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I quit smoking today!

I went to the therapist today and reported that I felt fine except for a twinge of guilt and shame I felt for standing someone up. He told me that (once again) I have an issue with setting goals. I know I do. I hate that I do.

Some how or another, it lead to the question, "Why don't I believe I deserve praise?" (This is because if I achieve a goal, I don't acknowledge it and still loaf about as a failure.) He told me to write it on the whiteboard and to take my time. I like whiteboards.

I wrote:

  • Low Non-existent self-esteem/worth
  • Repentance for all the evil things I have done... which weren't a lot to begin with
  • hkfsadfuidnfidsvsdv (I don't remember what that was.)
  • My purpose in life is to help others achieve their goals, not my own.
  • I have no purpose, so why don't I end my life.
  • yuihnsskfnafsoacms

After writing that, I felt sick to my stomach, because I wrote things that I always thought, but never said. Just like I never tell anyone that when I go to sleep every night, I fantasize that I'm in a hospital stricken with an illness or injury and close to death. My friends try to console me and themselves and secretly I'm happy. I'll be done with this. I told him that, too. Yes, I wish for a car to hit me.

Suicide, after a while, became pointless because I believe that I'll either just not exist, which is not really the point, or worse, I'll come back and not remember anything that's happened in this life and make all the same mistakes I made again. But, I have a death wish. Oh wow, I never said that before. This is all the whiteboards fault. I hate whiteboards.

So why have I been coming to therapy, willingly no less, for over a year, he asked me.

Because I have to fight, I say. What I don't say is that I don't know what I'm fighting for.

He attributes this to my childhood. He assigns me homework in which I am to list who I was as a child. So far, I have "good student". But he has a point. I can't explain how at the moment (brain just popped), but it has something to do with people not encouraging other aspects of my personality and just only praising my good-studentness, so that when I lost that status, I had nothing left.

The clock struck 12 and I had to leave and go to work, but I felt like shit for saying those things about myself. Still feel excrement-like. Is bi-polar also believing horrible things about oneself, yet not wanting them to be true?

I started smoking today....

--Marie

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I'm sorry you feel so down and bad about yourself. I know how that goes. Medications (primarily anyways) have helped me feel much better recently though. I don't know what your med situation is but I hope you can find some that work for you soon.

I feel like when things get better for you, you'll realize there's no need to fight. You only feel like fighting as long as you believe there's something fundamentally fucked up about you. When in reality there really isn't. Basically all i'm saying is that underneath all the chaos that is your depression is total peace of mind. And there's absolutely nothing you have to do or be to feel it or experience it.

I've definitely experienced a very similar state of mind to what you described here. I know you can and will feel better, try and be patient and good things will come. All the best

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