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hello,

im a 32 year old male who was originally diagnosed with bipolar back in 1994. my memory of it is hazy, but i was placed on medication for a year and then bipolar went into remission until i went through full blown psychotic mania here in early 2010. heres my story.

like i said 1994 was diagnosed bipolar. i remember at the time i believed i was the messiah or at least some important religious person. believed i could communicate with telekenisis. and a whole bunch of other crazy stuff. well after being medicated for a year it all went away as if it never happened. i went on to move out of the house at 20. moved to kansas of all places where i built airplanes and worked as a volunteer sheriffs deputy for several years. well i made the transition from volunteer cop to full time cop and it was then that my life began to go to shit. this was 2006 and now that i have a degree of mental clarity, i believe this was the time when my old pal bipolar disorder decided to come out of remission.

i ended up resigning my position as a cop (wasnt for me in the end) and going back to aircraft work this time as a contractor. took several contract jobs in kansas before i finally got laid off. at this point the economy had gone to shit, and there were no job prospects for an aircraft worker of my particular skill. after trying to find a job to no avail, i lost my home and ended up having to move back in with mommy and daddy. this was about 2008.

between 2008 and 2010 i took various contract jobs throughout the country but couldnt find anything stable. i guess the stress from this got to me or something, and in 2010 i went into full blown psychotic mania. thankfully i was at home at the time because i really think i could have gotten myself killed if not sentenced to prison for doing something stupid. my dad ended up having the cops commit me to a mental hospital because i didnt want to go in by myself. i was ordered to treatment for a year and here i am now.

the hardest part about this bipolar stuff for me has been accepting it. i was in mania from around jan 2010 to at least jun 2010. it took me months to realize what had happened. i was there in a mental hospital, had to go to court, was acting like a maniac, yet it still took me several months to process it all until finally one day i realized that yes something is wrong. from there i lay in bed for months in a deep depression. thinking about killing myself all the time because i thought that now i had become worthless.

ever since that psychotic episode i havent been the same person who i was before. i cant focus on anything. i cant read a book. i get angry about anything. my thoughts race on occasion and it really seems like im under assault by my own mind. i used to be extremely patient, now i have no patience.

the psychiatrists always talked about "baseline" i guess referring to a point where i was "back to normal." im still trying to find baseline.

short of writing a damn novel here, im trying to find my footing again. i like this board because people dont seem to be so sensitive. i had previously gotten banned from the dbsa board for saying "you mentals need to lighten up" lol. seemed like all those fucking people wanted to do was cry in public and look for somebody to pass them an electronical hug.

im not looking for hugs. just an outlet i guess. maybe find somebody with a similar situation so i dont feel so out of place. well thats all i got for now i guess.

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Guest Recluse

Welcome to CB, man. You're right in observing that we aren't over-sensitive here, but just sensitive enough to offer support. I hope CB is the right fit. ^_^

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yep, no hugs in this place! Let a moderator know if you have a question, and be sure to read the rules when you have time.

We have a very active forum for bipolar, so I hope you glean some good ideas and feedback from your fellow travelers.

olga

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That's why I like it here too. I also got banned from a depression board I had been a member of for years. They all of a sudden decide to have everyone fill out application forms to be a member and apparently I was too crazy. Stupid pricks.

Used to piss me off that they'd edit my posts all the time anyway like we were a bunch of 5 year olds. Anyway welcome & (((( ))))) :D

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That's why I like it here too. I also got banned from a depression board I had been a member of for years. They all of a sudden decide to have everyone fill out application forms to be a member and apparently I was too crazy. Stupid pricks.

Used to piss me off that they'd edit my posts all the time anyway like we were a bunch of 5 year olds. Anyway welcome & (((( ))))) :D

LOL, I'm wiping tears from my eyes.

FW: Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you have made it to this point.

I'm not sure I can see a single baseline thru my life. You have to take things as they come. Still patient education is a major goal of treatment. Learning what is normal for you (now), learning your triggers, and warning signs (prodromes) so you can work with your doctor to take action.

cheers, a.m.

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