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Ashdene

Don't you ever just want to turn ove to the "the dark side"?

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Sometimes, I just want to say fuck it and throw in the towel. And say I can't do it any more. And I don't want to. It goes against my nature anyway! I just feeling like hiding from all of it. Lock my door, ignore my responsibilities, resign from my job and if I fuck out, who cares anyway! Would it not be an easier way of living, rather then pretending to be normal ever day! Cause its so dam hard keeping up with my life!!!!

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I am sick of responsibilities, work, being on the top of my game, Being sane, not reading into things over and over again! I have been ignoring phone calls, paying bills, getting my car fixed,,,,,,,

I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to quite and lock myself in my house. But that work will it.... Agh I just want to say fuck it!!!!!!!! I don't want to breath anymore. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. But I don't have anything to do, I just want the world to end.

And to add to it, I'm lonely and live alone! I would like it to all end. I am behind on paying bills, ignoring phone calls, dodging work and making excuse (amazingly I am rather convincing), I'm tired I guess!!!! and just want life to pause for a while!!!!!

I never thought I would make it to 30 anyway

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I was actually talking about this with my social worker yesterday.

It ties into some other stuff that I was experiencing at the time when I was most depressed, but yes, I do struggle with this feeling a lot of the time.

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I have felt that way for months... I keep hoping that something will happen and BING, it will all make sense. I know it's impossible to be motivated to call doctors when you're like this, but if nothing is changing, maybe you should? Just so that your doctor knows what's going on. Also, your therapist, who might be able to find ways to motivate you. I know when I was in the hospital, we did this thing in the mornings about making ONE attainable goal for that day. In your case, it could just be to go outside for a while, call a doctor, call a family member, or something. I'm sure you have friends who are worried about you. Maybe you could call one and just go out one night? I've noticed that even if I'm depressed, sometimes, just putting on make up and a dress can alleviate it for a short time... It's not a cure, but it at least allows me to feel like getting out of the house. Or just waking up.

I know some of this is just stupid sounding and probably won't help... Some of it is just impossible to do when depressed... But sometimes the problem is staying in the same place all the time, you know? I hope that someone else has better advice to really help. I just don't know what to do.

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I feel a lot like this too, latley. just getting out of bed seems like the same effort of running a marathon or something. I also agree you should talk to your therapist about this, or whoever you see. i agree with going out, too, sometimes it can temporarily make you feel a little better just getting out of the house, even if it seems like way too much effort, it helps a little. hope you start feeling better

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Yes - if I didn't have my wife and daughter, I'd be living in a shack ala Ted Kaczynski - growing my own food, avoiding people, but not blowing them up - maybe just send a rant or two to the local paper now and again, spleening.

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Yes. I could never get to the point of leaving my wife and kids behind. I did find a wonderful concept and web site based on principles of simple living. It's all about not getting caught up in the rat race... moving away from the things you think you are supposed to do to the things you want to do, the things that energize and fulfill you. It can take awhile but I'm more centered now that I'm on that path.

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I feel like this a lot. I'm not nearly as depressed as I used to be, but somehow this feeling won't go away. Wishing I could just give up, wishing everything could just stop. But it just goes on and on and on. Sorry, no advice, just sympathy.

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I'm there too. Sometimes I really just want to let it all hang out, so to speak. Screw trying to act normal - I'm going to talk out loud to my voices, cry when I want to, do nothing when I want to and let everyone in on just how jacked up my brain really is. They don't know - none of them - just how nuts I am. blink.gif

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Again, didn't know others felt this way. I often think being put in a hospital would be great. No responsibilities. Sleep, eat, maybe even lose some weight. I also want to just give up and let the thoughts and moods take over and give into the eating and blow up to a size 50. Wallow in my sadness. It's going to sound crazy, well maybe not to everyone here, but I have 2 cats and they keep my from doing all of this. The thought of them going hungry and being neglected keeps me going. I also heard a study that said when senior citizens go out, even to the grocery store, and have human contact, they are happier. On my worst days, I somehow find the will to get off my ass and go to the store. Even if to just answer the "How are you today?" from the cashier. Sometimes it really helps.

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Giving up and admitting I couldn't do it anymore, going into hospital for a short time, was the relief I needed at the time. Trouble is, I lost the choices I might have had about my life. It worked out OK for me, cos material stuff was never a priority, but if you have nothing you can't very well lose too much, right?

I'm not saying giving up for a bit is a good or bad thing, just that it's good to weigh up the consequences with the benefits. But more importantly, if it's what you really need RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, sod the future implications, it's more important to look after yourself NOW.

I'm no counsellor, no doctor, no expert. Just wanted to give you my thoughts, based on my limited experience, cos I have been where you are. At least, what you describe is very much like how I have felt. I just think, why let the crap win out? What's been the point of it all til now if we just roll over and submit?

Hope you can look back and see "what is the point of Ash".... cos I'm guessing so many people would be in a worse place without you.

charlotte x

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The one and only reason I haven't taken myself back to the hospital is my children. I try as hard as I can to hold my shit together for them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I hide as much of it from them as I can.

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All the time. All the fucking time. I thrive on being depressed and bitter and mournful. In a sick way I love it and have allowed it to define me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about the idea of being level and acting normal will erase my personality and kill my creative spirit and force me to redefine myself or accept that everything I've ever been has been stupid or pointless or whatever. The truth I guess is that being level and normal allows me to actually be the person that I really am and I need to learn to believe that I deserve happiness and affection and self-love instead of sadness, lonliness and isolation.

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When I'm majorly depressed, I feel this way. I just want someone else to take care of everything for me. Luckily I have an understanding husband who can actually do this for me, to a certain extent anyway. But yes, sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and say "fuck it, I'm a loser at life". Lack of money to pay for a hospital stay along with my lovely daughter keep me from doing it.

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I feel like this RIGHT NOW. Sometimes I can get past it, but today is one of the days I cannot. I find I have to just shut down for a while and let the depression do its thing - the main goal is to distract myself, so that even though the negativity in my head is there, I'm not listening to it. Not fully. I might still be in my pajamas and not at work, but I'm not actively hurting myself or others.

Sigh.

Today is just not a good day.

But being on here helps me remember that I'm not the only one.

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HI

I'm back, sorry I never replied sooner, I guess I was taking a time out from my computer too.

Feeling a bit better actually. I think. It goes up and down, but I guess that is what bipolar is! It sucks!

One thing i am picking up here is having forced responsibility or somebody to learn on, even when its the last thing in the world that you want! So as I live alone, I am thinking of getting a dog. I love dogs and think there is nothing better then somebody to love you unconditionally. Problem is that I work in a hospital and so work a lot, so would need to get two? Which is a lot! But allergic to cats.

I also read a book "Veronica decides to die" by Paulo Coelho. One thing it showed me how easy it is to just give up and loose your touch with reality or escape it. And its not worth it, esp to give up who you really are, even if you are a little touched!

Needless to say, I am having a good day so we will see how I feel tomorrow!!!

xox

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Glad to see you back, Ashdene.

I do hope you consider that even with two dogs, if you work 12 hour shifts they will probably either have to be outside during the shifts, or you will need to hire someone to let them out to use the potty, as it were. I'm not much of a dog person, but I have two (sigh, the boys) and they can be great companions for each other, but they can't be inside for too long stretches..... in case you live in an apartment.

pets are a great idea for anchoring. I love cats too, and am also allergic, sigh. Really, I'm a horse person at heart, but have neither the time nor the money right now.

Anna

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I'm glad you're feeling a little better. :)

I have dogs, so I know the love and the fun and companionship they provide, but like Anna said they need a lot of outside time and exercise. Don't laugh at me, but my personal favorite low maintenance pets are guinea pigs and birds. Guinea Pigs are REALLY affectionate and chatty, and birds are very intelligent. I'd lean away from the bird if you're going to be gone for the majority of the time. They are flock animals and go a little bizarro if left alone too long.

Edited to add: I always keep my pets in pairs so they aren't lonely if we're not here.

Edited by SugarBooger

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I think I am jumping in here late, but I wanted to chime in and say yes - all the time. There are days where I want to run away, days where I think prison would be easier than life, days where I think being hospitalized would be wonderful. Being free of the responsibility, the choices, everything.

I went through Army basic training and it was heaven. People told you what to do, how to do it, when to do it. Life had a set in stone schedule. You were responsible for yourself only.

I really miss it.

I have two kids now and they are the only reason I even get up in the morning.

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I have garden apartment with a big big garden. And if I get little dogs they can get in and out through the sliding doors during the day while I'm not there? So we will have to see :) I had a jack russel 2 years ago (shit times go fast) and it slept every night in my bed with his head on the pillow, when i walked he held on my dress and pranced behind me! I even cowered in the corner of the shower while i showered! He just wanted to be with me all the time! I loved him, little max. But he got killed by a baboon when i went to the family farm for a visit!!!

So going to look into the idea of another dog??? but taking it by ear!

Riaketty, sorry you are having a hard time :( Hope you feel better soon!!!!! xox

I tell myself that if you wait long enough it passes! I hope xox

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