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I apologize if my eccentricities have offended anyone. Honestly at first I felt you guys were ganging up against me for not being a pill advocate so I didn't reply and considered not coming back, but I can see where you all are coming from nonetheless so here I am.

Gearhead, you're right, I've got to find some help, if for no other reason than I can't keep living like a shut in. I sat for most of the day staring at my cell phone pondering the possible benefits and detriments, and I didnt really make any progress. Chances are it being sunday I wouldn't have been able to get in touch with anyone anyways. I have class in a few hours, I may or may not go, but at 8 AM I plan to start the search for a doctor or therapist. Thanks for the advice of printing out my original post for my doctor to read, I find it very difficult to talk about, and even more difficult to talk about it clearly and concisely in person. Though I'm a bit worried they will accuse me of printing out a post I didn't make, I can't think of an alternative other than writing up a book to thrust in the lap of my future would-be therapist. Actually I can't think very much at all right now because I haven't slept. I tried to, but when I laid down I felt a bug crawling on my arm, it was there, I crushed it and I can still see the corpse sitting in a napkin by my bed, but I couldn't sleep after that kept thinking there were bugs. Washed my sheets even, but that didn't help.

As for already talking to my parents, they really didn't get it. And I skipped over some of the nastier bits like thinking my Dad was trying to poison me, because they aren't the most stable people either and I don't want to hurt them. I think on some level they blame themselves for whatever hardships I'm going through and I don't want them to do that.

Anyways thanks, all of you.

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Please keep posting-I for one want to know how it goes for you and this is, after all, a place to find support.

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You don't sound eccentric at all. I'm very sorry that I posted in such a way to make you feel ganged up on. That was insensitive of me. I was just afraid someone might be hurt by your post. Yes, please keep posting. Everyone needs support.

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Thanks guys/gals/peoples.

And its fine Dusk, wasn't just you and wasn't even just this thread. I'm completely ok with people not agreeing with me, in fact I'm used to it. You all obviously didn't intend to kick/scare me off the boards else one of the friendly moderators would have simply banned me. It wasn't much more than a fleeting thought really, probably shouldn't have mentioned it.

Anyways I finally did fall asleep around 11 am, managed to get up for class around 1pm. Got home from class and still haven't actually made "the call" yet, mainly because by the time I got home, realized I hadn't eaten anything all day so forced some granola down, and called my parents again (they are coming in town soon) it was 7pm. I just don't know, I thought I made up my mind yesterday but I keep flipping back and forth. My parents dont seem to think anything is wrong with me other than stress and maybe a little depression (despite the fact I kept insisting I'm not particularly sad or anything along those lines), but the evidence is there nonetheless that I least need to talk to someone. My mom on the phone even reminded me to drink water today, at first I was offended until I realized I had indeed not drank anything since at least sometime yesterday/last night.

Just don't want to give up control of my life or lose my freedom. The point made about me not being free now by locking myself in my room and rarely leaving, is a good one, and probably the most convincing argument I've gotten from an outside source that I should call a doctor and schedule a visit. However, I know my ability to take care of myself isn't always the best, and because of that I'm at risk of being forced. I don't want to be under anyone elses care or supervision. I'd rather die early and alone, than live under the finger of another person telling me how when and what I should be doing. Sounds incredibly melodramatic I'm sure :violin:But I can't escape the fear that people will end up doing more harm than good even if their intent is to do things "In my own best interest". This cant be another delusion, or is it, or am I just being paranoid and not so much delusional, or am I seeing a very likely scenario....

Ugh...

Im going to call... I have to... I know it... you know it... we all know it. I just have to force myself to.

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What your parents think really doesn't matter. You're an adult, you don't live with them. They only know what you tell them, and you've acknowledged that you aren't giving them the whole picture. Even with all the info., parents can be reluctant to believe their offspring have serious crazy going on.

Whether it's delusional or garden variety paranoid, your concerns about losing your freedom, or being forced to do anything you don't want to is just not reality. I've been seeing pdocs and tdocs for about 20 years now, and not one of them has tried to coerce me into any treatment I didn't want to do. Of all the people who post on CB, the vast majority of whom are working with tdocs or pdocs, I can't think of a single story of anyone being forced into unwanted treatment.

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You can do it, Heffington. You can make the call. You can. You know what's going on with you better than your parents ever will.

Please try to bear in mind that the goal of tdocs and pdocs is to help you live a full and happy life, not to sweep you under the rug by putting you away somewhere. I've been getting treatment for my various manias, depressions, mixed moods, and other transient bad ideas for 11 years, and in that time I've only had one doctor be obnoxious and overbearing, and even she wasn't trying to take over my life. Our personalities just didn't click and I hated seeing her, so I found a different pdoc-at the same clinic, even. It was not a big deal.

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Well I finally contacted a therapist through email after doing some research and finding one I thought I could be comfortable with.

The positives:

-Though I'm not great at making my own jokes, I do like to laugh, and she has a sense of humor but not so much so I can't take her seriously or that I'm not being taken seriously.

-She specializes in art therapy and after doing some preliminary research into different methodologies I think that's a really good route for me to take. As I'm an artist, and have a hard time expressing myself verbally in person.

-Her office is very close my house, and is on the way to school, so its not out the way and easily accessible.

-After contacting her she left a very long voicemail, and seemed to genuinely care, gave me her private email and offered help counsel me through emails even if not in an official manner since I'm living on student loans and nearly out of that money currently (I have about 50 bucks to live on for the next few weeks until my next check comes in, needless to say money is tight)

The negatives:

-She said she would ONLY see/schedule me if I saw a pdoc first. Her reasoning was that the "severity" of my symptons described are simply beyond what she alone can help with, and that I'm going to need medication whether I like it or not if I want to make any progress. She did, however, admit that often pdocs are too quick to throw you a bunch of pills, but assured me they couldn't force me to take anything I didn't want to, and that I should be able to negotiate with the doctor about my would-be medications.

-When she called me back she blocked her number, which makes me a little worried. I'm sure its just a safety measure on her part so people don't repeatedly call her, though I would think she would just call from her office which has its number publicly listed anyways. I just found it kind of weird.

-She said in her voicemail that she is going to be out of the office for the next few days until Thursday so won't be able to respond/read any emails until then. This also seemed kind of weird to me, but it could be a coincidence that she had planned a vacation already and I just happened to catch her at a bad time. However its a little strange to me that she would take a vacation in the middle of the week and be back before Friday, if you're on vacation why not stay the whole weekend?

After I heard the voicemail I logged into chat and discussed some initial thoughts with those that were there (thanks sandorfalot, winterosie, and zoesfrog), but I'd like some more input if possible. And thanks vapour for taking a second look at her site for me.

Is it a common practice to request patients see a pdoc before visiting a therapist? One of the people in chat said therapists are to help you cope but not to diagnose and that's probably where she is coming from, but I'm wondering if I should keep looking for a therapist that won't make me see a pdoc, or if I should just force myself to go see a pdoc because just about any reputable therapist will want me to see a pdoc first for a diagnosis if nothing else?

Edited by heffington

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I think you need to force yourself to see a pdoc. What you're currently doing is kind of like saying you want to go straight to the physical therapy after an injury without knowing if you have a sprain, a break, or a detached tendon, and without getting treated for same. Please try to keep in mind that medications exist to make your life easier. They are for your benefit, not anyone else's. When you find the right one/s for you, you will feel better. I saw a pdoc for months before I ever saw a tdoc.

As to why your new therapist called from a blocked number, maybe she was calling from her cell and not her office. Maybe she has a conference to go to for a couple of days, or maybe her babysitter canceled on her. Who knows? There are a thousand perfectly innocent reasons for her behavior. Don't talk yourself out of what could be a good thing before you even try it. And since your initial reaction was to like this woman, see if she has any pdocs she often refers patients to, or that she knows and respects.

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I understand that you are afraid to take medications that alter your brain chemistry. I was, too, but I regret not being medicated sooner. Medications have taken me from being totally dysfunctional to being able to hold down a full time job and enjoy life.

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I just want to say I have experienced the same thing with parents that don't understand and being nervous and skittish of going to see a therapist or doctor about it. So I know how hard it is to schedule that appointment and how easy it is to put it off and try to get along without it. I have BP II and it took me a long time and a lot of persuasion to see a psychiatrist. And I was downright scared; I was worried I'd have to take lots of medicine or be forced into treatment or therapy or something. But once I got there, I saw that it's not like that at all. You, as an adult, are the one in control--my doctor literally just listens to my issues, asks questions to clarify, and suggests things that would help. And sometimes she suggests starting new medications if my symptoms change, but I can say no--and I usually do. She knows I'm wary of medication so we always agree on a very low dosage and take things very conservatively until I'm comfortable with it, and so far it has been pretty promising. The next big step is trying to summon the courage to start therapy--and a huge part of that is telling my parents, whom I still live with....anyways, we are in similar boats. I just wanted to tell you that it is not nearly as bad as it seems before you try it, especially if your pdoc is nice or likeable. And if they aren't, you can request a different one no judgment :)

Also, coming from a family of doctors I can tell you don't worry--they all block their numbers. Oftentimes they use their personal cell phone for work and they don't want to give the number out to patients or coworkers. So that's totally normal.... Best of luck to you.

Edited by Lane

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Guest Vapourware

What the therapist said to you about seeing a pdoc doesn't surprise me, really. With some people, a therapist is all they need. Apparently she felt you needed more support and was ready to be honest and upfront with you in the first instance, which I actually think is a good sign. It does sound like she wants you to be better, which is why she is suggesting more services.

If you go voluntarily to a doctor, you can choose whether or not to accept their treatment plan. They may, or may not recommend medication in the first instance, and even if they do, they can't make you take it. The only time that you would be forced into treatment is if you are under an involuntary treatment plan, and that only happens when the wheels have completely and utterly fallen off. Not just fallen off, but smashed to bits as well.

At least for here, it's not uncommon for therapists and doctors to call people through blocked numbers. You're right, the main intention is to prevent people from calling directly to the therapist/doctor's office. So, usually they will have one main number for the main reception, and part of the receptionist's duties is to screen calls and pass on messages. Otherwise it would be quite disruptive in sessions if the professional's phone kept going off.

I don't know about the reasons behind her holiday, but it could be that it was the only convenient days for her to take a break. Sometimes it happens.

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