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Ruminating on death

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I've got this worry that my cats are going to die (because I am a crazy cat lady in the making). I feel guilty thinking this when I look at them because I feel like this is going to make it happen. Then I feel guilty looking at my dogs because I don't worry about them, just about my cats, so I start to worry that I don't love them as much. I also worry that my mom is going to get into a car crash whenever I say goodbye to her, and I feel like I have to tell her to "drive safely" just in case that could help prevent it. Etc.

Okay, for context--I've got some sort of anxiety disorder(s), and I'm still working with my tdoc to figure out what's what. I'll be seeing him again in the next couple weeks, but since he works at my college, I haven't had the chance to talk to him about this. I do know that these ruminating thoughts have increased in number and discomfort because I'm stressed in general about going back to school, and I'm feeling some normal feelings, but they're being warped by obsessions.

So I understand the thing to do here is try to accept the ambiguity of not knowing, the lack of control I have over these situations, and deal with that rather than trying to avoid it. But it's like, right now I can't even look at my cats without thinking of them dying and it makes me very sad, even if I manage to circumvent the thought that my thoughts will make this stuff happen.

I would really love some tips on dealing with this. I feel like I understand a lot why I'm having this issue, but I'm pretty lost as to how to get rid of it.

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In psychotherapy I learnt to identify thought strains that were obsessive, intrusive or psychotic from normal strains of thought.

I found this the most groundbreaking part of my therapy.

It still helps me a lot, although meds help big time, if you can find the right ones. For me, a combination of prozac, clozapine and therapy has got me to the point where I am today. I still have some major problems, but my intrusive, obsessive thoughts and psychotic thoughts are really reduced in frequency and severity.

How is zoloft treating you? You are only on a small dose (50mg). An increase may help you, though I do note that you are also bipolar and often people with bipolar disorder do not respond well to large doses of ssris. Benzos can be very useful during the phases where you change doses of your ssri also> Talk to your prescribing dr about options.

So in short, you should be able to learn a lot from psychotherapy, and indeed meds can help big time too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the reply. /late response

Tweaking my meds, but this combo works better for me than anything else has. I'm not sure how necessary the Zoloft is. I can't go up on it--it turns me into a sloth. Like I sleep more than twelve hours a night, and then I'm weirdly forgetful and misplace things like paychecks. Not good.

I'm confused mostly because, in general, my daily anxiety has decreased since I started taking the Vistaril. I can sit and not feel really guilty about not doing anything productive, and I get less panicky in social situations. I really like this med because I don't get any negative side-effects.

Now that I'm back at school, I'm no longer having ruminating thoughts. So I'm pretty sure it was the stress. BUT I'm having more physical compulsions, which is just weird...I've always had this thing with body evenness and, I don't know how to put it, touching things to make them feel even? This was never overly distressing or time-consuming at all, but now I am constantly clenching muscles on either side of my body to get them to feel even and I don't like that I'm doing this twitchy thing in front of other people. Restarting psychotherapy tomorrow and I plan to bring this up as an increasing area of concern.

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I'm glad your ruminations are getting better.

I have 3 cats which I pretty much regard as family to me. I accept that my cats are going to die one day of old age or whatever else. A few years back one of my cats got hit by a car, I became very sad and angry. Still to this day I feel anger and grief over it. Just not nearly as much. I just remember he died knowing I cared about him.

Spend some time with your cats. Making them purr is a good way to remind them that you love them.

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