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Come in and tell me all about my denial!


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So..

I few weeks ago I was DX with BP2. I was shocked, but not really. (I wrote about this a few weeks ago, but I'm still on the fence)

I'm still kind of undecided if I really have it. Here's what I'm telling myself:

HYPOMANIA

1. Not sleeping

This happened after I had my daughter and after I had my sons. I couldn't sleep. I was on a high. Isn't that normal, after having a baby, to not be able to sleep? You almost HAVE to go into overdrive to survive the not sleeping, feeding, baby crying thing, right? Besides, I never had decreased NEED for sleep - I fucking NEEDED IT BADLY - I just couldn't get it.

2. Racing thoughts

Again - after I had my children, I had racing thoughts. So many it sounded like static - felt like a pinball machine in my head. I couldn't even pick out words in the thoughts they went whizzing by like they were someone else's thoughts and I was just a bystander. I also had a song stuck in my head for days. It was playing over and over - I couldn't stop it - it was like listening to a song on repeat. But HELLO - I hadn't slept in days! I was overtired! Whose brain can keep shit together with days and days on end of no sleep. Wouldn't anyone feel this way? Besides, it only happened right after having my kids - isn't that like PPD or something else other than BP?

3. High sex drive. Um, not right after having my kids. No thanks! However, I have had an abnormally high sex drive my whole life. I don't feel it was cyclical though. And I never slept around or did anything risky or stupid.

3. Talking fast: yep. I do sometimes. When I'm nervous. I even interrupt myself. I'm pretty sure I do this when I am and when I am not depressed.

DEPRESSION

No fooling myself here. I have it. I have had it my whole life, on and off. However when i'm depressed I still have racing thoughts. I always have those. It's actually HUGE news to me that not everyone does. I'm having a hard time believing it. What does it sound like in a normal brain? One thought at a time? I can't even picture that. I guess this would be the one symptom that really sounds BP to me.

A couple of other things that may or may not be related to BP:

Sometimes I feel spastic. I knock shit over, spill my coffee, get all tweaky, etc. Clumsy, I guess that's what i'd call it. When I feel this way I also find myself talking a lot. Usually it's after I've had coffee.

I have an eating problem. I can't stop eating. I try to calm down by eating - does anyone understand what I mean?

i'm an alcoholic. Been sober almsot 10 years. Pdoc thinks that I was a drinker b/ I was trying to calm down mania, I guess. I do recall wanting to drink to calm down this feeling I was having. The same feeling I get when I need to eat, what I used to feel before I would vomit ( recovered from eating disorder for 10 years too).

Shit - i'm all fucked up - but is my fuckedupedness BP? Or other?

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If you believe that your pdoc really is off the mark, see another pdoc for a second opinion. I would not do that as a knee jerk reaction, but after enough time to tell if you both are effectively communicating.

To my knowledge, the normal brain shuts down with sleep deprivation. My bipolar one ramps up and speeds away. So, yeah, I agree that your racing thoughts sound the most bipolar. In some circumstances racing thoughts can be related to anxiety. In this particular situation, though, um, yeah, probably not.

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Your list read like the Dx checklist. Sounds pretty clear cut and consistent with Bipolar.i

BTW, "Lack of insight to illness" is listed as a hallmark of Bipolar disorder in every textbook. Only a couple other MI's even come close in this regard. So your denial is consistent with having bipolar disorder. ;)

a.m.

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It took me 15 months to accept my bpII dx. I was 33 when I got the diagnosis-no way it could be true. I put myself through a lot of agony because I didnt want this label. But Ive now accepted it and Im doing better... Not great or perfect but better. And thats worth taking a label.

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I tried treatment for MDD for 10 years before my diagnosis. And I spent the first year telling myself that I wasn't really sick, that I just had (albeit extremes) mood fluctuations. Most of that same first year was fighting with myself to quit the meds because "I didn't need them." Only I really became unmanageable then!

After almost 6 years of being diagnosed, I'm pretty comfortable with what the pdoc writes on my papers.

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Thanks peeps.

Hey, I think the lamictal started working this week. My friend said I looked calmer. (She doesn't know what's going on). She jus said I was less fidgety. That sounds good, right?

If you've been speedy, then that sounds good regardless of the cause.

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