Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

In a bit of a pickle and unsure as what to do...


Recommended Posts

Yeesh this is going to be long. So yeah I finally joined up, i've read the boards for a while but yeah... I could really do with some advice..

Brief mini background: Depression since 16, self harm most days (cutting mainly), suicidal thoughts, a few suicide attempts (meh) and so on..Been in therapy since 16..

Within the past 2 months I haven't been able to see my therapist alot, either he is away or the appointment slots don't work for me due to work or i'm having a really bad week in terms of coping and find it hard to get out of bed let alone make it to my appointment..which I know doesn't seem commited/look good..times are tough..

So 2..2 and abit months ago I was feeling really low and suicidal..I was trying to find ways to end my life 'effectively'...due to my failed other petty attempts and came across a few 'pro choice' (is that what you call them?) website, which was interesting because I was initially shocked..as I thought they were much harder to find plus the content aswell but I was slightly relieved at the same time for some odd reason.

Getting to the point, spoke to various people on the site, people were nice, understanding in a way, not fake and not judgemental...was good to talk to people in a similar position to me... came across some methods and through all of that..through the past month I was in essence 'planning' and I now have a plan and a rough timeframe.

Why am I posting on here? Well its gonna sound twisted but as I said initially I feel ridiculously conflicted...feels like a war really..part of me is just broken down, given up and aload of other negative things..kinda wanna give up, throw in the towel...I don't wanna be fake all my life i'm a failure in what i've done,I just hate this whole thing... smiling when i'm around other people so people don't bug me and ask whats up/so people don't tell me to 'lighten up' -__- but... a part of me is trying to reach out at the same time.. If I was 100% certain I wouldn't be posting etc, I know the part of me thats doubting is reaching out..so..

Reason for the thread is, i've got an appt with my therapist this Friday and I know he's gonna ask how everythings been etc as I haven't seen him for 3 weeks, like I really do try to be honest with him and that, but I really can't be open to the point where instead of saying 'yeah I was feeling low and tried to attempt' i'll say 'yeah my week was average'...wtf is the matter with me?

As most therapists do he likes to delve/push things ridiculously..he knows about some.. of the previous attempts and he knows about the websites that I was looking at but I dunno what to do, is there any point in telling him things have got worse and that i've planned and have got a rough timeframe.. ?

I'm unsure as to if I definitely wanna die but I just really am tired of feeling this crappy constantly, randomly crying yet feeling nothing, zoning out for what feels like minutes and then like an hour has gone, wth?

Tried some meds, doing cbt at the moment with the therapist, tried exercise, tried loads of things, only thing thats keeping me going at the moment is my job..which is only 3 days a week, my job is basically my life at the moment, the other 4 days I just stay under the covers in bed because I can't bring myself to get up/to do anything/to even eat sometimes...even though I have important exams coming up. Ugh.

Yeah in summary is it worth mentioning? I don't think it is personally but at the same time I am trying to essentially help myself but then i'm worried about the implications of telling him about it...

Wow that probably made no sense at all...i'm tired atm but I can't even sleep. Bleh.

I know i'm new to the boards, so won't expect aload of responses but some input from anyone would be really appreciated... If i've missed anything out etc then just ask..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time of it, but its good that you decided to post!

I do a similar thing with the therapist, i'm terrible at admitting things aren't going well, but i feel that the session is always much more successful when i can manage to mumble out the things that have really been on my mind.

If you have a plan and even a timeframe for suicide i definitely think you should try hard to bring it up. Especially if you're still having second thoughts or are unsure, having a professional help you sort out your feelings on the matter will hopefully only help! (and by that i mean keep you/get you wanting to live!:))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is going to be blunt, so I apologize in advance. You said yourself that you are conflicted about it. You said that you don't know whether to tell your therapist or not. But you are posting on here which means you are definitely reaching out for help. So I think you certainly should tell your therapist.

What are you afraid of? That he will try to stop you? That he will try to help you? That you will get help? That you will feel better? It seems to me that the worst that can happen is that you get help, and it doesn't work out. I think you should hold off on any plans that you might have made to see if you can get effective treatment and feel better. It certainly doesn't work in reverse.

Tell your therapist!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above posters. Tell your therapist.

You obviously do have a will to live, and it's right there in front of you, you posting to us, reaching out to us and asking for help. You might not see it in your fog of sadness but it's there, and I'm glad for it.

If you have a set date, that's all the more reason to tell him what you're feeling. You're not paying him to chat about the weather, you're paying him to chat about your feelings. Tell him everything you're feeling. It was hard for me to do that on several occasions to my own therapists, but it was worth it. I felt better, I felt much better. If you want to feel better, you should trust him with your feelings, especially about this, because it seems to me that it's taking up most of what you're thinking about. And from what I understand, you want to feel better. So please, do try to bring it up-- for yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh...I've BTDT, been actively planning suicide but didn't want to get put in the Hotel No Shoelaces...

This is what I think you ought to do:

Tell your doc and your therapist by phone (Tonight, leave a message) that you've been extremely tempted to commit suicide, and that you need more aggressive intervention. If you feel this awful-it ain't working. Ask for an emergency appointment earlier if you can get in to either of them.

You may have to sign yourself in or be threatened with involuntary commitment, since you're actively a danger to yourself, after you talk to them.

Guess what? That only lasts for a few days at worst. Dirt naps are permanent.

You might need to be hospitalized for a bit, how do I know?

Hospital environments allow for extremely fast and thorough sorting of problems.

Until you can get in to them, can you get friends to come visit? If you cannot do that, at least hang out here in chat and whine...the gang will usually bring the cheese.;)

Do you agree with that plan of action?

If not, what alternatives besides suicide can you come up with?

I know you feel like battered bat$h*t.

I'd like you to try and list some other ideas anyway.

BTW...having been to the point where I was looking at the pro-suicide sites myself, I strongly suggest you stay the hell away from those.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time of it, but its good that you decided to post!

I do a similar thing with the therapist, i'm terrible at admitting things aren't going well, but i feel that the session is always much more successful when i can manage to mumble out the things that have really been on my mind.

If you have a plan and even a timeframe for suicide i definitely think you should try hard to bring it up. Especially if you're still having second thoughts or are unsure, having a professional help you sort out your feelings on the matter will hopefully only help! (and by that i mean keep you/get you wanting to live!:))

Thanks for the kind response. Yeah the only issue is bringing it up... :/

This is going to be blunt, so I apologize in advance. You said yourself that you are conflicted about it. You said that you don't know whether to tell your therapist or not. But you are posting on here which means you are definitely reaching out for help. So I think you certainly should tell your therapist.

What are you afraid of? That he will try to stop you? That he will try to help you? That you will get help? That you will feel better? It seems to me that the worst that can happen is that you get help, and it doesn't work out. I think you should hold off on any plans that you might have made to see if you can get effective treatment and feel better. It certainly doesn't work in reverse.

Tell your therapist!

Naah i'd rather you be straight rather than sugar coating so thanks.

Yep conflicted as to what to do, its essentially crossroads for me now if that makes any sense.. I'm not being impulsive in regards to this all because part of me is trying to reach out ...which is where the timeframe comes in,

I'm posting on here, as I said in my initial post because part of me is for, part of me is trying to fight against... and I said ' If was 100% certain I wouldn't be posting etc' so yeah in relation to that for me its easy to write on an internet forum as there is to an extent anonymity, which works for me...its abit different..when your speaking to someone face to face, as i'm sure you'll understand..and I suck at this whole therapy thing, 3 years of it i've done so far...and i'm still at the same stage (i'm not blaming anyone at all, its most likely down to me).

What am I afraid of? Good question, mainly what he'll say/do even... Effective treatment? What are they gonna do that I haven't done already? Its just like going around in circles.. referral after referral after referral..

I want help...yes (which is why i'm still under this MH services..3 years later and i've been to the majority of my booked appts, 3 years may be nothing to some of you guys.. its understandable.. but to me, its alot of time, I thought I'd be done within a year and then things got worse , as I admitted in my OP last few weeks...appointments haven't gone to plan due to a number of reasons, I want to get better, i've been trying...I really have.. but at the same time, time in general is really an issue. Thankyou though for the reply.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

" for me its easy to write on an internet forum as there is to an extent anonymity, which works for me...its abit different..when your speaking to someone face to face, as i'm sure you'll understand..and I suck at this whole therapy thing"

maybe send off an email describing it? do you think that will be easier? or even type/write up your feelings and what you'd like to tell the therapist and give it to them at the appt?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh...I've BTDT, been actively planning suicide but didn't want to get put in the Hotel No Shoelaces...

This is what I think you ought to do:

Tell your doc and your therapist by phone (Tonight, leave a message) that you've been extremely tempted to commit suicide, and that you need more aggressive intervention. If you feel this awful-it ain't working. Ask for an emergency appointment earlier if you can get in to either of them.

You may have to sign yourself in or be threatened with involuntary commitment, since you're actively a danger to yourself, after you talk to them.

Guess what? That only lasts for a few days at worst. Dirt naps are permanent.

You might need to be hospitalized for a bit, how do I know?

Hospital environments allow for extremely fast and thorough sorting of problems.

Until you can get in to them, can you get friends to come visit? If you cannot do that, at least hang out here in chat and whine...the gang will usually bring the cheese.;)

Do you agree with that plan of action?

If not, what alternatives besides suicide can you come up with?

I know you feel like battered bat$h*t.

I'd like you to try and list some other ideas anyway.

BTW...having been to the point where I was looking at the pro-suicide sites myself, I strongly suggest you stay the hell away from those.

Thankyou for the reply.

My therapist is away til Friday unfortunately.. My doc..I can try and get an appt but I don't really wanna bother her over a minor thing.. :/

Ugh I wanna reach out and all but I don't want them to be alarmed or for them to start potentially freaking out...

Until then.. I was just gonna try to and keep busy or catch up with sleep..if I can...for now..

Dirt naps? I have to admit that made me smile..

Hospital..sounds a like a lot..even if my therapist was to suggest it. I don't think I kinda qualify for it tbh...plus that was really my main concern, I didn't really want it to be potentially blown up slightly by him which is what I fear by saying what i've said in the thread...Which is why I made the thread because i'm conflicted as to whether to mention it... (backwards I know)

Friends are not really an option at the moment, everyones doing their own thing.. meh. For now i'll just try and keep myself busy..

Yeah in regards to the websites, I know I should stay away from them..its hard but i'll try...

Again thankyou for the advice and relating...its appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above posters. Tell your therapist.

You obviously do have a will to live, and it's right there in front of you, you posting to us, reaching out to us and asking for help. You might not see it in your fog of sadness but it's there, and I'm glad for it.

If you have a set date, that's all the more reason to tell him what you're feeling. You're not paying him to chat about the weather, you're paying him to chat about your feelings. Tell him everything you're feeling. It was hard for me to do that on several occasions to my own therapists, but it was worth it. I felt better, I felt much better. If you want to feel better, you should trust him with your feelings, especially about this, because it seems to me that it's taking up most of what you're thinking about. And from what I understand, you want to feel better. So please, do try to bring it up-- for yourself.

Hey thanks for the reply, i'm based in Manchester in the UK..so fortunately its free for me in terms of therapy but you have some valid points about opening up. Thankyou.

" for me its easy to write on an internet forum as there is to an extent anonymity, which works for me...its abit different..when your speaking to someone face to face, as i'm sure you'll understand..and I suck at this whole therapy thing"

maybe send off an email describing it? do you think that will be easier? or even type/write up your feelings and what you'd like to tell the therapist and give it to them at the appt?

Thing is, I already started writing a letter regarding this all..not neccessarily to give to him (therapist) but just so I had it down on paper if an opportunity came up to be able to give him the letter, I started writing it up and then stopped..as I don't really want it being passed around within their 'team' of people working there, privacy issue is a big thing, i'm going to finish it when I get the energy..but those are good idea's. Thankyou.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My doc..I can try and get an appt but I don't really wanna bother her over a minor thing.. :/

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stickler's head explodes*

While I duct-tape my head back together, I want you to realize that this is MAJOR, not minor. If you have symptoms this bad, it's a big deal. Besides that, you've been getting worse for a while-two months?

You might want to start rating your mood daily and figure out what constitutes dangerously bad with the help of your therapist and doc, so that you can head these things off before it gets this bad again.

Also you deserve to feel better :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are you on any medication? Because it sounds like you need more support other than just therapy. If youre actively planning an attempt, thats bad... you definitely need to do something before a life event comes along and pushes you closer to the edge.

And good therapists -do- push you hard.. I wish mine did. Ive been making very little progress over the years and mostly on my own because he doesnt push me enough. Its really hard to connect with the memories and feelings that I need to process, my defenses come right up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My doc..I can try and get an appt but I don't really wanna bother her over a minor thing.. :/

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stickler's head explodes*

While I duct-tape my head back together, I want you to realize that this is MAJOR, not minor. If you have symptoms this bad, it's a big deal. Besides that, you've been getting worse for a while-two months?

You might want to start rating your mood daily and figure out what constitutes dangerously bad with the help of your therapist and doc, so that you can head these things off before it gets this bad again.

Also you deserve to feel better :)

OK, I need to completely agree with this post. Feeling suicidal is not a minor issue at all! I understand you feeling like it is, but that is the depression talking.

If you can't get to anyone before Friday, do you have a crisis team in your area? Or you could phone the Samaritans. They are open 24/7 and have helped me in the past when I've been depressed and suicidal. 3 days in that state is a very long time. I know that because I have been there over a bank holiday weekend and I couldn't stick it out.

Please get help ASAP, preferably today. You obviously do want to get better, or you would not have posted here. I hope things do work out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My doc..I can try and get an appt but I don't really wanna bother her over a minor thing.. :/

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stickler's head explodes*

While I duct-tape my head back together, I want you to realize that this is MAJOR, not minor. If you have symptoms this bad, it's a big deal. Besides that, you've been getting worse for a while-two months?

You might want to start rating your mood daily and figure out what constitutes dangerously bad with the help of your therapist and doc, so that you can head these things off before it gets this bad again.

Also you deserve to feel better :)

I'm sorry if I frustrate you.. -_-

Meh, yeah been getting progressively worse..

Good idea about keeping a log of my mood..

Thankyou for the kind words. Much appreciated..

Are you on any medication? Because it sounds like you need more support other than just therapy. If youre actively planning an attempt, thats bad... you definitely need to do something before a life event comes along and pushes you closer to the edge.

And good therapists -do- push you hard.. I wish mine did. Ive been making very little progress over the years and mostly on my own because he doesnt push me enough. Its really hard to connect with the memories and feelings that I need to process, my defenses come right up.

Nope not on any medication, before they gave my fluoxetine (prozac - sp) and citrolapram, both at low doses but it didn't work out.

Thankyou for the insight, that is a problem with me too, regarding defenses coming up. -_-

Thanks for the response.

My doc..I can try and get an appt but I don't really wanna bother her over a minor thing.. :/

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stickler's head explodes*

While I duct-tape my head back together, I want you to realize that this is MAJOR, not minor. If you have symptoms this bad, it's a big deal. Besides that, you've been getting worse for a while-two months?

You might want to start rating your mood daily and figure out what constitutes dangerously bad with the help of your therapist and doc, so that you can head these things off before it gets this bad again.

Also you deserve to feel better :)

OK, I need to completely agree with this post. Feeling suicidal is not a minor issue at all! I understand you feeling like it is, but that is the depression talking.

If you can't get to anyone before Friday, do you have a crisis team in your area? Or you could phone the Samaritans. They are open 24/7 and have helped me in the past when I've been depressed and suicidal. 3 days in that state is a very long time. I know that because I have been there over a bank holiday weekend and I couldn't stick it out.

Please get help ASAP, preferably today. You obviously do want to get better, or you would not have posted here. I hope things do work out.

Meh..it seems minor to me because its just been going on for a while, I feel slightly used to the feeling being completely honest..

Theres a home treatment team but I think you have to be referred and I really don't think I qualify for their service tbh.. I'm still yet to try out the Samaritans... but i'm not disregarding them...if it does come to it, I will try to give them a call.

3 days is doable..I think. mmm I'm trying to get more hours at work so that i'm distracted etc and i'm trying my best not to act impulsively when it comes to this and cutting..which is failing epically but i'm trying my best to hold off.. today I just stayed in bed all day on the internet..lame I know but meh.

Sorry to hear about your experience, hope all is well.

Its nearly 10PM GMT UK time now so I can't make any calls etc now but i'll really try to be honest with my therapist on friday..

Thankyou for your response.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Were you working with a gp or a pdoc when you tried the two meds? If the former, you really need to start seeing a pdoc, and exploring other options for meds.

Erm with the flux they with immediate effect reduced my appointments with the therapist..and I had 'follow up' appointments with the psychiatrist..

With Citro they told me to try taking it on its own and I only got follow up appointments every 3 weeks or so with the psychiatrist (presuming thats a pdoc on these boards - sorry i'm new?)

Thanks for the reply btw.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't frustrate me that much...I was joking (it's an odd sense of humor, I know :rolleyes:...)

But the UK system seems to be, from this remove, pretty challenging to negotiate at times. You really have to aggressively go after treatment, I think?

I get to deal with a different government system for low-income people, so I'm familiar with the care being something I really have to work to get. Whine. Whine a lot. Don't be stoic.;)None of that stiff-upper-lip-stuff. Tell them you feel absolutely horrid and something must change.

Yeah, meds can and do make a miraculous difference for some people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't frustrate me that much...I was joking (it's an odd sense of humor, I know :rolleyes:...)

But the UK system seems to be, from this remove, pretty challenging to negotiate at times. You really have to aggressively go after treatment, I think?

I get to deal with a different government system for low-income people, so I'm familiar with the care being something I really have to work to get. Whine. Whine a lot. Don't be stoic.;)None of that stiff-upper-lip-stuff. Tell them you feel absolutely horrid and something must change.

Yeah, meds can and do make a miraculous difference for some people.

Thankyou for your advice and help.

--

Unfortunately my therapists assistant rang me today this morning and he told me that tomorrows cancelled because he is sick and that he can see me next week Monday first thing..

Bummer...but will just deal with it.*sigh*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been trolling around those websites too, and they're addicting because they're so shocking. I picked up a method, ordered it, but I've never even come close to setting a date. That's really serious, and you should tell your doctor IF you are prepared emotionally and especially financially to spend time in a hospital. Nothing at all wrong with going to the hospital, if you have the insurance or money.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Therapy is great, but if you're suicidal, or having suicidal ideation, as the docs call it, you need meds to pull you out. Which means you need to see a psychiatrist (pdoc), not just a GP. Based on other posts, I know that's a bit of a pain in the U.K., but it's possible. I'm prettys sure there are some threads here on that subject, you can do a search for them.

In the meantime, check out this site:

Metanoia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...