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Change begets change?


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So I finally talked to my pdoc today. Not his fault, I've been avoiding his calls, because of the telling him I wanted to get off drugs, not the telling him I was having suicidal idealizations because, you know, I didn't tell him about that until I talked to him today, because I'm not thinking clearly. Well except for the dying thing. Oh, I've got a plan. I won't say it here because it is a good plan and a highly effective plan if the data I've researched is correct. I've got a date, too, but we don't have to worry about it because it isn't until the fifth of next month. More than enough time to find homes for the cats. Even the hoary bitch who hates every living thing except me.

But I may be wandering. I talked to my pdoc today. I told him everything that was going on. At least I think I did. I didn't tell him that i had a date, because I didn't decide on the date until after I talked to him, but I did tell him I've been lurking on ASH and had come up with an efficient plan. He didn't say anything about hospitalization so I guess I'm good there, but he is changing my Luvox to Pristiq.

I'm nervous about the change because I know nothing about Pristiq except that it looks to be related to Effexor. I've tried Effexor and for me it was the devil in pill form. There are a lot of nevers that accompany trying that one again. It's not like I'm not going to try Prristiq, but I'm not going in unprejudiced. I know that's bad. The PI sheet says don't take Pristiq if you were allergic to Effexor, and I wasn't allergic I just hated it so very much.

So, um yeah, trying a new pill. Anyone know anything about it?

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Guest Vapourware

I'm very concerned about the first part of your post. You need to tell your doctor about your plans. The fact that you are asking questions about Pristiq and contemplating taking the pill shows to me that a part of you does not want to carry out this plan of yours. I think you should hold onto that side of yourself and come clean to your pdoc. As you said, you are not thinking clearly.

You will be hurting your husband and your family if you carry out your plan. Do you want to devastate your sister so soon after her marriage?

Pristiq may help raise your baseline mood. When I took it, that's what I found it doing to me. Yes, it is related to Effexor but it's not quite the same drug.

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I think it's unfortunate that your doctor didn't mention a hospitalization, because I really believe that is where you need to be. I hope the new pill helps you, but I don't hold out a lot of hope that it'll be enough. Please call your pdoc back and tell him about your plans.

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Damik, it's really important you call your doctor and tell him that you've set a date for your plan. He can't effectively treat you without all the information.

There is hope you can feel much better than this. Please don't abandon your life.

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Damik -

Two things come to my mind reading your post. The first is that if your mind had completely given up all desire to live, you would not have called your pdoc and you would not be asking about your new meds. Listen only to the part of your mind that tells you to continue trying to get better. The other thoughts that are going through your head are neither real nor rational - they are symptoms of disease. You must not act upon them. They are the wrong path.

The second thing is where you say you have a "good plan", a "highly effective" plan, "if" your research is good. Don't be ridiculous. Do you have the remotest idea how easy it is to botch a suicide? Do you have the faintest clue how hard it actually is to kill a human? Gabrielle Giffords was shot through the brain in January and just cast a vote on the floor of the House, for God's sake. There are thousands upon thousands of examples of people who have attempted (why do you think we have the term "suicide attempt"?) to off themselves only to end up still alive and worse off than they were to start with because of the damage they've done. Even if suicide did solve anything - and you know perfectly well it doesn't - the likelihood of it going catastrophically wrong is statistically way, way too high to be worth the risk. Oh, and then there's the collateral damage to everyone you've ever known and loved, don't forget that - which would happen whether you do or don't survive the attempt. The only way to avoid it is to scrap the idea altogether.

As far as having set a date goes - why not just forget it? You have a preexisting commitment on that day anyway. You already have a date with life then, and you have to keep it. You are a member of humankind. You have a date with all of us.

Cerberus

[Typo edit.]

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This phrase from the Metanoia website has kept me alive when not much else has:

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

It appeals to the logical part of my brain, when all the other reasons for not offing myself didn't matter anymore. I hope you have already called your pdoc, and are starting to find some peace.

It will get better. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

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