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tamagotchi

Things that keep you from killing yourself

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1) I don't like the idea of anyone going through my private stuff and looking at it. I have so much private stuff it would take a long time to get rid of it all. (I frequently make attempts to go through it and throw out most of it, but I am very bad at decluttering and never make much headway.)

2) My kids, I don't want to fuck them up any more than they already are.

Tell me some of yours? I need more reasons.

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1) I had a boyfriend who committed suicide, and I remember vividly how awful it was for his mother, his friends and his brothers.

2) I couldn't do it to my husband and my dog.

3) If I failed in the attempt, I could make myself into a vegetable and be a burden to my family for 30 years.

olga

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Guest Vapourware

My beloved soulmate,

I guess some of my reasons include...

+ Family and friends;

+ Knowing that bad episodes will pass. There are ups and downs that come with a mood disorder like BP and you're not always going to be down in the trenches. I remember feeling suicidal this time last year but I don't have those feelings now;

+ Wanting to watch Jethro Tull at least once in my life. If I'm dead then that's not going to happen;

+ Wanting to travel more - there's still lots of the world I haven't seen.

I hope you feel better soon.

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Because I'm one year away from graduating college.

Because the cats would never understand.

Because I still haven't bought my little house just off of the beach.

Because I still have something to offer the world.

Because the alternative might not be any better.

Because there are still so many stupid jokes left to make.

Because I haven't used "omnifutant" in a sentence yet.

Because I might find something that I like about myself.

Because I want a puppy and you can't have a puppy when you are dead.

Because I haven't lived "fast".

Because of the butterflies.

Because of the next full moon.

Because of mani-pedis.

Because I haven't finished my book.

Because I might find peace in my lifetime.

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I don't want anybody seeing exactly how much credit card debt I have.

My parents would never forgive me.

My dog would never forgive me.

I'm afraid of failure.

Things aren't *that* bad.

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Other than not wanting to hurt those who love me, my biggest fear is my belief in karma and reincarnation, and that suicide breaks some sort of universal law and that I'd have to come back and live a life way worse than this....

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My family. Even though I think I often think I suck and that they'd be better off without me, maybe they don't feel the same way. It would kill my dad. My daughter would grow up without a mother, SO doesn't want me doing it in the house and I don't know where else I'd do it. Okay, that last one was stupid, but it's true.

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- The thought of someone else caring for my cat is insupportable. She isn't special to others in the way she's special to me. And I don't care if that is a stupid reason.

- Music.

- Writing.

- Habit. Sometimes I get up and go through the day just because I get up and go through the day.

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More than anything, I couldn't do it to Tallulah. She's my light and my saving grace, and so help me god if the world ends in 2012, I am not going anywhere without my dog.

- My mother. She's my best friend and the only person I can call up and cry to without feeling hopeless and pathetic. She can be a bit naive sometimes, but I don't make it easy for her either.

- My brothers and sisters. My sisters are 20 and 6, and my brothers are 14, 13, and 2. My 20 year old sister could probably move on alright, but I don't want anyone explaining to 6 and 2 that

their big sister was a sad, selfish person who didn't think about the people who love her and who would miss her if she were gone.

- My grandmas. They're sweet old ladies and they love me; they don't directly say this, but there's an unspoken understanding there that I'm the favorite grandchild. (I can't help it if I'm a nice,

thoughtful, courteous person).

- My dreams. I have too many hopes and dreams for myself and they're pretty mountainous, but I will never cease trying to prove to all the assholes in high school that I was a person worth

knowing. I'm not seeking vengeance, I just want them to realize that they were wrong and feel some remorse for everything they said or did.

- School. I love and hate it, sometimes at the same time, but god help me if I did not have that routine to rely on every day, I'd snap completely.

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My dogs. They'd go back into Sibe rescue, which is better than risking being stuck in a kill shelter, but still isn't so great. It would probably be impossible to find even a foster home, let alone a forever home, that would take them both. Realistically, being middle aged type dogs, they'd be hard to find homes for individually as well. So they might well live out the rest of their lives in rescue, which isn't ideal. They'd be well taken care of, but they wouldn't have a person of their own. And I think that would suck for them.

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I can't imagine my husband going through the rest of his life without his soulmate (I know it sounds corny, but I know him well enough to know he'd never remarry).

If I get a divorce and I don't see my kids that often, that's one thing. But to leave them forever and ever would be horrible and irreversible to their psyche. Besides that, I want to be a good mother, not one who gave up on them and left them alone forever.

The mere fact that when I have my good times or even good days, they are really good. Worth being alive for. I'm not a big believer in the hereafter, so I can't speak on how your views of that could factor into your decisions.

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My psycho-ex's father committed suicide when P.E. was 7, and he found the body. It was like a bomb went off in the family. The unit fell apart, the kids were traumatized, and the kids all went on to raise their own damaged kids. Now those grandkids are raising their own kids. It has an effect for generations.

Also the one about ending up being a vegetable. I would say Violet, but I know DH would take really good care of her. I can't imagine what it would be like for DH, it is good I don't think about it these days.

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+ I will not abandon my children on this wretched planet.

+ When the killing thoughts come, I remind myself that I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop.

+ None of us is here by accident, and I don't think I've done what I'm supposed to do yet.

+ I do believe in the Hereafter, and I believe that my soul would be trapped in a grey limbo, shut off from God.

+ I can't see my own future - better to stick around and trust to hope rather than be disappointed that I missed the joy that was waiting just around the corner.

+ I would miss the next season of Doctor Who.

+ Rice pudding. Mmmm.

[Edited for spelling]

Edited by Cerberus

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I totally agree with the private stuff thing. Whoever would sort through my room and computer would find out about my nasty fetishes. I also have thought about doing a giant purge in preparation but then if I change my mind about killing myself, I've binned a lot of my stuff that I want :s

It would kill my mother, becuase she'd blame herself, as she already does. My other family would be devastated, it would probably tip Seven over into depression.

I'm all signed for a flat next year, and it would leave my housemates in the lurch if I didn't pay my rent.

I think about how I would feel if my SoulSister was taken away, and know that I couldn't make her feel like that.

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When I'm really down what stops me is my survival instinct. That and the fear of the repurcussions of a failed attempt.

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My kids. What if it failed. My husband. I'd be afraid my husband would rehome my animals. People would see my clutter. That's a dumb reason, lol. Oh, and I hate giving up.

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Mr A said the most profround thing to me once: "You thinki I'd get over it? Fine. And how do think I would feel about MYSELF having married a prson who would do THAT to the people around her."

It worked.

Ana

ETA: spelling

Edited by Anna

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