Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org
Sign in to follow this  
Felsh

But what if I don't want to stop?

Recommended Posts

Ive been self harming for years, and along with it an addiction. Personally I cut for identity- having pain that I cannot explain or understand doesn't fly with my logic, but one look at the wounds, at the scars, it gave the pain a name, a face, and therefore gave me a pathetic sense of control. I know that cutting is 'bad', for your health, sure. But what if... I don't really want to stop? Am I the only one who feels this way? I know all the risks, I've paid all the prices, and I have all the tools to stop. But I don't want to. Tell me your opinions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well.. In my opinion, it seems like you don't see this as a problem. If it were causing you distress and you viewed it as a problem, I think you'd want to stop. The thing is, no one is going to make you stop cutting yourself. It's the same for everything, if you don't want to stop and you don't want the help, there isn't anything anyone else can do anyway. You seem like you understand the risks and are okay with them. So my opinion is, if you don't want to stop then don't stop. No one can help you if you don't want the help.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Vapourware

I've been at that point before, in that at the peak of my self-harming period, there was a part of me that didn't want to stop. I enjoyed the release I got from SI, so I didn't see the need to stop. What made me stop was that I realised that while it did give me relief, the relief was short-lived and I wasn't actually addressing the core issue of why I was self-harming in the first place. Once I realised that I had to work on finding long-term relief, then I was able to stop.

I guess the question for you is - why is your identity bound to your self-harm? Are there more constructive and less destructive ways of expressing yourself?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What you are saying makes good sense.

I've not looked at it as my identity being bound to my self harm. It was to give those emotions that I couldn't fully understand a physical representation that I could. But maybe it's myself that I can't connect with.

There's always a better way of handling it, but nothing is like SI. You keep coming back.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Vapourware

Yes, SI can be alluring. I have to say that I've lapsed a few times over the years.

Perhaps you are right, in that you may need to learn how to connect with yourself and find ways of identifying and express your emotions without having to self-harm. I find that with any sort of physical representation, as long as you put as much of yourself into the process as possible, then it is authentic. Plus, it does feel nice when, say, I've written a song to express my emotions that brings joy to others. Perhaps that is something for you to consider.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The first couple times I had long stretches without SI, it wasn't really for me. It was for my girlfriend, because she would get so upset about my SI and I could tell it really bothered her. I personally didn't really want to stop. I liked having my pain on the outside and most of all, I liked not having to feel anything.

But as I got deeper into therapy, and I did more thinking about emotions and what they are for, and where mine come from, I wanted to learn other ways to cope without SI, because it felt like SI was short circuiting my emotions for me rather than helping me connect with them, so coping in ways other than SI has actually helped me feel closer to myself and has helped me start to build my identity.

SI can be very alluring, and that makes it hard to stop. Have you tried out other coping mechanisms to see how they feel, or do you just know of them? Because sometimes I try to cope in other ways, but I tell myself that if it doesn't work, I can still SI afterwards. I also like drawing, because it means that I still have something external to represent my feelings after I'm finished. Coping mechanisms aren't all the same, and it can take some work to find the best ones for you. We have a couple of big lists pinned at the top of this sub-forum, and I find that some of them are just bleh for me, and others are really useful. I especially like the list that is sorted by emotions that are causing you to self-harm - it really helps me find targeted coping skills.

Edited by tryp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would like to find some other way to deal with problems, but until I do I don't want to stop, because then I'll be left with nothing to make me feel better and it will be much worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I only recently started with SI and can already understand the allure. I've not been able to intellectually identify the emotions just yet that lead to my SI but I recognize that it does stem from poor coping skills on my part. I'm working on reasons to not do it, but it is hard. It's coming along though, I guess. I hope everyone will someday want to stop and have the strength to do so. Until then, be safe with the SI (as I will try to be).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do agree that if you're not invested in stopping, for some reason doesn't have to be just for yourself or whatever though that's how I did it 'back then,' then nobody will be able to make you stop.

If you don't want to stop, you don't stop.

Not trying to be judgmental here because I have my own slip-ups, some bigger than others, and been struggling with a lot of... SH ideation or whatever lately so. I, personally, don't stop when I don't want to, any sort of addiction. Though I've found that I can want to stop yet find major barriers to actually succeeding, by that point it's worth struggling through them though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know this post is old but I still wanted to reply for others reading - - I agree with some of the other comments if you really don't want to stop... then that right there is your answer. And obviously self harming isn't exactly healthy... but is it wrong? I don't think so at all. Self harming may not be an ideal way to treat yourself but it comes as a result of negative emotions prior - it's a reaction. It depends on the cutter's perspective and perception of themselves and what their self harming does and is for them. For example if you self harm because you hate yourself and think you deserve this or that you are pathetic then that can arise some serious issues. If you self harm to cope with stress - - then that to me is much, much different. It is up to you to gage how harming this truly is for yourself. Why are you really doing this?

For me I love myself and I still want to cut every day. I love my body and who I am and MOST especially I love my mind - - but yet I still want to cut. Honestly I never want to stop - - although I have not cut in like three months but that is because I'm a sex worker and I can't be having any more scars for my job (go ahead and think that sex work is something only fucked up people do - - I love my work). For me it is all about my love for pain. It helps my anxiety disorder like nothing else does. It's my ultimate relaxing fix to all my mental disorders. In the mean time until I have a period of few months where I know no one will see my fresh cuts I get tattoos and hit myself to fulfill the need for pain and self harm. I'm also into BDSM and am a masochist so I get pleasure from my pain - when I was getting my neck tattoo it felt so amazing. I was sad when it was over - - so for me I look at cutting as a healthy way to fulfill my need for pain. I also looovveeeee having my scars once they are healed and lightened. To each their own! So I don't believe there is anything inherently wrong with self harming (I mean look at people who do scarification - it has it's similarities) and I don't think that there is anything wrong with you for not wanting to stop. You have to be honest with yourself about the reasons why you do this and how it makes you feel after - - for me I feel so much better after - it's only others who make me feel anything negative about it - never me. But if you self harm and feel worse after... then that is alarming and maybe a reason to slow down or have fewer cutting sessions or even find alternative ways to self harm. If this helps you with any kind of anxiety, pain, confusion, depression or feeling then don't convince yourself you need to stop - it can help in some instances. Stopping self harm won't stop your other emotions - - sometimes it can be the only way you feel you can deal with whats in your head and that is ok. This isn't something one should do forever or very frequently and it is something that's going to have to be dealt with and overcome one day - - but for now if this is helping you with where you are in life then I don't see a problem with it. Know yourself and what you need. Don't let others in your life shame you for what you need and want to feel. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While there are similarities between body modification (scarification, tattooing, piercing, etc), the purposes are quite different. Decoration and rite of passage are not the same as a habitual method to manage emotions,

The likely reason that you feel good after self harming is that your body is responding to pain with it's own endogenous opiates (internally generated painkillers, similar to "runner's high").

I think it's safe to say that self harm does have ways that it functions as a harm reduction strategy to keep people from wanting to be dead, for example. And there are also ways that self harm becomes more and more unhealthy for most people over time.

You may be the exception to all these things, AngelNova. However, the way that you describe self harm as being "the answer" to all your mental health concerns is a bit worrisome. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion in your suffering. Not pain.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember last time I was in hospital and I was chatting with one of the nurses, he told me that he used to work at this private forensic psych ward where there was this woman who she had very complex mental health needs and on her care plan it was set up that they would give her a sterile [sharp object] to make a small incision on her arm while supervised and then treat it appropriately. It was all based on trust.

He told me that she needed to do that or her mental well-being will deteriorate even further. Where I'm getting with this is as long as you treat the wound and it's superficial then the only damage is visual and if you don't care about it then it's up to you decide if you want to stop. I would advise you that self-harming is not the best way to treat your problems but it's up to you to decide. What makes us humans is the ability to make choices and the choice to stop is only up to you, no one else. 

I have slight my wrists with the intent to die before while I was having an episode, sometimes during it I used to get really drunk while depressed and cut (still with the intent to die but I failed many times 'cause I was paralytic) . I've came very close to dying when I tried sober but I was mostly lucky because I had lots of people around me at the time and I ended up in psych and not at the morgue. 

After the right treatment, I realized that suicide is not the answer to my problems but I still have to carry those big ugly scars with me, the many days that I had to stay at the general hospital. I hope you realize that cutting is just running away from your problems and if you don't talk to a professional you might not be as lucky and in time those cuts might get bigger and your intent might change to something worse. 

Every addiction gets worse, trust me I know, my dad died because of a heroin addiction. 

Edited by The Right Honourable Jimmy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think there's a BIG HUGE difference between using self harm as a harm reduction strategy under the supervision of one's care team vs going it alone.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...