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I don't think a long account of my life story is necessary so I'll just skip to my current state of affairs. Somehow I managed to make it long-winded anyway - sorry about that.

I graduated from college in December and life has sucked ever since. My plans were to get a job at home until next fall, at which point I'd go on to either grad school or do Americorps. It is now April and I still have no job except babysitting, which is bringing in nowhere near enough money for me to be able to move out this fall without help from my parents. I really really don't want to have to ask them for help either, since I'm already going to be living in their house for almost a year rent-free. It's not like I've just been sitting around waiting for someone to hire me - I've actually been persistent and not at all picky about where I apply to and still no luck. I suppose a big part of it is that I don't have a car, so I'm limited to places I can either bike to or get hours at that would allow me to borrow my mom's car. I can't just get a car because I have no money. Because I have no job. -_-

Also, I got rejected from the grad schools I applied to. I got last minute cold feet about the prospect of devoting the next 5+ years of my life to schooling and my applications were sort of half-assed, so I'm not surprised nor do I feel too badly about it. Still, ever since I started college (and even before then really) my plan has been to go on to grad school. Now I just don't know. I look forward to my future and it is just grey and shapeless. Any time I try to make a decision about my long term future I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like no matter what I do I will wind up being horrible at my job and hating it. I'm just really hoping that I get into an Americorps program because it will buy me a little more time to figure out what exactly I want to do, plus my loan payments will be deferred. If I don't get into Americorps I don't know what I will do with myself.

I think all this uncertainty about my life would be a lot more bearable if I had good friends to talk to, but my social life is pretty much non-existent. I can say without exaggeration that I have zero friends where I live right now. High school was a pretty miserable experience. I didn't have many friends, and I didn't keep in touch with the few that I did have. In college I managed to find myself a great group of friends and I was happy with life. I swore that when I left college I would do a better job of keeping in touch with people. I did pretty well for the first few months, but then it became apparent to me that the communication was becoming pretty much one-sided. They'll talk to me if I call or message them, but it seems like they never make the effort to be the one to initiate contact. This would be understandable if it were just one or two friends, but it is everyone. In the interest of not wanting to annoy people I rarely talk to any of them anymore.

I can only assume that there's something wrong with me that makes people tolerate me when we see each other regularly but not want to bother keeping in touch. It's not like it's a matter of everyone just being busy and going their separate ways, because they all talk to and visit each other still. I feel like I'm being edged out of that group entirely. For example, one of my friends is having a get together and she invited pretty much all of our mutual friends but not me. I wouldn't be able to go anyway, but why wasn't I even thought of? I don't think I've done anything to deserve being excluded and I can't very well ask because 1) I'd find out they actually do hate me and that would suck or 2) She'd have some sort of explanation that would involve me not being hated and then I'd feel silly and things would be awkward between us for a long time. Part of me really misses them, especially my one friend in particular. I used to always be able to talk to her about things and now I feel like I can't without being a bother. The other part of me is inordinately angry and I just want to be like "Fuck you all, you can take your stupid happy lives and stay the hell out of mine."

It is April and still snowing. I do get out of the house to walk my dogs but aside from that I don't do much. I've arranged to start volunteering at a soup kitchen starting next week so I'm hoping that will at least be something that will get me out of my own head for awhile. Right now I'm not good for much but laying around in bed listening to Elliott Smith and ruminating on the many ways I am failing at life. I'm pretty sure this is a situational thing (major life change/lack of social support/winter is always rough) but it's been over three months of having depressive symptoms and I just haven't been able to bounce back. I don't want to go see someone since I'm still on my parent's insurance and I don't want them to know that I'm feeling this way. I'm not suicidal; I just feel very trapped and wish I could start over someplace new. =/

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You really, really, really, need to see a pdoc. From the sound of things, you aren't going to be able to get on with your life until your mood stabilizes, which could take a really, really, long time. Even though you're on your parents' insurance, it's not like they will get a notification about your every doctor's visit.

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