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Really can't stand this much longer


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No, you don't really know me... I'm new. I feel like if I don't find somewhere to get this out I may just pop. If you want something cheery you probably don't want to read this. In fact, it's all kind of just a rant so no matter you who you are probably shouldn't read this.

I'm so miserable physically that it is pushing the mental stuff on. I've apparently lost hearing somewhat in one of my ears... sounds are distorted so it's making it hard to hear out of my good ear.. it's a weird echo thing going on... it's making me so miserable. I'm scared that i'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life and there won't be anything that a doctor can do about it. i have an apt. monday with an audiologist.

i'm intolerant to wheat/gluten and i keep going off of it and then falling and going back on.. i use the food to comfort myself... and my method of comfort is so darn painful.. my body is falling apart.. pain everywhere and i have trouble breathing.. but i can't seem to stop and it just goes on and on...

i'm 49 and i feel like my lie is over.. like it's too late now to ever change or make it better.. my freaking hearing is messed up... i feel like i'm trying to hear through a wet sock all the time... i look like shit i feel like shit... i have never accomplished anything worthwhile in this whole meaningless existence of mine. the only thing that's keeping me alive right now is because i'm afraid that what happens after t his is worse than it is now.. even if it's oblivion for some reason i'm very afraid of that

i have no hope, no purpse, no meaning.. anything that i used to get joy out of means nothing to me now.

i just started seeing a new therapist who is supposed to actually be good for what is wrong with me. but it feels like i could never ever even start to begin to fix things in 50 mintues a week.. b y the time i calm down enough to talk to him it's already 15 imnutes though... i feel so stuck and hopeless.

i'm pretending around my husband and friends. they don't need to hear my constant whining. i keep wanting to lash out in anger at myself.. but i'm worried someone would see the marks and think i'm being melodramatic.. oh so melodramatic..

i.am.so.lost. i wish i was brave enough to die, like my big sister did. she was always the strong one and had the guts to do what i do not. god i make myself sick.

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Hi Zoe,

You need to see a pdoc, not a therapist, as soon as possible. You need meds to combat this depression. Therapy cannot be helpful if you are feeling so bad. You need meds to lift you up, maybe just a little, so that therapy can be of use.

If you ever, EVER, get suicidal, go the the ER immediately!!!! Quite honestly by the sound of your post, you should be in a hospital right now because you could become dangerous to yourself. No doubt your husband needs you. Don't bail out on him.

There is help out there. And you will feel better. It won't be like this forever. It does get better.

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Sorry you're going through such a tough time. Therapy is great, but as jt07 said, it sounds like you need to see a psychiatrist (pdoc) right away. If you're already seeing one and taking meds, then I think your meds need to be adjusted. You don't have to suffer the way you are right now. I have been at the bottom of the abyss and it is possible, and likely, that things will get a lot better. But you need treatment right away.

We're all here listening and rooting for you. Don't hurt yourself. This website got me through some really bad moments:

Help at the Bottom of the Abyss

This quote from that site is the reason I'm alive today:

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

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I'm glad you found us and I hope our members can give you some help and encouragement. Please contact one of the mods if you have any questions.

Do your best to hang in there. I agree with the others that you need to be on an antidepressant. I've been in the Pit of Despair, so I know how awful it is.

Welcome!

olga

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Thanks for the responses. I am seeing a pdoc. I'm on keppra and clonazapam (very low dose like .25 mg a day) for anxiety. I've never found an antidepressant that does anything but make me feel worse. I have a bottle of amoxapine my doctor gave me last month to try but haven't tried them yet. He knew I was doing pretty badly and insisted I give them a try. I just don't like meds and most of the time they just make me feel dreadful and I seriously don't need to feel worse. I know that they could potentially, possibly, make me feel better but it seems like such an insurmountable effort to get there. *sigh* Thanks for the website and the quote. It's nice to know there are people willing to listen. I feel so alone in this. thanks.

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Zoe, I'm sorry none of the meds have worked for you. All I can say is that I had to try several antidepressants before I found one that worked for me. We all have such different body chemistry. I assume you've tried some of the SSRIs or the Multi Reuptake Inhibitors? I hope you won't give up. Every person here is important to us and I don't want to lose anyone.

olga

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It sounds like your meds aren't really doing it. How long have you been on the keppra? If you haven't tried lamictal, it might be something to consider. Keppra is really kind of a weird choice for depression, given that depression is one of its relatively common side effects.

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I'm surprised by the Keppra too. I know a lot of people who take it for seizures, and Kepprage and depression were big issues. My husband had both side effects, he was a bear to be around.

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My doc gave me the Keppra for anxiety. He said rarely it helps someone when they can't find anything else and oddly enough it's one of the few meds that's ever worked for me. I don't have seizures or anything like that it's purely for anxiety. I know, I'm weird :)

I've been on the Keppra for about 5 years. I take about 2000mg a day.

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My doc gave me the Keppra for anxiety. He said rarely it helps someone when they can't find anything else and oddly enough it's one of the few meds that's ever worked for me. I don't have seizures or anything like that it's purely for anxiety. I know, I'm weird :)

I've been on the Keppra for about 5 years. I take about 2000mg a day.

Not so weird. If it works, it works. But it really sounds like you need to talk to your pdoc about adding something for the depression.

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I agree with what the others have all said. You do need to get some help ASAP.

I have been right down in the pits of despair in the past, and attempted suicide a number of times. But it really isn't worth it at all. Now, a few years later, I'm so much happier than I was back then. I'm glad that none of the attempts worked.

So, I know that none of us knows what is around the corner. It could be more of the same, but it could be a lot better. You don't want to miss out on the chance to once again enjoy life.

Hope that made sense. I'm writing this whilst still feeling sedated from last night's meds. :sleepy:

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Thanks for the responses. I am seeing a pdoc. I'm on keppra and clonazapam (very low dose like .25 mg a day) for anxiety. I've never found an antidepressant that does anything but make me feel worse. I have a bottle of amoxapine my doctor gave me last month to try but haven't tried them yet. He knew I was doing pretty badly and insisted I give them a try. I just don't like meds and most of the time they just make me feel dreadful and I seriously don't need to feel worse. I know that they could potentially, possibly, make me feel better but it seems like such an insurmountable effort to get there. *sigh* Thanks for the website and the quote. It's nice to know there are people willing to listen. I feel so alone in this. thanks.

No one here likes meds, but most of us have found that they are necessary to have any sort of decent life at all. There are a lot of meds to try in a lot of different med classifications, and it's highly likely that there are some that will work for you. If most meds are making you feel dreadful, then you haven't been on the right ones for you.

A mood chart is a good thing to do when starting or changing meds. There are online versions, or you can do a hand drawn one with the date along the bottom and a mood scale up the side. Then you just put an x every day for where your mood is. It gives a quick visual of your mood that both you and your pdoc will find useful. I could never keep up with a journal, but I could always put an x down every day.

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Thank you all for your help I very much appreciate it. I think I will give the amoxapine I already have a try. Does anyone have any good or bad experiences with that? I'm trying to stay busy and get out of my head right now. If it gets any worse I will call my pdoc or go to the ER. Thanks for your ideas and sharing your experiences with me. It really helps not to feel so alone. Now, if I can just get up the nerve to try that medicine.

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@ Zoe.

...I'm telling you, unless this hearing loss has been diagnosed for certain, to please go see an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist as well...because your symptoms sound familiar...

I don't know for certain because I'm not a doctor, but those are the symptoms I get when I've got clogged eustachian tubes and/or an ear infection.

Popping, clicking, gurgling, weird echoes, and I can't seem to hear vary well out of one or both ears...it's due to fluid buildup inside the ears, which can't get out due to swelling in the eustachian tubes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ear-anatomy-text-small-en.svg

Might be allergy-related if you live in the northern hemisphere, it's spring pollen season.

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I've been going through some stuff too and i always feel like i'm alone in this, and i agree the advice that's been given to you. Also, you're lucky that you have a husband and friends, and that maybe, along with the doctors and meds, to try and connect with people who love you. As for the ear thing, i went to a doctor who told me that, probably because of stress, i grind my teeth and it causes something in my ear to get inflamed or something, and it bothers me a lot sometimes and it's hard to hear.

Good luck with everything.

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When I read your original post it made me cry because I've been there (not the physical, but the mental). Sometimes I thought I had died and that was my hell. In January my depression was so bad for 2 weeks that I made my first suicide attempt. It was not a cry for help; I truly wanted to and believed I would die. Please don't get to that point. Unfortunately it's all "trial and error" with the meds, but I do agree with the others that you need an antidepressant. I am on meds that basically keep me "stable". Sometimes though, I still fall back into depression for no reason. My life is good. I asked my pdoc about this and he was honest, he said," There will always be bumps in the road." Hope your road gets smoother soon.:unsure:

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I've been going through some stuff too and i always feel like i'm alone in this, and i agree the advice that's been given to you. Also, you're lucky that you have a husband and friends, and that maybe, along with the doctors and meds, to try and connect with people who love you. As for the ear thing, i went to a doctor who told me that, probably because of stress, i grind my teeth and it causes something in my ear to get inflamed or something, and it bothers me a lot sometimes and it's hard to hear.

Good luck with everything.

You're right about me being lucky. He's so understanding and patient with my crap. He's one of the major reasons why I am still here. Sometimes though I really feel like he would be so much better without me. It's hard. Sorry you had ear problems too. :( Mine is medical though cause I went to an audiologist and I have hearing damage in my right ear. I have to go to an ENT to explore it further. Thanks for the response, I appreciate your help.

When I read your original post it made me cry because I've been there (not the physical, but the mental). Sometimes I thought I had died and that was my hell. In January my depression was so bad for 2 weeks that I made my first suicide attempt. It was not a cry for help; I truly wanted to and believed I would die. Please don't get to that point. Unfortunately it's all "trial and error" with the meds, but I do agree with the others that you need an antidepressant. I am on meds that basically keep me "stable". Sometimes though, I still fall back into depression for no reason. My life is good. I asked my pdoc about this and he was honest, he said," There will always be bumps in the road." Hope your road gets smoother soon.:unsure:

I'm glad you're here to answer this. I can so see this and be glad that other people found their way out of it. It's really hard to see it for yourself though.

I did change my meds, I raised my dosage of Keppra back to where it was originally and already feel calmer. I guess regardless of what I do I just need to take it :( I hate being on such a high dose! I'm taking 2250mgs now and that just seems like so much :(

I keep looking at the Amoxopine my doctor gave me and I'm such a chicken to start taking it. The thing is if I'm gonna live I don't want my body to be even more messed up *sigh*

Thanks so much for the response. It really helps to hear from people who've come out the other side. I lost my big sister to suicide and I always feel like it's my fate no mater what I do. :wall:

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I cannot remember this for sure, but I believe my husband was up to 3000mg before I put my foot down. He was taking it for seizures. It was seriously the worst part of our marriage. I am glad to hear it is working for you, I just had never heard of it used as a psychiatric med. As people always say around here, YMMV.

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I cannot remember this for sure, but I believe my husband was up to 3000mg before I put my foot down. He was taking it for seizures. It was seriously the worst part of our marriage. I am glad to hear it is working for you, I just had never heard of it used as a psychiatric med. As people always say around here, YMMV.

Yeah, I know it's unusual. My pdoc was at his wits end and had tried so many things for me for anxiety. He said this was an off label use and it had worked for some people so let's give it a shot. At that point in time I was walking around in a constant state of high anxiety, shaking, trembling unable to function at all. I couldn't even sleep, I'd wake up with panic attacks and I was just miserable so I said I'd give it a try. It immediately started calming me down. The more I took the better I felt. I don't know how it works but it works and I'm incredibly thankful for that. It's not like a Xanax feel better it's like I feel nothing from the med whatsoever except the anxiety is far less.

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