Who says you can't go home again?

[BustOfPallas]

Hey y'all.

Reached something of a breaking point this week.

I resigned/rejected a good paying full time job offer that also would have been a nice career move because, well I kind of hated it, and my chair was torturing me to death via my nerve damaged taint/gooch/nether region (insert chronic pain reference here).

I dunno. I'm kind of in uncharted territory so you folks may be seeing a lot of me here in the days weeks to come.

I think this site seems full of intelligent people (not as smart as me though) that have reached a level of healthy acceptance of their mental health state whatever it may be.

Lot's of good humor here. Interesting people. I've always thought the worst thing you could be was boring so interesting is good.

Although I think there is some sort of Chinese blessing/back-handed curse about living in "interesting" times...

So I've been dealing with sleep deprivation (due to chronic pain), general anxiousness and a bout with extreme fear a few years back when the company I was working for was losing a long term contract amidst cronyism, lawsuits and witch hunts due to IT security issues with this ancient system we worked on.

I've had some issues since then and about 18 years after finishing a rough time while in engineering school in late teens early 20's I'm back to having so much stress I might need to give another go of the mental health care "machine" again.

Although I have to say that I believe that if you need that "machine" your in trouble because I wasn't that that impressed my first go around and didn't like being subjected to it.

I never felt like one thing I took back then did squat for me and in hindsight it might have made me worse. I worked my way out of it by taking care of my problems i.e. education, job etc. and everything else fell into place.

Anyway please to meet you all and thanks to whoever set this up.

Marvelous job. Just the right tone.

[tryp]

Welcome. The "machine" as you call it has its ups and downs - a lot of it is dependent on finding good professionals who will work with you.

I can see you've already looked around a lot, but make sure you've had a skim of the rules and feel free to get in touch with a staff member if you need help with anything.

[AnneMarie]

Maybe you won't think of it as a machine if you considered finding a psychiatrist, a human being who is fallible, with whom you can respect and a therapist, another human being with strengths and weakness, with whom you have a rapport. There isn't a machine. It's all just people. In this case, people who work for you.

Are you saying you experience thought broadcasting and/or thought insertion? If not, stay away from the tin foil metaphors. There are those here who don't appreciate the put down implied by them.

Edited for spelling.

[olga]

Hi! Welcome to Crazyboards.

I think the medicines and treatments for mental illnesses have come a long way in 18 years, so you might want to try again. I hope you can find an effective psychiatrist and get into treatment.

olga

[BustOfPallas]

Welcome. The "machine" as you call it has its ups and downs - a lot of it is dependent on finding good professionals who will work with you.

I can see you've already looked around a lot, but make sure you've had a skim of the rules and feel free to get in touch with a staff member if you need help with anything.

Ha ha, I thought you were about to make a reference to the Pink Floyd song with lyrics, "Welcome my friend to the machine".

I think I personally had some bad experiences and perhaps a misdiagnosis. I think the more clear headed me can recognize that some of the folks that treated me maybe had a better handle on what was up with me than I would care to admit but maybe the science just wasn't there yet. I don't think Bipolar 2 was was a common diagnosis in the mid 80's. The medications have come a long way for them i think. I think I may be be on the slight end of the bipolar spectrum, perhaps BPII but am not sure because I have this sleep/pain thing going on that I think would drive just about anyone over the edge. I think there is a reason sleep deprivation is one of the tortures they use on "enemy combatants".

I'm old enough now to make my own choices and look around and I've done that.

Thanks for the welcome. I guess my trust issues are apparent and I think that's something I need to work on.

[BustOfPallas]

Maybe you won't think of it as a machine if you considered finding a psychiatrist, a human being who is fallible, with whom you can respect and a therapist, another human being with strengths and weakness, with whom you have a rapport. There isn't a machine. It's all just people. In this case, people who work for you.

Are you saying you experience thought broadcasting and/or thought insertion? If not, stay away from the tin foil metaphors. There are those here who don't appreciate the put down implied by them.

Edited for spelling.

No offense intended on that metaphor. I've seen some remarkable levity from folks here with difficult DX's and maybe got a bit cavalier. My apologies if anyone assumed I was casting aspersions. I'm fortunate to not have had that experience with thought broadcasting or insertion I've known the terror of feeling you're not in control of your own thoughts from a brief bad experience/reaction with Zoloft (more racing) and when I was in the thick of the paranoid time I referred to I didn't have those thoughts but did have some other really scary feelings that my boss might have invited some scrutiny at a law enforcement level. In these times we live in with warrentless wiretaps and considering what I did for a living at the time I don't think it could be considered psychotic but maybe could have been construed to as having those "features". Really scary times when I feel like I saw into some things about the human mind I wish I never had. Geez I hate to get so dark but I feel like you called me out and I want to declare my fitness to be glib on issues of mental health.

I think your description of mental health care workers as being human and fallible can be seen in a negative light too. When you're feeling fragile the frailties and failings of those folks look gigantic through that skewed prism you see the world through. I think it must be truly hard if not impossible to totally empathize with people suffering with mental health problems as a profession. If they truly could they would not be able to do it long because it would suck the life out of them. You can see a little bit of a shell or a "phoning it in" attitude in some of these folks and you know what who can blame them. It's a lot of pain to deal with day in day out. You'd have to be f**king superman to do it well every day of your life.

One of the things I like about this site is it seems to me like it is driven by patients for patients and as long as your not pulling a Tom Cruise and telling everyone to stop their meds or being a belligerent a$$ it's all good. If people suffering from mental health issues cant' joke amongst themselves who can they joke with? Right?

[Indigo 'n dye]

I resigned/rejected a good paying full time job offer that also would have been a nice career move because, well I kind of hated it, and my chair was torturing me to death via my nerve damaged taint/gooch/nether region (insert chronic pain reference here).

Hmm, I read your other post re: chronic pain and wonder if you have had physical therapy, sought out an ergonomic chair, had a neurological evaluation, and are being treated at a "pain clinic".

Physical therapy can teach ways to strengthen pelvic muscles, correct posture imperfections, and teach ways to sit and arise from chairs to limit discomfort and prevent further muscular/nerve pain, damage, and impingement.

Of course, quitting your job might be a satisfactory temporary solution to a long-term condition.

I agree with Stacia, mental health care is not a machine unless you see yourself as merely a cog.

so, welcome to the machine...

[BustOfPallas]

I resigned/rejected a good paying full time job offer that also would have been a nice career move because, well I kind of hated it, and my chair was torturing me to death via my nerve damaged taint/gooch/nether region (insert chronic pain reference here).

Hmm, I read your other post re: chronic pain and wonder if you have had physical therapy, sought out an ergonomic chair, had a neurological evaluation, and are being treated at a "pain clinic".

Physical therapy can teach ways to strengthen pelvic muscles, correct posture imperfections, and teach ways to sit and arise from chairs to limit discomfort and prevent further muscular/nerve pain, damage, and impingement.

Of course, quitting your job might be a satisfactory temporary solution to a long-term condition.

I agree with Stacia, mental health care is not a machine unless you see yourself as merely a cog.

so, welcome to the machine...

Thanks for the advice and obliging me on that quote!.

I just saw a neurologist this past Thursday. He just said take more Neurontin and try a "Walking Desk". I liked him a lot though he was thoughtful and I had an immediate connection with him. I've tried a kneeling chair but it actually was just as bad. I have personally invented several versions of a slotted/cutout cushion. I made the cushions myself out of parts purchased from home depot and they seemed to help a bit. Maybe some memory foam would help with that, perhaps they were too hard. I finally went to standing full time two weeks ago to prove my theory that sitting is hurting me. It proved my point as the pain was greatly reduced but as a programmer it's hard to concentrate when you're standing shifting your weight and you knees start to hurt. I was locking my knees and that was causing them to go numb. I bought a drafting stool to hang my rear over a little but even a little of that caused issues. I then spent 200 bucks on a sit stand chair as well and it was kind of the same. A little pressure in the wrong place from that chair caused me the issues too. I still think I'm going to invest in an adjustable standing desk. I have never tried a pain clinic but would love to go to physical therapy as I think my issue may be do to some sort of pelvic floor dysfunction. I've heard you can get some myofacial trigger point type massage for your pelvic floor muscles via your, ahem, rectum. I'm pretty much beyond the pride thing or shame when it comes to this now. It doesn't make for great dinner conversation either but you gotta do what you gotta do. I would be open to any other sort of stretching or relaxation techniques too but am not sure where to turn for that. If you had specifics that could help me that would be most appreciated. My main thing with Neurontin is with the night time painful spasms that happen when go into rem sleep and the "male thing" that happens when you go into REM sleep. The Neurontin lessens the pain of that too but it's that thing that happens at night after sleeping that I think aggravates the issue. I don't want to just numb that up while the nerves and tissue continue to get traumatized. I want the trauma to stop happening and for some sort of resolution to occur. Does that make sense? I want the root cause cured not the symptoms. It's happens when that "male thing" happens to me at night. It's like it goes overboard and I have to wake up fully to make it go away. I know, wierd huh? Kind of embarrassing to talk about. Again that's what makes this so difficult to talk and commiserate with other people about which adds to my sense of alienation. "Hey man why aren't you working?" "That's because I get the wood from hell so intensely every night and my taint and junk are on fire and throbbing with pain unless I wake fully up and wait for it to go away. then it happens 1 hour later..." Even the Johns Hopkins guy was like "I've never heard of that before". The word for it according to my research is SRPE, sleep related painful erections. Again a strange unique problem that makes me feel like a freak. Again, this part of it, that seems to be perpetuating the trauma goes away when I don't sit. So can you see why I would quit a job to avoid sitting so I don't have to deal with that?

Yes I do have some anxiety problems, especially on days when I'm not sleeping and have the pelvic pain bad and I also seem to have social anxiety on occasion despite the fact that I like to be around people when I'm not in one of my self conscious phases. If I'm not the best or constantly producing at work I get anxious worrying that I may get sacked even though I think I'm well liked as evidenced by the full time offer.

When I take like .5 mgs of Xanax during the day I can actually focus and function much better. It seems to put out a lot of the back ground noise in my mind and it even seems to help w/the pain. I know it's supposedly not good long term but I'll be danged if it doesn't really help a lot.

I just bought two zero gravity chairs and plan on making some sort of work station with adjustable monitors and a keyboard tray so my weight is shifted back off my perennial (taint) region.

Quitting was probably not smart but the pain cycle and work stress were really driving my mood up an down badly. Well more normal/down than up and down. My quality of life as far as physical comfort was to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died anymore. I made the decision last week I wanted to live and that I needed to get over the obsession with work and try to get physically and mentally healthy.

Again thanks for the advice. I'm here becauseI think it might help and this site seems like it may be the best I've ever seen for this sort of thing if this is even what I need.