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So yesterday I went to the clinic to sign papers so I can begin to get services there. I haven’t been approved for my state insurance yet (AHCCCS) but because I’m SMI–severely mentally ill, I’m entitled to seeing the psychiatrist and get meds. But low and behold, they’ve lost my paperwork showing I’m SMI, which I was diagnosed as some 20 years ago. I’ve been to every mental health clinic in my town in that time, somebody surely must have a copy of that paperwork.

While I’m sitting there waiting, I began thinking about just having a major freak out (I’ve been on the verge of it anyway for the last month). I thought if I did that one of two things could happen. One; they’d immediately have me taken to the psych hospital because they’d get first hand evidence of just how fucked up I am. Which would be a good thing because then they’d be forced to have me see the psych doctor and get back on my meds, which I desperately need.

Or two; I could get really beligerant and the cops would show up and then I could force them to perform suicide by cop. This would be good too because it would end this damn nightmare that is my life, it would not leave the memory of me committing suicide myself and have that stigma in to death and then my kids could get my meager life insurance money. Which they don’t really deserve anyway because after all they’ve told me to get the fuck out of their lives and were even making death threats to me, they’d also spend the money on stupid shit.

As luck would have it, some guy showed up while I was waiting and was saying that his blood sugar was really low and he felt sick. The receptionist was telling him “hey dude this isn’t a medical doctor office, we can’t help you” when suddenly the guy passed out. Oh great! I couldn’t have a freak out now, it would pale in comparison to the guy sprawled out on the floor out cold. Damn-it.

Needles to say, I still haven’t been able to see the psychiatrist, still haven’t got my meds and am STILL contemplating what I should do next. I can’t stand this depression and my sick BPD/bi-polar mind screwing with me. And I still can’t get past the anger and irony of the fact that I have worked my ass off in this field for 10 fucking years and now that I need help I can’t get it!

Rant over........ for the moment. I’ll go back to pacing my floor, talking to the dogs telling them what a fucked up world we live in and bitching to myself.

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Maybe the fucked up guy passed out was a blessing in disguise =) Everything happens for a reason.

Administrative bullshit sucks, but just like going to the DMV, you just sort of have to wait till your number is called. If you get out of line and throw a fit, you'll just have to wait even longer.

Tough it out, you'll make it! I promise!

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