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Trying to find a place in a world that can't seem to accept me


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hmm..how to start this...well, for starters, this will be written like my thought proccess...broken and full of '...'s'...anyways, I have yet to find someone in life who understands what I go through on a daily, if not minutely (is that a word?) basis. I was diagnosed with Anxiety/Panic disorder 7 years ago and it has gotten progressively worse. (for example, even writing this, knowing that there will be people reading it who have some of the same experiences as me raises my anxiety level, I'm not sure if I'm even going to submit it). Please forgive my spelling and grammar errors, I have not slept in almost two days now.

I believe I may have a sever form of agoraphobia, although I haven't been diagnosed yet ( I haven't been to my psychiatrist in about a year because he is a fly in)....I am literally afraid of EVERYTHING. Getting out of bed, water in general (including showering, I have to have someone in the washroom with me), elevators, bridges, darkness, being alone, going ANYWHERE, any pain, any sudden noises...well you get the point, if i was to list everything this would probably span 10 pages.

I have lost all of my friends but one because of my constant anxiety and fear of everything, and even my mother who suffers from anxiety herself does not understand what I mean when I say I literally CAN'T do something. I feel like the relationship that I am now in is failing because my anxiety is a constant stress on him. I can't sleep, I'm always a mess (emotionally), all I want is to have some time to myself, but my anxiety prevents me from even being one room away from another person...

I am on meds for my anxiety and my doctor actually wants to take me off of them (clonazepam...I'm Canadian). He tryed to prescribe me Celexa (sp), but one of my fears includes starting new meds, and swallowing pills, and celexa can not be crushed...ok now I don't even know what I wanted to say here...I can't focus/think. I haven't taken my pill for the day yet (I take one and a half daily, and have been for 7 years).

I guess this was just my way of introducing myself to the board, and anyone who reads this. I will most likely be posting more often, as I am trying to force myself to get better, and possibly see what it feels like to be outside again

ALYX

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Welcome, Alyx - I moved your post to the Introductions board, so that our members know to swing by and say hello.

Feel free to PM a mod or admin if you have any questions about the site - we're all a friendly bunch, and lots of us know what it's like to struggle with anxiety, so hopefully you'll get some support and advice.

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Hi, Alyx! Welcome to CB!

I have stupid anxiety shit as well that can get pretty damn ridiculous, especially if I'm not on meds. I go to therapy for this and that is helping more and more. I'm beginning to realize what people meant when they said that therapy would do more for my anxiety than meds could.

So, I know you're afraid to leave, but do you see a therapist? I hope so. I hate seeing someone stuck in something. I really hope things improve for you soon.

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Hi there Alyx. I, too, was diagnosed with panic disorder/anxiety about 7 years ago with agoraphobia..and it has gotten progressively worse as well...and no one seems to understand that either...

I understand what you mean about thinking about your anxiety because I get anxious talking and thinking about it. I don't know if in Canada they have a day therapy program or partial hospitalization? I start mine tomorrow and I think it will be challenging to have to leave the house (or my room, actually) everyday and get the help I need. I am not fully diagnosed, but maybe you aren't either? Well, I hope you get a jump start on helping your anxiety and keeping us updated along the way!

-Amanda

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Thank-you all for making me feel welcome here. It is surprising how much better I feel already after reading your responses.

@ Amanda: there is one program here that I know of, I actually signed up for it once, but when it came time to go I couldn't bring myself to do it. They help you face your fears, and all I could think about it they are going to stick me in an elevator or on a bridge or in water and I had an attack (I'm not sure they actually do that, but in my mind anything is possible)

@mynameis..: up until now I too was the only person I knew of that had a fear of elevators like this, it's nice to know there is someone who can identify...(hoping that doesn't sound as bad as I think it does)

@Emperor: as I said in my post, I only see a psychiatrist once a year, because he is the only specialist around here and he flies in, if things get really bad I have a number I can call, but they don't keep a file or know people based on their specific diagnoses, so I don't find that particularly helpful

I hope to learn more about this site so I can post appropriately, and will be probably be checking in an posting regularly, as being able to talk already has me feeling a little better about myself...it is a nice sunny day here, I may even attempt to sit on my back porch for a little while *fingers crossed I make it out the door*

Thank-you all again

ALYX

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