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I'm being med compliant. Go me! Couldn't do it yesterday for some unknown reason. I convinced myself that I was betraying DH's trust by not doing it. But I digress, that isn't the point of this post.

Pdoc is switching me from Geodon to Latuda. I'm not finding much information about Latuda. I just want reassurance that it will help with my psychotic symptoms. I know I can't get that assurance, but you know if there was a site out there that would pat me on the head and tell me it was going to be great, well I would love to read that page.

I'm mad at my Geodon because it worked so well for me last time and now it isn't. Why do these thing stop working? Risperdal worked for me for a year and then out of the blue it stopped and changing the dosage only resulted in enhancing the side effects. With Geodon I wasn't psychotic, but I was having my PTSD symptoms coming out with a vengeance. It was all nightmares, flashbacks and frightened, helpless, worthless, dirty feelings. It was almost worse than I felt after the attack. I also had the crappy side effects.

So what I'm worrying about is going off the Geodon. I remember last time it was so bad I was willing to give up state secrets just to make it stop. I'm going off it as I start up on 80 mg of the Latuda. Will that help ease the withdrawal symptoms?

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See now the problem is I've started the drug, I'm feeling off and I don't know if it is all in my mind or something else. I know I need to give it some time for it to work right but I don't like what it is doing to me right now, if it is doing something to me right now or if I'm imagining it.

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Ok I'm going out of my mind. I'm still not sure if it is ;me or the meds. I don't want to be the kind of person who blames a med without giving it a fair shake. I took it three hours ago. I cant stop moving. I paced around my small house for almost thirty mins because I couldn't stay in one place. My chest feels heavy. My eyes hurt. I don't like this, I don't like how I'm feeling. I think I'd prefer the angry man, the crowd of pressing voices. I don't like this and I don't feel like I should complain to DH because I don't think he'll understand. I'm not sure I'll get a moment sleep tonight. I feel like I can feel every part of my body, I have to think about swallowing and that is important because I'm producing more saliva. I want to whine. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. I have to keep correcting what I've written because I just keep typing random keys to keep my fingers moving. And lots of periods. I can't push it just once because my hands are trembling and when I use my pinky it twitches on the key producing more hits than it should. I'm just being a baby aren't I. I'm sorry to be such a newb and such a bewb. (Is that even acceptable to reference that on the forums? If not I'm sorry.) And I'm perseverating on how I'm feeling and I don't thing that is good for me. If I keep doing this I'm not going to give the drug a fair shake. I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight. I'm so wound up. I'm never wound up. I'm the most even keeled person I know. I just hear voices that tell me to kill myself and the bugs crawl all over me and I try to get rid of them as the burrow into my skin. There are these parasites that make gaping holes in my breasts and I can't do anything about them I can't burn them out I can't pull them out. Its just this deep round hole and I can't think about them I can't think about them for days I have to medicate myself into a stupor to handle it because I can't handle it. I like the little chiggers better because I can burn the opening they go into and suffocate them. Kinda like you burn the bottom of a tick and they will back out of the hole but this is different because you have to close the hole. Their bottoms don't stick out they make tunnels in the skin and will go deep if you don't take care of them. You can also use baby oil, but it doesn't work for me because they keep burrowing. Then somewhere along the line I remember there are no chiggers in Utah. I think rambling on has helped. I don't have to move my hands as much. I feel like I should delete this but then I want to keep a record in case it is important. It might be important.

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I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. It's always tough to start a new med. Hopefully, Latuda will work out for you. So you are burning your breasts? I think the medicine would be much preferable to that.

Good luck with the new med. Hang in there to give it a fair chance.

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No, with the breast delusion the "worms" are about the size of maggots. When I'm in that state I don't believe that I can get rid of them like that, though I would if I thought it would work. I used to try and follow them through the "holes" they made. Sometimes with an Xacto some times with a pencil. When I got over the delusion and see what I have done it would trigger another episode. To avoid that I would just take Zyprexa (It's side effect for me is extreme sedation and it puts me out for a whole day and most of the night) and I would sleep it off.

The chiggers mostly come from the ground and grass. They go up my feet and legs. If I "catch" them in time I only have to burn my feet. But other times I am certain that they have traveled up my body. I have three cats and sometimes the littlest one will catch my skin and leave a small scab. When I'm delusional I believe these scratches are openings that the bugs have traveled through and I burn them, too.

I'm going to give the meds a chance, but if it doesn't work there are still others I haven't tried. I'm feeling more hopeful then I was earlier this week.

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