Damik Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I have no idea where this is supposed to go. I looked and it could fit anywhere or nowhere. *shrug* I have been diagnosed with ADD, PTSD, general anxiety, major depressive disorder with psychotic features and as an "overly dramatic person who gets worse with therapy". I have been on medication for the last seven years, ever changing as things stopped working or had intolerable side affects. I have a history of self injury and overdosing because the friendly voice in my head tells me if I just take enough pills/bleed enough/ingest enough toxic substances the hateful, degrading, abusive voice in my head will go away. I haven't been doing well for the last three months. I was taking Ativan, Lamotrigine, Luvox, and Resperidone. In March my psychotic symptoms came back with a vengeance even though I had been diligent with my meds. I also stopped sleeping. We played around with my levels of Resperidone. It didn't help. In the middle March my pdoc changed me to Geodon and dropped the Resperidone. The psychotic symptoms lessened, but I started having the overwhelming urge to do harm to myself. It isn't like I'm fighting with the desire. It is more like the resignation that it is inevitably going to happen so why not go with it. My DH has all my meds locked up because he doesn't trust me, and rightly he shouldn't. And I get this idea that if I shoot bleach that will make things better. We don't have bleach so that posed a problem. I wasn't invested enough to go obtain bleach, so yay! crisis averted. So I call my pdoc tell him I'm getting two- maybe three hours of sleep at night and that my desire to do myself harm has increased. Pdoc bumped up my Geodon and Lamotrigine. Hasn't helped yet, but that was Thursday I saw him last. The big issue I'm getting to is that I'm having the hardest time wanting to be med compliant. I need a kick in the butt or something. I haven't had a period for over six months, two weeks ago I found out that my Prolactin levels and TSH levels were elevated, and my anti-psychotics might be to blame. But long before that I just didn't want to do it anymore. I just want to be done. I figure I'm fighting a losing battle and why bother. I can remind myself that my former cocktail had been working for a year, but I can't remember a time it hasn't felt like this. I know I had been stabilized, but it feels like it has always been this way. KWIM? Maybe I'm just rambling. This morning I woke up and took a shower. While I was cleaning myself I noticed that the ladies felt sore and heavy and when ever there feels like there is something wrong with that area I must inspect the region. Much to my dismay I discovered milky white discharge running down my tas. Now I know that the elevated Prolactin can cause it, I know that the Geodon and Lamotrigine can cause it, and I shouldn't freak out. But I felt so shameful and dirty. (Yes, that is my general reaction to womanly issues.) I went to take my meds this morning and I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I had a standoff with that med box for over an hour. Really I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't win. I feel revealed and weak at the same time. It kinda feels nice to give into something you've been fighting for a long time. But still logically I know I'm going to suffer for this. It is not a good idea and I should have made myself take them, I should have tried harder, *insert self-deprecating remarks here*. So there is no question here or anything. Just decided my first post should be a confession. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tryp Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Hi there - Glad to have you with us. I moved your topic to "introductions" - that's generally where people put their first saying hello-type post. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. Does your doctor know that you're not able to take your medication? I would be a little worried about withdrawal from suddenly skipping doses. It doesn't feel like it now, but you've felt good before and you can again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exl2398 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 hello and welcome. sounds like you are on the med-go-round like a lot of us. did your previous med cocktail poop out/stop working? I hope you are able to find a combination that works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damik Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 Yeah my cocktail stopped working. I started having psychotic symptoms the end of February start of March. I had my Delusional Parasitosis come back and the noise of the voices come back. No distinguishable voice, just a crowd pushing into me. Even then I wanted to stop taking my medication. It has just been getting worse. I have a call into my pdoc, but he doesn't usually return calls until after 7pm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exl2398 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 well hang in there and get acquainted here, so we can help you if and when you need it. the people here are pretty good at working through problems. maybe check the chatroom to see if anyone is available to chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damik Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks for the suggestion, but I have cyberphobia and am usually completely useless in a chat room. I stand against the wall and watch. Forums are easier because I can delete things four or five times. Today is just a bad day. I've been trying to leave the house since noon and I just can't do it. Oh well, tomorrow might be good for something. That's all you can hope for right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exl2398 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 sometimes that IS all we can hope for. I hope things take a turn for the better for you. I know it sounds unhelpful to say this, but it WILL pass, just a matter of getting the right meds to get your symptoms under control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damik Posted April 21, 2011 Author Share Posted April 21, 2011 Well I talked to my pdoc and he's going to change me to Latuda tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exl2398 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vapourware Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Hai and welcome to the boards. I hope one day you can feel safe enough to enter our chatroom, it's a friendly place with some really good people. I hope the Latuda works for you. I can also understand the frustration with medication; there have been times when I've felt like I was a medication guinea pig due to all the changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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