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Alienated and Alone


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If this would be better on a different forum, please feel free to move. I apologize in advance if it should go elsewhere.

I've been feeling alienated and disconnected from my co-workers. People don't seem as friendly to me as they used to be (and I'm nice to everyone 99.9% of the time). I feel displeased with my performance and my lack of prospects for ever doing anything better than my current position because I've pretty much always lacked any ambition whatsoever. I see the girl who does similar things as I do here at work getting more and more projects....more responsibilities. She's not someone I trust at all and think she'd undermine anyone if it meant more glory for her. But we get along well enough. My job description is very limited compared to hers and we started off the same. Maybe if I started wearing tight-fitting clothing and flirting with everyone (minus about 80 of my lbs of course) people would give a shit about me.

Edit: when people walk by the desks, they don't say hi or goodbye to me. Only her. My boss doesn't really talk to me outside of business discussions and only 1.5 people here seem to have any inclination to have conversations with me, though the 1 in the 1.5 hasn't been as social with me either the past couple months. I say good morning and good night to co-workers 75% of the time, which is perfectly reasonable. Why does no one ever tell me goodnight? I don't know why I'm not worthy of any consideration from anyone.

How do I tell if this is real or in my head? Is there any way? I usually have a fairly decent grasp on if something's just me being kinda crazy, but I have no idea in this instance. I think it's very real and it's contributing to the depersonalization I've been dealing with lately and not the other way around.

I feel alone enough as it is. I don't need this. It's making me very anxious that I'm going to lose my job or something.

I normally struggle with social stuff (it's been suggested that I'm on the autistic spectrum, but it's not a pressing enough issue to see a neurologist since the MI issues are a much, much bigger problem.) but this is my job. My livelihood. My connection to the rest of humanity. I can't keep screwing up jobs because I have no idea how I'm supposed to act and just try to copy others. And invariably end up saying something stupid.

I hate this.

I just wish I could function above this. :'(

And it's driving me crazy that I can't tell if it's in my head or if it's real.

People probably think I'm an uptight bitch because I'm not super-social. I doom myself every time.

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Not knowing you in person, I have no idea if it's a vibe you give off or if your coworkers are just assholes.

Do you have a therapist? Sometimes they can give you good feedback if you present a little "off" socially.

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I had a working enviornment like yours once. Turns out they just didn't like me. I didn't put tons of makeup on, wear fancy clothes, style my hair for an hour. I wasn't on the same playing field as they were in their lives. Had nothing to do with my bipolar... but it got worse when they found out I had an MI.

As for responsibility, I found marching into my boss' (or even my boss' boss') office and telling them I wanted more responsibilities often did the trick.

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I can't say because I don't know you in person, but I will say this... my husband feels the same way sometimes and he thinks it's because the other person is being snobbish, etc. but what he doesn't realize is that because he feels uncomfortable socially he is putting out that vibe and people are less likely to talk to someone that looks like they want to be left alone. Does that make sense? (And you sound really depressed :( ) Keep an eye on that.

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I'd agree with the therapy suggestion, if you aren't already. also, basic social skills training, if you haven't already. find someone who can do that.

this said, when i am depressed I screen out positive information and focus on negatives, so it may be better than you thiink. I ALSO give off the 'don't talk to me vibe" so people (at my job, they're nice) tend to get worried, though i'm good at hiding it from my actual clients. eh.]

But there's also just the possibility that yr co workers are assholes. This is not to be discounted, eithet r.

I hope things get better for you.

Anna

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