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Hi there.

My name is Gordon and I feel I need to talk. You all don't know me, this is probably obvious, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.

My current situation is that I'm doing a degree in computer science and mathematics. Unfortunately I've been depressed for a few weeks now and the work feels like it is starting to snowball out of control. I'm 32 years old for fucks sake, I've never held down a job in my life for longer than 3 months (I've never been stable enough to deal with the pressures) and I'm starting to think more and more about suicide. Maybe not today, maybe in a few years when my looks start to wear away a little bit more. More wrinkles around my eyes, more months barely talking to anyone - this is happening more and more.

I stopped talking to my very old friends. They're all have their careers, families, friends that they go out with. I don't even know how to talk to them anymore. I'd love to hear their stories, but I have nothing to say. My family have got distant from me. I had a theory on how the brain worked, another on how the universe was created a few years back, I still have parts of it left. It was like one big model inside my head and I couldn't split it apart for the life of me. When I tried to explain it to my family no-one wanted to stay even 5 minutes to hear me try to put it in to words. This triggered many more incidents of the same type. I asked my mother if she could comprehend the concept that just because something shouldn't happen that doesn't mean that it can't. My example was a mother that was cruel to her child, either she took it to be me talking about her (which I wasn't, it was a random point). Next thing I know my aunt, who she' had been talking to went out and told all my cousins that I didn't understand emotions. After that it became really difficult to talk even to my family. Why even bother talking to me if you don't think I understand emotions?

I had no friends at this point either, that was partly my fault for not putting myself out there more. I was so afraid and being the coward that I am I froze. I froze for so long that I lost more and more of my social skills. I became used to people treating me as an outsider as I was obviously uncomfortable around other people. Everything just seems to snowball and I couldn't keep up with the landslide. I had/have no-body. I have family that treat me with kid gloves. I have dealt with health professionals that are supposed to be helping that seem more intent on listening to a relative of mine that hasn't talked for more than five minutes to me than actually listening to the words that come out my mouth.

I was almost homeless at one point. I yelled at a few people that live in my small town and after that no-one locally wants to be near me too. I was just so stressed. I smile at people around me and feel so hollow inside. So empty. Faking it just on the off chance that I'd meet someone that I would like to be around and they would like to be around me. Course, it is so easy to spot a fake.

I have 'friends' online. Some of them have hacked in to my computer and followed me around between games I've played. I guess this is flattering in some ways, but they don't feel real. After I worked out folk were hacked in to my computer, they started making comments about what I was doing online. I just had no space to myself anymore. They were following me between games that I was playing and after a while I realised I wasn't meeting any new people so it became even more difficult to talk to new people. Why waste the energy (which is a lot of energy for me) talking to new people when chances are it is just the same folk over and over? Why could they not just be honest with me and look me up and ask me what games I was playing then get together with me that way? I mean, fuck is that too much to ask? To want to be treated like an equal, not an object to observe and follow around and be nice to until I disagree with something you're doing then just kick me to the kerb? Its like being stuck with people that don't actually want to be with _ME_.

I'm scared that at being 32 years old and not holding down a job that I'm never going to have one. That no woman would ever want to be around someone that can't pay their own way. That I'll never have kids. That I'll never have someone just to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I've done nothing in the last few years. Nothing except try to deal with this fucking self destructive mind, my nerves so frayed for years now, so alone, so isolated, so afraid. Holding on by such a thin thread for so long - there's only one thing that can come of that.

I want to enjoy something again. I don't care what.

I had a fiancee last year. A girl online. We only went out for a month, I was happy though for a bit there. Then she flew off to afghan to fight the war and ended up fcuking everything out there. I don't know why she was with me if that's what she wanted. I know I loved her. I was probably to needy, too crazed when she flew out there, too worried that I flipped a bit.

Is there a way to find something to love again? Or am I going to be so afraid I freeze on the spot and rot right there?

You read this or you don't, I don't even know why I wrote it!

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You didn't say what your diagnosis is or if you even have a diagnosis.

I can relate to the social skills problem, but I really never acquired social skills because of my social anxiety. It seems to me that your big fear is fear of being alone without someone to relate to or who will relate to you. I would suggest that you get into therapy if you can. They can help you work on your social skills.

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