutrin. I am currently 22/f and taking 450mg/day of WB.

I think my biggest problem is that I never felt like anyone understood me, especially when I needed to relate to someone. My family avoids acknowledging that I even get 'sad', my mom is still convinced I am a wuss and that I am just dramatic. I don't get depressed in response to an event, it just slowly creeps up on me in bouts where I can't get out of bed to even open the blinds in my bedroom. I have been to 5 or 6 different therapists, group therapy (when a teenager), family therapy, change of diet, exercise, pills, anything that I thought could help me but it never did. The WB is enough to fuel my day but without it and sometimes with it, I still will find myself in a hole. I have been this way for 10 years, it wasn't a dramatic phase of high school or a break-up that led me to this place. I just am not equipped to handle the day to day jobs or regular conflicts that most people seem to get through.

In high school I had straight A's, played soccer internationally and had friends/boyfriends galore. I don't say it to sound arrogant, I just want to explain that there was nothing in my life to be sad about. As of late, I had to give up exercise (quit the university, national and professional teams that I was playing for) and have a spine fusion. I will never run again and I am almost okay with it now. It was a hard blow though and although you might not understand why an athlete is obsessed with their sport, just know that it was my release of any emotion I had, the only thing that never let me down or questioned my emotions, it was my only escape and for the last 10 years I haven't had to live without it. Losing soccer and my mobility was hard but I know the depression was around before the injury and will be around for the rest of my life unless something changes. As of right now, I am fragile?

I am excited to find something else to be passionate about. I know there are other options and doors are opening, I do understand that there is hope in my life and eventually this manic phase will pass. However, it feels like with each return I am weaker and less motivated to get through it. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly at battle with myself. Although I don't have a split personality and know this is only metaphorical, but I feel like two entirely different people. Naturally, I am a people-pleaser, I love to laugh and be outside, I am motivated to be the best at anything I do and I know I have worth and potential. But every now and then, an entire different mindset sweeps in and takes over. Most of you know what depression feels like, I don't need to describe it. But that's who I become for months at a time.

Can anyone relate? I had a lot of pressure on me growing up to be perfect for my parents. I had to be the best at everything I did, even if it meant tearing a friend's head off to earn a starting position in sports. I still have problems coming in second place but I know that it is my decision and my choices that have brought me down. Although most parents want the best for their kids, they usually figure out it isn't realistic and the kid defies them, proving their parents can't live through them. I never knew how to separate that. I didn't have goals because everyone else had goals for me. Every time I failed or stumbled the community, family and friends would know - and I would feel like my every mistake was observed and amplified.

I am 22 now and I want to change. I am responsible for my own mind-frame and my own happiness, I need to start living for myself rather than getting through each day with the knowledge that everyone is still proud of me. Losing soccer was a much-needed reality check and a good release from what felt like the strong grip of my parents' control. I am at a fork in the road, recently a psychology graduate (go figure) and just deciding which direction I want to pursue. Although I don't know where I want to be in 5 years, I want to know that I will make it there.

I am hoping that relating to some of you, even just a single person, may help me understand my situation. I don't want to fear the next manic phase anymore and completely shut down when it hits me. Sometimes its the weather, sometimes its a conflict or a failure, but usually it is for no apparent reason that I get in my slumps.

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Hi! Welcome to our friendly asylum.

It sounds like you have had a very full life for someone your age. The spine fusion is a blow that would have knocked a lot of people for a loop, and since you were an accomplished athlete, it's a really tough break. But it sounds like you are moving on to other things. It's great if you can do things for your own satisfaction and not worry or care about the parents.

Anyway, check out our blogs and chat room, and be sure to read the rules. Contact a mod if you have any questions.

olga

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