just.confused Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi there, my names Eddie. I came across this site and decided to join so I could maybe find solace in advice from others who might be having some of the same issues I've been dealing with. To start, I'm 19 and throughout my whole life I've dealt with many hardships and near constant stress an many forms. I guess it really all started with my realationship or lack there of with my father. Now, I don't harbor much resentment towards him, but he has his problems. He's had problems with drug addiction and alcoholism and he's told me before that he suffers from depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder. Also, my mother deals with depression and anxiety and is a recovering alcoholic, in her words. Other things that I've dealt with include the stress of two step-fathers who were mentally abusive, one of whom I am quite sure was trying to drive my mother to insanity, because at that time I had never seen my mom acting so strange. She suffered from delusions, such as believing our car seats were aliens to hallucinating about creatures on the rooftops in our neighborhood. Needless to say, we were very happy to get out that situation. After that, the stresses I had didnt completely dissipate, but things got better. Now, enough of my life story. I'd like to maybe get some adive as to what I can do to help with my problems. Ever since I was young I suffered from mild to severe depression, on and off. This stems, mostly I believe, from all the stress I've been subjected to, but it also has a long history on both sides of my family. The depression can sometimes feel just overwhelming and it has caused me at times to be very reclusive and antisocial. As well as decreasing my feelings of self worth and increasing my feelings of just not knowing who I am and helplessness. I am always very aware of my faults and weaknesses and I constantly fear that those attributes outweigh anything positive about me. Most of the time I just feel hopeless and apathetic. And just depressed. Also, Ive suffered from anxiety for years. This also runs in my family on both sides. Theres not much to say about this than that I suppose. My biggest worries come from my severe bouts of insomnia, my very small appetite ( I sometimes go days without eating and still have no desire to, eventually having to force myself to eat) and my, and this is the only way I know how to call them, pychotic breaks or episodes. The latter of these is my main worry. Since I was a small child, I've had issues that I find very hard to explain. Theses problems first started, I believe, with frequent nightmares. Dreams so terrifying and disturbing that I still remember them to this day. In addition, I've also dealt with sleep paralyisis on many occasions and I used to go lucid during dreams. I didnt have any bad feelings toward the lucid dreams, I should say. It was just strange and really very fascinating. But I digress. When the problems really started was when my nightmares seemed to manifest themselves in my waking life. That is to say, I suppose, that I started to have episode of hallucinations and feelings similar to those in my dreams. What happens during these episodes is very hard to explain, but Ill try because this is what I'd like the most help understanding. What happens is this: It usually starts with an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety. Then it seems like all the sounds around me begin multiplying and echoing, at which point I get very scared. Once that has happened I actuallystart to hear what sounds like a huge group of people surrounding me and mumbling or yelling at me.. I can never make out clear words, just the mumbling and yelling. At this point it litterally feels like my sensory input overloads and starts attacking me. I guess thats the way I'll put it. Dyring all this I just get terrified. These episodes can last a short while to up to an hour I suppose.And then they just fade away. Thats the best explanation I can give and they happen seemingly at random. In addition to all this, IKd like to add that on several occasions Ive awoken from one of my nightmares and been subjected to these things. Almost like a nightmare while awake. For example, I remember once I woke uo downstairs in my living room under the impression that I was being attacked by flying pumpkins. As well as hearing the mumbling and yelling voices. This, you might imagine was very terrifying. Eventually the "dream", what have you, faded and I was able to fall back to sleep. I apologize for the length, I just wanted to be as detailed as possible to maybe get some opinions as to what I am dealing with as well as some advice to deal with these problems. If anyone can maybe shed some light on this I would be very grateful. thankyou, Eddie. A.K.A just.confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
San Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Welcome, Eddie. Do you have a pdoc (psychiatrist) or tdoc (therapist)? They might be something to look into, especially with a family history of mental illness. I've never had episodes as terrifying as yours sound, I hope you can get it sorted. I'm sure someone has more advice to give. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.confused Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Well Ive been wanting to go to someone about my problems for a while, but Ive never had the money to go regularly. Ive only spoken to someone once, getting referred to a psychiatrist, but I was never able to go because the visits wouldnt have been able to be payed for. :/ So Im really at a loss of what do to do. I suppose thats why I came here. I plan to see a doctor about my problems, Im just not sure when I'll be able to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keltatkorn Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Well I can relate to some of the things you are saying. I have night terrors and thats what it sounds like you're having. I'm not a pdoc so I can't tell you exactly whats going on with you. I have simular dreams(not anything with pumpkins though)with people yelling at me and sounds are like they're right in my ear.I mostly have dreams that consist of people tying to kill me or getting trapped in a boat thats sinking(I'm hydrophobic in a way).Just my biggest fears come out in my dreams. I'll usually wake up screaming, sweating or sitting up and freaking out. I hope you get the help you need and maybe share with me cause I haven't found anything yet to get rid if them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Try your local social services office, or your local heath department. They can get you lists of low income providers, free clinics, etc., in your state, advise you as to what social welfare programs you might qualify for, and how to apply. my state has (or had, they just cut the SHIT out of them) fantastic social welfare programs, which i had to use for the first couple years moving out here as I was unable to work and had no insurance. they really saved my life, probably..... i think it's great you joined the boards for support and advice and whatnot, and please keep posting. we're here for support, which is exactly what you need. I certainly cannot dx you (nor can anyone here) but with your childhood, I'd imagine the anxiety and stuff is pretty normal, but still needs to be dealt with. It may be situational/PTSD or some other form of more organic disorder, but either way, it needs to be treated. Also, google "the counseling project" in your state. It's a non-profit agency that offers free counseling in return for completing volunteer services and its' great. i'm not sure how many states have it, but it's a really good program..... There's all kinds of things to look for and stuff, but take action! First step is seeing what you qualify for, and that means Social services and health dept..... Good luck, hope things improve. Anna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.confused Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks for the info. I'll definitely be looking into those things. Though, something Ive become aware of is the fact that going for counseling and such makes me very nervous. The first, and only time, Ive ever talked to anyone other than my immediate family I was just really nervous. I got jittery and what not. I'm not exactly sure why I got so nervous, Im sure its normal. I'm also not exactly sure why I mentioned it. I suppose it just felt natural to. Anyone else ever felt nervous about such things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 The nerves are normal - it means that you care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunakin Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi Eddie, First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry for what you've had to go through in your life. I'd be inclined to believe that he traumas you've been through have contributed to your current state of mind. Mental illness is often hereditary, so it's great that you seem aware of this also being a contributing factor. I can certainly empathise with a lot of the feelings you have...I have post traumatic stress, generalised anxiety with panic attacks, and bipolar. I've had a few similar experiences as you, as far as being awake but having dissociative-type of episodes, where an aura occurs beforehand. I feel exactly as if I'm in a nightmare type of dream, and also unfamiliar with all that's around me...as if it's not the reality I'm familair with. During these times, I've had mild auditory hallucinations, and a few visual ones as well. They certainly can be terrifying and hard to make sense of in a logical manner. I've had them during migraines as well, and don't know for sure, but wonder if perhaps they could be connected with a brain/blood flow issue, and/or some type of chemistry gone haywire in the brain...I'm no Dr., so I'm not sure about it. My psychiatrist has told me that these are most likely elevated panic attacks. I dissociate mildly which causes a depersonalization/derealization episode. She told me it's kind of my mind's way of protecting my body from going through the "typical" panic reactions, which would be hyperventilation, increased heart rate, etc. Mine too, will come on at random times, but have also occured as a direct result of identifiable stressful events. Some people do not react in a controlable manner, or handle stress well, and I'm one of those people I'm hoping that you will soon be able to get professional help so you can discover the cause, and be in a better position to help you cope with them. The advice given, to seek whatever community mental health program available to you would be a great thing to check in to, at least until you can find a way to afford it on your own. The best advice I can give you, especailly since you're not able to get professional help immediately, is to try, to the best of your ability, to take care of your body. I know this may be hard for you, as it is affecting your eating/sleeping, etc. ( I have the same issues as well), but even if you just lay there with your eyes closed and don't sleep, your body is still getting a type of rest. I have found that if I eat right, try to force myself to stay on a schedule of a regualr rest/sleeping routine, take vitamins, and get a bit of exercise every week (go for a 20 min walk, or whatever you feel comfortable doing, a few times a week, just to get the blood flowing through your body)....all of this does help a lot! While it is defintely no cure, it is just that much less for your mind to have to process if your body is not being taxed due to lack of sleep & proper nutrition. For now, you have at hand to work with, is to take the best care you can of the vessel of your body. It might, at the very least, minimize some of the most troublesome of your symptoms, to a degree. I also recommend activities which help you decompress and relieve stress, such as meditation, reading, journaling, a hot bath, cold shower, or a hobby of any kind that might help to distract you, even if it's momentary. Any thing you can think of that gets you to more of a "Zen" place in your head? I sure hope this helps, and please keep contributing whenever you feel the need! Good luck to you. ~Lunakin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunakin Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 PS. I've also found that doing a simple breathing exercise, by breathing in slowly through the nose, and exhaling slowly through the mouth, several times in a row, can have a naturally calming affect if you're feeling anxious or stressed out. It's a common method that many Drs. will prescribe during anxiety or a panic attack. Don't worry about feeling anxious going to a Dr., many of us feel this way. Perhaps if you keep in mind that you have a goal of feeling well as your primary focus, will help alleviate some of the overwhelm that you experience during the process of your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.confused Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks for all the support. Its definitely a very good feeling to have. Before now, I never really felt like I had anyone to talk to. I mean, my family has always been there, but its just different to get opinions from others. The fact is, I do at times feel strange talking to my mom or friends or other people Im close to about these things. Im sure those on this site can relate to that. Also, Im fortunate to have a very intuitive ear for music so thats what I do to keep sane mostly. I write and play music. As well as listen to it obsessively. Its one of the only things I run to and really one of the only things that helps. Of course, when Im having severe problems its not going to do much, but I have found some coping methods. I do practice breathing exercises and I have meditated many times. I picked it up from my mom. I also write. these things do help to some extent. Kind of like a pacifier. You know how it is. Ive been thinking, actually, about starting a blog here. I'm quite positive that could be beneficial. Plus, its a good way to improve my writing skills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunakin Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Eddie, that's great that you have these things you can do, that can help to a degree. A lot of times I've found, that even with having professional help for many yrs myself, the obvious will be stated to me (IE the answers are inside you ), and I've repeatedly been told to take as good care of myself as I can..I guess any Dr. will always tell a patient that, and it sure can't hurt.... But the importance of getting professional help would be having access to advice that's beyond our knowledge, and also getting prescriptive/med help as well, since most MI issues will be dependent on this type of therapy too. There will be times for me that it seems NOTHING helps, so I therefore am more aware of cherishing the moments when I can find something that does. Sounds like your mom has taught you a few things that help you cope, and I do understand feeling embarrassed or vulnerable sharing things that are very personal, and perhaps scary for you to go through. I've learned over time, to glean various coping mechanisms and being open to receiving them from many different sources (reading, talking to friends, observing other's reactions/behavior etc.), in addition to professional guidance. To me, it sounds as if music heals your soul, and that is a great thing!! ~Lunakin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.confused Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I do definitely feel that way. Ive just had a very strong connection with music for as long as I can remember. Its truly a wonderful thing. And by the way, I like your picture Lunakin. I have an affinity for cats. They are my favorite pets and Ive always had great bonds with mine. Theyve helped me through a lot just by being so sweet and loving. Not to mention the fact that they're beautiful animals. Haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunakin Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Oh yes, I agree about cats & music, but I don't play any instruments. Cats have been my saving grace so many times, with their unconditional love and sweetness. For me, they're the perfect antidote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crapmagnet Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Thanks for the info. I'll definitely be looking into those things. Though, something Ive become aware of is the fact that going for counseling and such makes me very nervous. The first, and only time, Ive ever talked to anyone other than my immediate family I was just really nervous. I got jittery and what not. I'm not exactly sure why I got so nervous, Im sure its normal. I'm also not exactly sure why I mentioned it. I suppose it just felt natural to. Anyone else ever felt nervous about such things? Hi I have agoraphobia and it was veryhard to start going to psychdoc .At first I had panic attacks, cancelled a few appointments but then Eventually it became a place I was not afraid to go. It's a long road finding the right dx and meds but even though I am not where I want to be I can say I am better than before. Good luck on your journeys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eccentrik_drummer_chik Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I can relate to feeling nervous about reaching out to seek help. For me it feels like extreme exposure of my inner self, and I've been scared of how people will react to or interpret what I'm sharing. It's also I think a pride thing, I tell myself I don't need help, it feels like there's a stigma attached to admitting you may need help and seeking it. But in the end I have to remember that the only reason there ARE people in the field of helping people mentally and emotionally is because people need them from time to time! It's a profession, they are there to help, and they've probably heard it all.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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