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I don't like life very much.


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Happiness really, really eludes me.

Now, this is really going to sound conceited, but I've always felt that I was handed a pretty bad hand in life. I even resent myself for saying this, because I'm able-bodied and sound-minded (as far as I can tell, apart from the wicked case of depression). I was born into your average middle-class family, I didn't lack for anything materially yet dealt with tremendous insecurity that I can't shake off to this day. My mother has always been chronically depressed with schizophrenic tendencies, and my father is a very cold, chronically angry man. Both come from abusive backgrounds. I don't know what on earth compelled them to reproduce - they probably felt they had a shot at creating a happy family life, but two dysfunctional people usually pull each other deeper into the abyss. Instead of figuring things out, healing themselves and creating a emotionally stable environment around them, they had me, then spent decades blaming each other and me for the way their life turned out to be. On the outside, we were a super family though, because it was extremely important to keep up appearances.

Today they're still in the same situation, immobile, unable to go forward, festering in their resentment and disappointment in each other and life.

Of course, I was depressed - probably a mix of genes and environment. I first started thinking about suicide when I was 6. Through my teenage years, I became very angry at my situation, and turned the anger inwards (isn't this the very definition of depression?). Instead of doing rebellious or dangerous things though, I stayed in my room, on the computer, reading, or simply closing my eyes and imagining I was somewhere else. I built an entire world in my head, where I'd get the love and emotional support I so desperately needed. I was terribly ambitious though, and just knew I was going to get out and rock the world. I thought I was smart, but my grades started to slip - at 16, I was burned out by the entire situation, and I just didn't care anymore. I let life pass me by. I went to college, but still had to live at home (no financial aid, no dorms in the country I am from, students just live at home until they graduate). I flunked out after two years, eaten alive by depression and the anxiety monster. I tried taking a year off, doing menial jobs (food service and retail mostly) to bring in some money, but would just stop going because I wanted to stay in bed and waste away.

After another year of this crap, I met someone, and hightailed it out of there. It's been a few years since then. I'm OK, mostly, but I stilI don't like life very much. I'm not suicidal, but if I were to kick the bucket I wouldn't be extremely sad. I wish I had a supportive family to rely on should the sh*t hit the fan. I'm sad I didn't have my carefree college years, or a degree. See, I didn't go out and rock the world after all. I got an office job - I don't want to talk specifics, but this is not the right kind of environment for me at all, though I am grateful it keeps a roof over my head. I am going back to school and now work 50 hours weeks without any real vacation - it's tough and I have a long way to go, plus the recession blah blah meh. I have good days and bad days. I'm a high functioning depressive, if there is such a thing. Some days, I feel content but that's about it. What if this is the way things will be for the rest of my life? I'm very, very average in looks, talent and smarts and nothing is ever handed to me - I'm not expecting things will magically get better without some hard work, but I wish I would get a little break once in a while. I think I'm just tired of fighting. I can't stop thinking that if I had a normal family growing up, I'd be a doctor or lawyer now, doing something interesting and rewarding, and much less insecure about everything.

I don't even know what is the point of this post. I did therapy, I did meds. They help, but again they're not magic. So what is this is as good as it gets?

(Oh boy, all my sentences start with "I", just add "self-centered" to "whiny and spoiled")

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Hi and welcome to CB! I'm sorry that you too suffer from depression.

If I were you, I would try to stop focusing on what you cannot control (your family, your upbringing, etc.) and focus on the here and now. Stop playing the "if only" game. It leads to nothing but depression, and I know this from experience. Everyone can say "if only" and come up with a better reality than the one they are living.

I realize that you are a high-functioning depressive, but it isn't fun feeling that way. If I were you, I try meds and therapy again. As you can see in my signature, I am on a lot of meds, and sometimes it takes that to get over the depression. Honestly, I don't think you will find the answer to your depression in your past. The present is what matters.

ETA: Don't worry about beginning your sentences with "I." Every depressed person does so. That's why we are here - to listen and hopefully give some useful advice.

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I can definitely relate to having a shitty family life. growing up in my house, my dad had mood swings, and just get angry like yours. but it wasnt that bad, they raised me good enough to be able to think clearly, think on my own. but i relatively was not at all close to either of my parents, my mother i would just dismiss whatever she would say basically and ignored them for the most part growing up, stuck to my own, played computer games which was a good escape for me.

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It CAN get better than it is, but you have to do a number of things.

First, toss out the thought that you have no right to be depressed because you had a nice middle-class upbringing with lots of material things. Depression hits at all economic levels and it doesn't much matter what you have (or don't have).

Your parents sound like sad people. I think it's good to distance yourself from them. I'm with jt07 on this issue--you can't control your parents or your past, so it isn't going to help you to concentrate on them instead of what your life COULD be. Many of us didn't have carefree college years and don't have supportive parents, so you have to learn to work with what you've got.

It sounds to me like you've done very well---you're holding down a job, and that's no easy thing. Your depression is still not under control, so I think you have to revisit the pdoc/tdoc/meds thing and try again to find something that works. There are dozens of antidepressants, and if you also have anxiety, that needs to be addressed in order for you to have a happy, fulfilling life.

From my perspective as an older person, I can also tell you that good nutrition, sleeping for 7 to 8 hours every night, going easy on the booze and recreational drugs, and getting daily exercise will also help. It's boring as hell, but it works.

You've come this far--I'm very confident that you can get help for your issues and have a good life. Good luck!

olga

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Hi and welcome to CB! I'm sorry that you too suffer from depression.

If I were you, I would try to stop focusing on what you cannot control (your family, your upbringing, etc.) and focus on the here and now. Stop playing the "if only" game. It leads to nothing but depression, and I know this from experience. Everyone can say "if only" and come up with a better reality than the one they are living.

I realize that you are a high-functioning depressive, but it isn't fun feeling that way. If I were you, I try meds and therapy again. As you can see in my signature, I am on a lot of meds, and sometimes it takes that to get over the depression. Honestly, I don't think you will find the answer to your depression in your past. The present is what matters.

ETA: Don't worry about beginning your sentences with "I." Every depressed person does so. That's why we are here - to listen and hopefully give some useful advice.

Said perfectly. Totally agree.

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I don't even know what is the point of this post. I did therapy, I did meds. They help, but again they're not magic. So what is this is as good as it gets?

No, this is not as good as it gets. Listen to olga, she speaks the truth, especially this part.

Your depression is still not under control, so I think you have to revisit the pdoc/tdoc/meds thing and try again to find something that works.

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This is a vicious circle. I'm stuck in it right now, too, so I can understand. You try meds and therapy. Therapy gives you an outlet for talking, but it takes forever to find a med that works, and therapy is fucking hard work you flat don't always have the energy to give. I broke down and cried in my appointment today, because I felt so frustrated and overwhelmed. (I can count on one hand the number of times I have shed tears since I turned twenty.) It's all just so damned hard, and it piles up. So there you are, feeling depressed, struggling to help yourself with the things that are said to work because it's difficult and you have no energy because you're depressed.

Shit. You know?

Thing is, depression makes you doubt. It makes everything look and sound and feel empty and pointless. It's like arthritis of the mind; a constant, chronic ache. It just wears you down. That's why treatment is so important. It may seem pointless, but that's the depression itself talking. When it attacks your mind and emotions, it also affects your perceptions, and your attitude. It can make it difficult to see what's really going on.

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