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I stopped cutting about 7 years ago (aside from a couple of slip ups). I find that when I get really stressed out, I start thinking about it. I think about the process, and how I could "get away with it". I know my husband would FREAK OUT if I did it and he saw the cuts. I got a $600 pdoc bill yesterday that I have no idea how I am going to pay, and I felt so overwhelmed and out of control and guilty. I keep wondering if it's all worth it, going to the pdoc to get my mental stuff sorted out, when I just bury us under these medical bills.

It got me thinking about cutting and how much better I would feel if I did it. I've been thinking about it all morning....trying to figure out a spot that I could for sure hide it from my husband. I'm having extremely strong urges. I don't understand why this still happens after so many years. I know I shouldn't do it. I know I'd feel really bad afterward for giving in to the urges, but I still REALLY want to do it. I don't even know what my question is....I just...I'm so conflicted.

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I know it sometimes seems like the only option that will really work, but you seem like you're on a really good streak of not doing it. Do you really want to break that? While it may make you feel better temporarily the bills will still be there afterward, and you mentioned feeling bad (or worse) about it afterward. I get the really strong urges too, but imagine how empowering beating those urges will be without doing it! If you get through it this time, thats another brick in your wall of resolve not to do it. Maybe check out the alternatives the SI board?

Rooting for you!

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I'm at work right now, so I most likely won't do it while I'm here since I don't have my own office anymore. I'm worried about tonight because my husband is always on the computer so I can either hang out in that room, or I could go do whatever I want and he won't know. I don't want to tell him that I'm thinking about it, so I can't really ask him to help me.

It's like the rational part of my brain is telling me to stay strong and not do it because I know that the bill will still be there and because I know I will feel guilty if I do it. Then there's this other part...the part that reminds me of how it feels....how much I better I feel, at least for a while, after I do it. I'm just really struggling inside my head with talking myself out of it. Last night I wanted to do it (though the urges were not nearly as strong as today) but I decided to have a few drinks instead.

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Sometimes when I'm feeling like this I go to bed and knock myself out. Whichever med or something else that will do the trick. The feelings tend to re-set in the morning, and I can get though it. I hadn't cut in 4+ years and just did it again a little less than 2 months ago. So I get it.

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Yeah, maybe I'll just try to go to bed early (the combo of alcohol and my meds last night put me in bed at like 8:30). I just can't believe that I still get urges like this after so long. You'd think that after so many years you wouldn't even think about it any more, you know? It's kind of disappointing.

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My doc told me that stopping isn't a single goal, but a series of goals. She encouraged me to think of using stepping stones to cross a stream: every day (or whatever increment of time you want, really) is a stepping stone. Sooner or later, almost everyone is going to lose their balance and fall in. That doesn't mean you've failed, just that you need to get back on the stone and start crossing again once you feel able. When I look at it that way, each day I don't SI is a victory, and goes into my journal. My little pile of victories is rapidly gaining on the pile of days when I gave in and cut. I find it useful and affirming.

If it would help to have someone to talk to, even just to rant at, please feel free to come find me anytime.

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Thanks Oddjob, I appreciate that. My husband and I have to go about an hour away to do a Craigslist sale tonight, so I will be stuck in the car and unable to cut. I guess that's good, I won't really have an option to do it. Hopefully by tomorrow the urge will have passed.

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Absolutely.

Sometimes circumstantial prevention is good. I've deliberately put myself into situations where I can't cut. It's frustrating in a way, especially when I really want to cut and can't, but at times stalling myself does the trick and kicks the urge. It's not a permanent solution, but it is a solution. Have you done sales like this before? If so, do you usually enjoy them? Maybe putting yourself into a situation that makes you happier will help ease the urge. On the other hand, if the prospect sounds boring, maybe it would be possible to take something you do enjoy as a distraction? (My Nintendo DS is a godsend for car rides and boring/triggery days at work or home.)

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Yeah, it's been tough today being at work since I've wanted to cut so badly but can't while I'm here. That's pretty much how I stopped originally though, by distracting myself. We're just going to sell my husbands dirt bike, so I'm mostly just going to be sitting in the car. Good idea about bringing the DS, I do have one of those. I've been playing games on my iPhone most of the day (and was in chat on here earlier) to kind of keep my mind busy. I just wish it wasn't so hard to cope with the urges to cut, it's making me agitated. I went and got a rubber band from the supply cabinet earlier, which helped a little.

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I don't know what I'd do without my DS. It's really one of the best distractions I've found! Lately I've been playing Dragon Quest Monsters, which has hundreds of hours of replay value. I don't see myself ever getting tired of it.

Another of the commonly listed distractions I sometimes find useful is drawing on myself with a red marker. Call me weird if you wish, but I find semi-permanent markers like Sharpies seem to work better than the regular markers. The ink stays on for days, so I get to watch it fade out. That's horrible, I realize, but it works.

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