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I've always had anger management problems which resulted quite often in violence. And the way I tried to explain it to parents and teachers when I was young was this: I said that there was another being inside me (it was electric blue and spiky) and it would rip its way out of my body and do whatever horrible thing I was being accused of having done. It would do this on a reflex sometimes, someone might tap me on the shoulder and it would hit them in the face. As I grew older, I characterised it as an overactive guard dog that would do violent things to people for me, even if I didn't want them to be hurt. I'm still very anger-prone, and I still am violent sometimes more often than I should be, especially towards friends and family. I don't really see it as something from inside me any more, I just kind of 'let go' of reality. When something makes me angry, I get an overwhelming surge of energy through my body which disconnects me from thinking about what I'm doing, and then my body lashes out fiercely on the wave of energy. I honestly have no idea what I've done.

If I manage to stop myself from being swept away from reality, all the energy builds and builds and it makes me feel really burning hot and give me headaches, and the only ways I can diffuse the insane tension are screaming, throwing myself at walls, deafening myself with stupidly loud music, or scratching or biting my arms. Depending how long I leave it, it can take a long time for all the build up to go. If I stop venting all the tension before it's all gone, I end up doing smaller, less damaging acts of anger like yelling at people for no reason etc. If I delay the release of my anger, it tends to be followed very quickly by a feeling of emptiness and sometimes depression-type stuff, which leads to be being grumpy and irritable, which makes me more likely to be made angry again.

/tangent. Is the bit about hurting people without knowing what I'm doing depersonalisation?

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