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brain drain

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I dunno if my lil story is that different from the others on here but here goes. I started having disgustingly huge episodes of OC behaviour at the age of 9. I would be stuck at the home light switches, turning them on and off in random patterns, sometimes for up to three hours until my brain decided it was enough. I would walk to school, with my friends and have to execute certain goofy rituals just to be able to proceed on my treck to school(too retarded to mention). I could not get past certain paragrpahs in my school books as I would have to re-read them over and over until, again, my brain said, "ok, move on". etc. etc. Eventually, when I got a little older, at 15, I overdosed and attempted suicide by cutting my wrists. I drank so much that if my sister did not find me in time I wouldve been dead minutes later. I think, at that point my brain and body had had enough with the EXCESSIVE, life consuming rituals and nonsense. It was affecting my school, relationships and whatever else. After that I was sent right to a shrink and into the psych ward of a hospital and put on a slew of meds, most of which made me go even nuttier. When I was released I remember being in a constant state of panic and weakness. I actually made some strange attempt at hanging myself with a towel or something with my own hands(weird). I had to see social workers, pshychologists and what not and eventually I was placed on some meds that kept me stable, NOT happy, but stable. I was also placed on Clonazepam to control the rampant anxiety.

Years went by and I remained medicated. I cant say that the anxiety factor ever left, but it was somewhat manageable. I got a little but cocky and tried to ween myself off the meds in my early 20's; I was tired of having to take this stuff. All was well until the stuff finally was cleared from my system and I crashed again, BAD. I was so depressed I could not even go into the sunlight.....for some reason I wanted to stay curled up in the basement couch away from the sun, and in the cold. It derailed my attempts at obtaining a degree at school and set me back quite a bit. I needed to see the doctors and such again and I had to get back on the meds.

As of late, I am still on sertraline but I had to get back on the benzos as my anxiety is just horrendous.....unmanageable. My brain just wants and likes to worry. I sleep like shit, feel tired and listless and life just generally blows. I have been dealing with this stuff since I was a small child and I want it gone. I am tired of people telling me to relax, stop fidgeting, and telling me I look stressed etc. I exercise as much as I can, and get out inthe sun...these "natural" remedies do not seem to work. Sometimes I resort to cheap alcohol to clear my stupid thoughts, but that is not a rational solution, if there is one.

Has anyone tried electro shock therapy, and what really works for anxiety, worry and the deep rooted feeling of depression? This has been a small snap shot of some of the things I went through(some too disturbing to mention IMO).....My brain sucks....case closed

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Welcome to CB - I'm glad you found us. There are many people here struggling with depression and anxiety, so you're not alone.

take a look at the rules when you get a chance, and feel free to PM a mod or admin if you have questions about anything.

If it's your thing, don't forget to check out our blogs and chat.

We're a friendly bunch - hopefully you can get the support that you need here.

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