I am 1Brokendoll...

[1Brokendoll]

I could probably still have the house, the fancy car, and the perfect boyfriend, just like Barbie Doll has. And, I know she's got her swimming pool, an extensive amount of clothing, and her very own disco and party place to hang out in with all her other plastic friends. So what??? Barbie may think she has it all, but I bet I have something she doesn't have... A personality disorder with matching issues! Yep, I'm sure she's off cooking up party snacks in her little self-equipped kitchen and getting ready to change into something cute to compliment her fake Malibu Tan and perfect plastic smile, while I, on the other hand, am still sitting here on a Saturday afternoon, in my bathrobe, contemplating whether or not it's too early to start in on the tequila that's sitting nearby... I seriously doubt that Barbie has days where she lifts her bendable wrist just to flip someone off as she slams the door shut to the outside world. And I can guarantee that she's never told Ken to "fuck off and leave, " only to turn around and cling to his leg begging for forgiveness because she won't be able to live without him.

Yeah, while Barbie spends quality time with her creators enjoying holidays and family gathering's, I'm too wrapped up sitting here wondering why my parents even bothered having me. I mean, sure, I had a roof over my head and never went hungry, but that's about as far as parenting went in my house. I know I had my parents attention the first 3 years of my life, but once a little brother came along, any dreams I may have had about being Daddy's little girl, flew out the window. Of course, I didn't know that for sure back then, so I continued trying to win my father's love and approval. And, although my mom was always there, if it came down to defending me and rocking the boat, I usually ended up feeling like the anchor was tied around my neck. While I'm sure Barbie's house was filled with love, understanding, and nurturing... Mine was filled with double standards and hypocrites, and was run by some asshole who claimed he was my father and stated many times, that I should only speak when spoken to... I tried to respect that, but how was I to ever learn a thing if the man never spoke to me unless he was yelling at me for something or another? And why on earth would I want to set an example for my younger sibling, when the rules consistently changed, making me the problem child anytime someone needed to take the blame. But, there I was, thinking that one day my father would actually say he loved me and was proud of me... Guess what? I'm 50 years old now, and still have not heard anything even remotely close to that... In fact, for the last 33 years, there hasn't been any type of father-daughter relationship like I imagine there would be if I had been Barbie instead... Better yet, I have to wonder how different my life would have been had I not finally gotten fed up with being the black sheep, and at the age of 17 1/2, stood there with my hand on my hip, telling my father I was moving out and didn't need him? Yep, at that age, when most teenagers were making plans for the future with their parents, and learning how to survive in the real world, I was still trying to figure out which parent to ask anything of because generally, all I heard was, "Go ask your dad," followed by, "go ask your mom..." Left to make my own call, I quickly learned I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. WTF??? I had to get the fuck out of there before he drove me nuts!

Obviously... I didn't get out of there fast enough, or I wouldn't be the 1Brokendoll you're all reading about now...

[rowen]

Yeah, my parents are invalidating as hell, too.

Welcome to the boards! You probably won't feel alone. A lot of broken people around these parts.

[1Brokendoll]

Yeah, my parents are invalidating as hell, too.

Welcome to the boards! You probably won't feel alone. A lot of broken people around these parts.

Thank you, Rowen! Now, where do I find the nipple clamps the rules spoke of?

[Guest Vapourware]

Welcome aboard! That was a good intro. I think you'll fit in well here.

[tamagotchi]

Oh, but Barbie does have some issues for sure -- did you ever see this film, "Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story" in which the characters were played by Barbie dolls? I was lucky enough to see it in the theatre before it was withdrawn from circulation, but I'm sure there is still a way to see it somehow.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstar:_The_Karen_Carpenter_Story

[1Brokendoll]

Welcome aboard! That was a good intro. I think you'll fit in well here.

Thank you, and I hope to be able to learn more about this "gift" I have that is more suitable for the pretend world of Barbie, than trying to pretend it's not happening in mine.

And it probably wouldn't hurt to clear up any misconceptions that anyone might get, thinking that I have these hidden desires to have all those material things that Barbie has in order to be happy... I just want to see about mending the broken parts of me before I end up comparing myself to a doll that just sits and wets herself... Right now, I'm not exactly sure what part of this forum I'll fit into best because I haven't actually been diagnosed with a particular (Or, several) disorders by anyone other than myself, and of course those I've either hurt, offended, or pissed off enough to either ask, "WTF is wrong with you?" Or, worse... chosen to believe or think that I'm some psycho-bitch from Hell... To be quite honest, while I managed to make it out alive at 17 years old, it wasn't until I was 40 that I began looking back at many events and situations in my life, and realized the amount of denial I was in as I tripped through life smiling and thinking I was fine, so that nobody would see the actual pain I was feeling. Much of that denial was in the form of drugs and alcohol, and my only natural defense was my warped sense of humor and smart ass way of thinking when shit got to be more than I wanted to deal with.

You'll still see plenty of that in my posts, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone, or get my ass in trouble, but I truly believe had I not had a sense of humor of some sort, I might have easily given up many years and relationships ago. Instead, I've recently come to terms with the fact that after looking into personality disorders and mental illness info trying to figure out what was wrong with everyone else in my life, I may have stumbled across the fact that it is me who's all F'd up, and whatever happened in my childhood never really ended... I've just gotten tired of letting it get what's left of me or ruining what I may still actually have going for me.

Right now, I'm thinking I'll just wander around and learn while perhaps making new friends that understand where I might be coming from, and where I might be going...

BTW... My message board etiquette is sel- learned, so bare with and correct me if necessary... Okay... It's time for me to STFU and start reading! LOL

[Donut]

Ah Welcome! Hope you enjoy the melting pot of the mentally ill!

[Reluctant Mom]

1Brokendoll - I am rather fond of people who enter a "room" and make it memorable - your opening thread will be memorable for me. I might start stalking you from a distance.

I have my own set of mommy-and-me issues that I am working through (but they are in the process of being switched to my daddy-and-me issues) - my mother was also of the school where "if you have food on the table and a roof over your head, well then you have nothing to complain about."

Listen, I really seldom (please read NEVER) suggest anyone run and read a book for insight into their own stuff, because I seldom find the self-help genre of books very intrguing. They lack the "smoking gun" and the "girl meets boy" which we have become fond off, and generally I find these books crap and written for mass appeal, and seldom do a I find something in them that resonates with my personal brand of bullsh*t.

But .... and please do not flame me ....... I read "Mothering withouth a Map" by Kathryn Black earlier this year and it had a profound effect on me. I won't pollute your thread with all the yada-yada, but it made me see my "not being sufficiently" mothered or "under mothered" from a different light, and maybe allowed me to be a bit less "hard on myself"

I am not ready to wheel out the "forgive and forget welcome mat" quite yet, but it did assist me looking at my "demons" differently.

Anyway, book report over.

Welcome to CB.

[1Brokendoll]

1Brokendoll - I am rather fond of people who enter a "room" and make it memorable - your opening thread will be memorable for me. I might start stalking you from a distance.

I have my own set of mommy-and-me issues that I am working through (but they are in the process of being switched to my daddy-and-me issues) - my mother was also of the school where "if you have food on the table and a roof over your head, well then you have nothing to complain about."

Listen, I really seldom (please read NEVER) suggest anyone run and read a book for insight into their own stuff, because I seldom find the self-help genre of books very intrguing. They lack the "smoking gun" and the "girl meets boy" which we have become fond off, and generally I find these books crap and written for mass appeal, and seldom do a I find something in them that resonates with my personal brand of bullsh*t.

But .... and please do not flame me ....... I read "Mothering withouth a Map" by Kathryn Black earlier this year and it had a profound effect on me. I won't pollute your thread with all the yada-yada, but it made me see my "not being sufficiently" mothered or "under mothered" from a different light, and maybe allowed me to be a bit less "hard on myself"

I am not ready to wheel out the "forgive and forget welcome mat" quite yet, but it did assist me looking at my "demons" differently.

Anyway, book report over.

Welcome to CB.

You know, for a reluctant Mom, you'd make a great replacement for my reluctant father by simply repeating your opening statement to me. I don't recall ever hearing or being made to feel as if I meant something to him, or that he was interested in even knowing me, let alone, even trying to know me. In fact, I think I've read it over and over several times just to get that warm, fuzzy feeling it gave me the first time I read it!

And, no worries over book reports, you little stalker, you... I've got a shelf or two of them ranging from stages I've gone through so far in trying to understand why I tick the way I do... Yeah, there's the "I Don't Understand" books, followed by the, "This Is What It Should Be But It Isn't," stage. And then there's the " Is It Me, Or Him," shelf that brought me to the internet to do some more reading. Let me tell you, it was a lot easier when I was younger and simply telling people that my dad was an asshole. Then I could maintain my Barbie-Like Dream World as I'd continue tripping and falling along the way.

It was just that, years down the road, he was still an asshole, but I was beginning to question why all the tripping and falling. Why all the broken hearts and failed relationships? Why am I like I am? And, in the last 5 or so years, after what I've gathered so far, a new and worrisome behavior has emerged... Anger... Anger thinking about what I could of been had he not been a reluctant father. And even more anger because, at 50 years old, I am quite frankly, everything he said I would amount to being that day I stood there and said I didn't need him,and I could take care of myself.

They say, "With age, comes wisdom," but, I honestly wish now, that all those years where I was putting up the front of not needing him because I could take care of myself, I should have been allowing some of the hurt to surface, to where I might have started the healing and self-mending then, instead of feeling it might be too late now.

Yes, Reluctant Mom, your opening statement about me making a memorable impression on you is all I needed right now to feel that maybe it's not too late to be something to someone, instead of digging my own hole trying to figure out why I can't be that someone to my own father... and I thank you for that! Stalk away my friend!

Here's a little hint to my possible whereabouts here on the board for your stalking pleasure... Family Feuds, Personality Disorders, Addictions and Substance abuse, OCD, ADD, and probably other bendable features that I haven't quite learned about yet. BARBIE HASN'T A FUCKING CLUE!

[Reluctant Mom]

It is funny -- not like ha-ha --- but all the shit and crappy things my father did - I prefer to call him Derek than dad, I always seemed to hold my mother responsible, and blamed her for not protecting me, not caring enough, not mother enough.

I wrote Derek out of my life when I was about 15 after realising it was easier accepting not having a father than trying to deal with him as one, because he was a total fuck up with a capital FUCK. It seemed to be as soon as I had righted myself he would come along and it would all start over again.

My life did get easier - but I am quite good with closing boxes, and cupboard doors.

Nothing like self protection to motivate one to get on with one's shit.

I still hold anger towards my mother than she chose such a shit for a sperm donor, and that she did not take more care with us (focus on me, it's always about me) when all the shit was happening and I needed care and attention, and protection.

Funny how he was the total shit, but I am angry at her!

He died in 1994 - I was relieved!

Oh, my mommy issues.

But I am working through them - I am not angry at my father, he is like a character that has been cut from a series you used to watch, I sort of remember him, but not really - because he was irrelevant for me (but was he, and such in the puzzle?).

I have done EVERYTHING within my power and outside my power to live the life in the EXACT opposite that my parents did, and what would be "expected of my lot in life" - I chose long ago to walk a different path, but often find myself crying in the bathroom because I think I have "become them!"

I know people hate this bleat, but the shit that our parents do to us, does rain on us .... sooner or late, and often when we least expect it.

I do not make attachment to anyone or anything. As I believe nothing is permanent and I cannot depend on anyone.

Very difficult to have a relationship and a semblance of normality when everytime someone reverses out the drive way, you start mentally preparing for how you are going to go it alone for the next forever. But they just went to the shop to buy a loaf of bread!

I get that some of us get away with minor damage and manage to function quite well as adults with very little "shrapnel scars" but some of us "needed more parenting" and bear the scars now.

I don't know your story, I do not know you, but I know how my "strain" my life has been because maybe I did not get enough "recognition" as a child, and I was "force to assume an adult role" because I was about the most adult person in the room. So I can only assume (maybe incorrectly) that we are similiar in some ways.

I must confess I healed more after I got raging angry and started to examine my shit than when I ignored it. But as said, my shit is directed at my mother - and not my father (though he is and was a total shit bag)

I do love people who say "just get over it" - makes me feel strongly like getting a spade out of the wendy-house and hitting them squarely in the forehead with it. Repeatedly.

Don't worry about me, I think you are well worth stalking, I will find you around and lurk a bit.