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Anyone else feel like a fucking hopeless guinea pig?


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I don't mean to be a whiner, and yet that is what I have been the last 24 hours on here. I'm sorry to repeat myself if anyone has read my other posts, but if they haven't, I have seen over 10 doctors/therapists in the last 3 years, and have been on 24 medications in the last 3 years as well. 4 hospitalizations, which actually doesn't seem to be a lot compared to some people, but it's still depressing to me. And I promise, I have TRIED to cooperate. I don't just hop meds or doctors to be ornery or because I think I know better. I feel I'm not understood. I try to explain myself but I am terrible at it. As Alienonite was saying to me, I have, in the last 3 years, been Dx'ed Depressed, Paranoid, Schizoaffective, BP I, BP II (how could they possibly think I was both when I told them the same histories both times?), OCD, ADHD, MDD, alcoholic, BPD... I agree with OCD, MDD, ADHD, and BPD, and some of them go hand in hand... But these docs Dx me when they hardly know me. They put me on meds that make me fat and slow and lazy and stupid. I dropped out of school for awhile. I quit my job for awhile...thank God I got it back cause my boss is amazing. I gained 50 pounds. I lost a lot of friends. I made crazy decisions. I find out later that half the meds they had me on were actually doing the opposite of what I needed. Whenever I'd take personality tests, they would come back "inconclusive," after I paid 200 dollars. Am I THAT fucked up? That I "fail" a personality test...twice? I finally "passed" it in the hospital in February, and got a Dx of BPD, but now my new pdoc and tdoc disagree with it. God I'm almost in tears right now just writing it I'm so angry and hopeless. I want to get better. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want my body back, and my mind back. I'm 22 and living at home and only have a part time job. I'd had plans to be getting my bachelor's degree and working full time, but I can barely get out of bed. I'm a hopeless fuck up. And I feel my pdocs never care about me...I'm just another patient...they throw whatever drugs they want at me.

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I think most of us (just guessing) feel like fucking hopeless guinea pigs. I know I did for several years before my pdoc finally worked out a cocktail that keeps me almost completely stable (still some anxiety).

Tommy

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If BPD is an accurate dx, meds aren't really likely to help much. And, just to non-m.d. me, the fact that you've never gotten great results from meds suggests that it might be. Maybe it's time to try DBT?

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You aren't whining, and you don't have to apologize for expressing your feelings. That's why we're here. We are all in this together, and I think we all know where you are coming from.

Yeah, it really stinks not to know what exactly is wrong with you, and you have run the gambit on diagnoses. Kinda makes you feel that the doctors either don't know or don't care or both. I suspect that I might be bipolar II, but my MDD gets carried with me wherever I go. I just wish someone would care enough to actually find out WTF is wrong with me so I can get the right treatment. As for being a guinea pig, I honestly don't care. I just want to feel better, and right now, meds are my only hope. I think I'd even take arsenic if they said it would help me.

Just hang on. There are good doctors out there who actually care and are not in it only for the money. It's just hard to find them sometimes.

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I'm sure DBT would help me, BPD or not...I just need to self talk myself into actually trying. I've gotten sick of it all and even subconsciously I've gotten a bad, hopeless attitude, which sucks. And even if it's subconscious, it's still partially my fault. I do have a workbook that I'm sure my therapist would be interested in (if she'd stop taking "sick days"). Even though I'm sad for you guys, it feels good to feel understood. I see a lot of other people's med signatures with as many past meds as me, some with even more. Some people have been hospitalized like 20 times. And it's good to have this support...but I want to break free. I hate that I will half resent people for whom a cocktail is perfect (the other half is happiness for them of course...I'm not a monster). But I'm jealous. Like why can't it work for me? And yeah I've had the first few weeks on a new med be perfect. But it's like a honeymoon phase. I want it to last!

Jt07, even if it is quackery, I don't know, maybe you should try to get that neurotransmitter test done. You said you'd take arsenic if it helped (lol) so why not that? You could at least ask your doc...if they say it's not worth it, at least you'll know.

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Guest Vapourware

I think the problem with mental health is that a lot of the diagnosing is still more of an art rather than a science, and therefore is imprecise. There's still no scan or blood test to accurately show that you have <x> disorder.

I can understand your frustration with the process, and I think a lot of us in the system have had similar frustrations with different diagnoses and failed treatment. I've switched between three meds in less than a month and my pdoc has told me numerous times that he's starting to run out of medication to treat me, which isn't really what I want to hear.

I hope your current treatment will help and I think if you have issues with self harm, emotional regulation etc, then going for DBT would really help you. I think DBT can be helpful to anyone with those issues, whether or not they have been diagnosed with BPD.

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  • 1 month later...

I have been lurking here awhile and have never posted. Wasn't sure where to start but you really nailed it on the head with this one. I feel exactly like this. I have been on a roller coaster the last 2 years and I just feel like giving up. I have had OCD my while life but after my 4th child went completely nuts, depression, anger, anxiety, panic attacks the whole package. After a while my doc decided I am bipolar. Tried pretty much every med under the sun and all left me feeling anxious and jittery. Finally decided to try ADD meds which really made me manic. Switched to Lithium a few weeks ago, was getting some relief until i got toxic and now am back at square one. i wish there was an easy answer for this. I am not even sure what i have, let alone what the right drug is for me.

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