Do you ever want to tell people how you really feel?

[SnowFlake]

Going into work, paying the cashier, getting you car fixed, anyplace where you come in contact with people doing a service there is the standard "How are you (today)?" You know it's automated and they really don't care. My usual response is "Fabulous!" Big fat lie. What I really want to say is this: "My day sucks and I feel like crap. The world is closing in and I barely got out of bed. I'm thinking of cutting myself again. My drugs don't seem to be working and I'm about 2 seconds from falling apart. How are you?" Eventually I may just go over the edge and do it.

[justme04]

oh yes, i'm tempted to tell people how i feel all the time. how depressed i really am. i bareley get out of bed, too. i'm so tempted sometimes, but we have to hold it back...

[dedoubt]

I go through periods when I do tell people exactly how I am really feeling. Sometimes it is deliberate, and sometimes it is because I can't curb my impulsivity and it really sucks. When I see the blank, somewhat shocked looks, I know that I have been rambling about something nonsensical. When I've gone out of my way to say "fuck it" and explain that "well, you know, I just go divorced and my ex is getting custody of my children because I am mentally ill and have no money to challenge him and he is getting the house and the car and I am about to be homeless blah blah blah" or something, it doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes the people who asked "how are you?" feel bad, plus spreads around way too much about my life which comes back to bite me in the ass when I get more paranoid....

So, how are you?

[Emettman]

So, how are you?

Bits of me are excellent.

I tend to use that when I can't do the socially-expected great big lie of "Fine, how are you?"

Sometimes it gets taken for humour, which lets the moment pass.

[Random Rabbit]

So, how are you?

Irritated.

I actually answer that question honestly only about 30-40% of the time.

[lysergia]

Bits of me are excellent.

i love this.

[LynnK]

Yeah, when I'm depressed I hate getting this question, and hate that I'm expected to answer positively. So I usually say, "Could be worse" or "Hanging in there." I figure they're both socially acceptable and true -- if I'm well enough to be out of the house, then things could be worse, and I'm presumably hanging on by at least a thread.

[goodoldneon]

Aside from this board (and one or two others), I rarely, if ever (drawing a blank here with respect to “ever”), respond truthfully to such questions. In public, among friends, I tend to be fairly shy (whereas, at work, where I’m employed as a supervisor of a customer service department, I can play the role of manager [and, ahem, a pretty fucking cool one I must admit]), and all but a few trusted friends and family members know the depth and extent of my illness – i.e. that on a daily, hourly, pretty much constant basis about 60% of my brain’s own processing power is devoted to thinking about and/or trying to not think about pulling its very own plug – the remaining 40 is split between, what’s for lunch/dinner/breakfast, hey, what’s that shiny thingy over there and dick jokes.

I’m socially phobic* (hence my past alcohol abuse – mostly social), so, when out in public, I don’t exactly go out of my way to engage folks in idle conversation. When confronted with a dangerously loaded question such as “How are you?” I usually respond with a small-talk-conversation-killing –“fine.” The thought of actually answering, honestly… well, it gives me an extreme case of the howling fantods. My daughter’s pre-school recently held a “Donuts with Dads Day” – while I was overjoyed to spend the morning with my daughter, interacting, socially, with other dads that appeared normal and well adjusted in ways I could only imagine was just fucking horrifying.

End of ramble.

*Though good-natured and gregarious whilst drunk, my behavior tends (tended – I’ve pretty much given up on the alcohol) towards the volatile and unpredictable– in the past, my behavior had a tendency to, well, alienate people. If, while enjoying a drink at (the now deceased) Smithwicks in Lowell, MA, you ever found yourself on the receiving end of an errantly thrown glass or stool or a sustained barrage of glasses or maybe even found yourself at the business end of a hot roman candle, a pack of firecrackers, and/or a fistful of bottle rockets, well, please accept my apologies and try to take comfort in the fact that I really and truly meant no harm.

[enlightened_plutonian]

If it is just a randomer, for example a shop assistant, then I will either ignore them or just say I'm fine. Though there was actually one occasion when I was in the shop and the radio started talking to me (personally) just as I had walked in the door. I freaked out a bit here, but could not say anything because if I responded then everyone in the shop would know who I am. So I went and picked up whatever I needed (it was a long time ago) with probably a look of panic on my face. When I paid for my shopping, the shop assistant asked me how I was and I ended up thinking that they knew that it was me that the radio was talking to, and therefore who I was. I had no choice but to remain silent, but part of me just wanted to scream out 'I'd be fine if the radio wasn't talking to me!!!!!'.

If it is an acquaintance, then I will usually say that I am getting by or something similar.

But if it is a friend, then I do have a tendency to blab on about whatever is going on for me on that day. Perhaps that is why my friends have this obsession with discrediting my every word (which I really do hate). Maybe I would do better for myself if I just said that I was getting by to my friends, rather than elaborating. Oh well.

[crtclms]

I think in most cases, it is just a way of acknowledging the other person. People wouldn't like it if whenever they wanted to talk to someone, instead of banal greetings, they got a "WHAT!?!" or a "Yeah? What do you want, anyway?" If it is a friend, they usually actually want to know how I am doing, but other than that, I take it as a verbal "nod" of acknowledgement.

[bpladybug]

Sometimes I just pivot. "Why thank you for asking! And how are you?" Sometimes i answer with the weather. "I would feel better if it would stop raining." Occasionally I answer w the truth.

I remember an important appointment right after my little dog died (put him to sleep actually) I knew I would have difficulty holding it together, and the appt was with a wonderful woman who fosters dogs, so I told her the truth. I wept a little during our hour together but she soooo totally understood.

[The Emperor]

When I was a waitress a few years ago, I did my thing, asked the guy at the table how he was doing, and he replied with "I have no expectations of anyone anymore" and this was right after I'd been cheated on and I felt the exact same way, but I couldn't do anything but offer him a shot of whiskey. I wanted to say "yeah, me either" or "I know how you feel" but I couldn't.

Not that this has too much to do with the conversation at hand, it just made me think of that day. That's something I won't ever forget because it made me wish I could be that straightforward with my thoughts on my day to day situation.

Sometimes, on facebook when it asks what's on your mind, I want to post something like "I don't understand how you people get out of bed every day, don't you understand that the world is shit?" but I never do it.

[Velvet Elvis]

I usually just say "I'll live."

[Anna]

With shop assistants and shit, I just ignore or answer "fine". They don't want to know, they're just doing what they have been trained to do.

With some people, I will answer "you want the socially acceptable answer, or the REAL answer?" then they can let me know.

With friends and family, I tell them.

The woman who REALLY bugs me who does it is the desk clerk at my IOP program. It's a "Hi, how ARE you?" every fucking time. One of these days I'm going to scream at her, "I'm coming to fucking IOP how do you THINK I am ?????"

Really, she should know better. A simple "Hi, nice to see you" would be better, IMO.

Anna

[Emettman]

With some people, I will answer "you want the socially acceptable answer, or the REAL answer?" then they can let me know.

I've been known to use that one too. Sometimes because I'm not sure if its a "opening ritual" or a genuine enquiry,

sometimes just as a wake-up call .

The inverse: My doctor complains that at appointments, when he asks the people who have come to see him how they are, a lot of them reflexively reply "Fine!"

[goodoldneon]

The inverse: My doctor complains that at appointments, when he asks the people who have come to see him how they are, a lot of them reflexively reply "Fine!"

That would be me - it takes me a good 10-15 minutes to warm up and get comfortable; by then, the 20 minute appointment is nearly over. We've discussed this problem, and as a result (and for other reasons - I just started Lithium, and, inspired by another board member [i don't recall your name, but thank you!], I sent her a letter articulating what I simply cannot vocalize - i.e - the severity of my suicide ideation), she's asked that I attend a full one hour session tomorrow. An appointment I'm both looking forward to and sort of dreading.

[enlightened_plutonian]

The woman who REALLY bugs me who does it is the desk clerk at my IOP program. It's a "Hi, how ARE you?" every fucking time. One of these days I'm going to scream at her, "I'm coming to fucking IOP how do you THINK I am ?????"

Really, she should know better. A simple "Hi, nice to see you" would be better, IMO.

Anna

I hate this too. Like when you go to the doctor and they ask how are you. 'Yeah, I'm fine, that is why I have come to the doctor!!!???'

[dedoubt]

One of these days I'm going to scream at her, "I'm coming to fucking IOP how do you THINK I am ?????"

Will you, please? You don't even have to use words, just get really close to her face and scream:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa. I hope that didn't hurt anyone's eyes.

When my pdoc asks me how I am doing, I know what he is asking-- not a simple "how are you" but "how are your moods/how are the meds?" If I don't give him the real answer, I might as well not even be there. Even when I am embarrassed that my moods are still fucked up, or my meds are still giving me trouble, I tell him.

[Guest Recluse]

I despise small-talk and I hate having to go through the generic, soulless motions of answering back and forth and being expected to be happy regardless of the circumstances in my life. As one of my favorite professors once said, 'Never ask how someone is...they might actually answer you.'

Frequently, I pretend not to have heard the question, or I just nod in response without answering and keep walking. If I'm in an especially rage-driven mood, or I don't have the opportunity to disengage quickly, I'll meet their eyes and hold them for a second before answering as curtly as possible, 'Fine', as it's usually abrupt enough to interrupt the mindless verbal sequence.

People typically don't expect an answer anyway.

[WinterRosie]

We have a problem where say, a male alter, or someone who is much younger than our body is, will answer honestly for them. It's embarrassing and causes much confusion both for the people that we're interacting with, and for ourselves as well. The use of "I'm fine" instead of "we're fine" frustrates a few here anyway.

We don't like this question and never have. Usually we just "mumble... how're you?" instead.

[lysergia]

[Emettman]

Is she fending him off in an ineffectual way? There's some thing there that just rubs me up the wrong way, but then I'm not Victorian, or Edwardian, come to that.

Yes, let's not talk about the weather, unless you've got some spectacular video footage.

Can I rule out fashion and "celebrities" too?

Two women on London bus:

"Isn't the weather we've been having terrible?"

"Yes, but it's better than nothing."

[hollywoodfreaks]

If I'm feeling shitty I just say "I'm...okay" while shrugging my shoulders or something similar. It's a polite way of saying "I feel like crap, so shut up about it."

[december_brigette]

Oh! what gets me is people saying "merry christmas" in the South (excluding florida - i dont think i ever had it happen there).

I felt like, what did you just tell me? and how do you know i celebrate it? after a while I took on the mind-set of robot and repeated it back "merry christmas to you too." because that's what they wanted to hear.

people. what to do?

db

[dedoubt]

people. what to do?

Go on a drug fueled killing spree?

[olga]

I love it when people ask Baboo how he is. Sometimes he's in a snarky mood and says "Well, I didn't have such a great bowel movement this morning and there was a pain in my stomach that traveled back and forth...." etc. You get the picture. Don't ask old people how they are doing because they just might tell you.

olga

[Mim]

I never answer the question. Usually I just reply, "hey, how's it going?" I wouldn't answer honestly even if I felt like it, just because it's been my experience that at a lot of people have this irritating "oh my god me too twice as much!!1" thing going on.

I do have to say, as a former register jockey, I learned to ask "so what's going on today?" as opposed to "so how are you?" Regular customers find that less annoying, and sometimes it leads to some interesting stories from out of towners. Once, when it wasn't very busy, I talked to some people from Belgium for a good hour about their vacation. Actions are always easier to relate to, and easier to talk about.

[SandDune]

"How are you (today)?"

An ex-colleague routinely answered "Deeply Depressed thank you."

Soon soon some undeserving minimum wage earner is going to get a

"SUICIDAL!! I JUST WANT TO CRAWL UNDER THE DESK AND CURL IN A BALL AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND THEN I WANT TO RUN AROUND ATTACKING THROWING BREAKING UNTIL MY MUSCLES FEEL LIKE PULP AND THEN I'M GOING TO crawl under the

desk

and

cry."

[lysergia]

Don't ask old people how they are doing because they just might tell you.

hehe i love this. and Baboo rocks. how old do i have to be before this applies?

[december_brigette]

I love it when people ask Baboo how he is. Sometimes he's in a snarky mood and says "Well, I didn't have such a great bowel movement this morning and there was a pain in my stomach that traveled back and forth...." etc. You get the picture. Don't ask old people how they are doing because they just might tell you.

olga

I think I love Baboo!!!

[SnailySlug]

Going into work, paying the cashier, getting you car fixed, anyplace where you come in contact with people doing a service there is the standard "How are you (today)?" You know it's automated and they really don't care. My usual response is "Fabulous!" Big fat lie. What I really want to say is this: "My day sucks and I feel like crap. The world is closing in and I barely got out of bed. I'm thinking of cutting myself again. My drugs don't seem to be working and I'm about 2 seconds from falling apart. How are you?" Eventually I may just go over the edge and do it.

Oh yes, I relate to this.

I've had clinical depression and anxiety problems since child hood and the cultural nicety of the "How are you?" or "How have you been?" everyone asks when I meet them annoys me too.

When people ask, I tell them things like,

"You know the polite, short answer is supposed to be 'Fine, thank you.'"

-and the other person laughs, because they know what I mean.

They know I'm really saying,

"I'm doing terrible, but I know you are expecting to hear the rote, insincere, 'I'm doing fine, and you?'"

Sometimes, I'm blunt and say,

"I've been doing terrible, and you?" -that gets a laugh, because they see I'm being brutally honest and not playing the game, and they appreciate it.

A good answer is, "I'm doing the same as usual. And you?"

That one is good because you're telling the truth, you're not revealing your whole sordid history with a total stranger in the first five minutes (so they won't think you're a nut), yet, you're not giving the sunny, cloying and untrue answer of "I'm doing great!"

[Anna]

i asked the receptionist at the intensive outpatient that i go to to PLEASE stop asking me how i am.

later, the iop therapist told me i had caused her to sob hysterically for 5 minutes. he seemed to want me to do something about this.... uh, no? i told him i wasn't responnsible for her feelings and had no intention to do so.

now she ignores me completely. while i am academically interested in her complete move from one unprofessional extreme to another (i mean, who the fucking hell is doing GREAT in an iop program?) I find the lack of the question completely restful.

i kinda want to ask her if I really made her sob hysterically and if so suggest a brief inpatient stay at the main unit, but I think I cannot be bothered.

Anna

[lysergia]

i kinda want to ask her if I really made her sob hysterically and if so suggest a brief inpatient stay at the main unit, but I think I cannot be bothered.

Anna

probably good you can't be bothered but... ooh tempting. i mean bawling over THAT little request? really?

man your IOP sucks.

[Anna]

The whole damn hospital is run by untreated craziness... i think.... Anna

[Octopuppy]

I love it when people ask how are you? becuase I'm a dick and always make them feel uncomfortable by telling them I'm shit, my depression is bad and unmedicated and I'd rather be dead, thanks. And yourself?

...um... I'm okay...

No rambles, just a little summary and a polite smile. Works like a charm.

[mcjimjam]

I am never honest. I think of it as a formality. I worry if I answered honestly people would think I'm seeking attention or pity. I wait tables at a cafe and often serve at the bar, I am genuinely interested in customer's problems and experiences, if they choose to share them. I enjoy the distraction from my boring job.