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Mixed State madness?


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This is a letter to my therapist who is out recovering from surgery. I could really use some answers and support if anyone is inclined to help me. I did post this on another site, too, but I think because it's super long it's being neglected:( This letter is not for the faint of heart and has a lot of profanity. You've been duly warned. Thanks!!

Quick BG. I'm a 32 y/o female. MDD dx in 1994, bipolar/dissociative NOS dx 2007. Taking meds as prescribed. I wrote this several hours ago. I have since gotten really euphoric and also crashed again. I think I've actually answered my own question, as far as the rapid cycling goes..?

I hope this letter finds you doing well in your recovery and that I'm not being a burden to you (that is, if you're even reading emails yet). I wanted to fill you in on this week, because as you know, my mind has a way of forgetting things really quickly.

Last Monday, I had an argument with my dad (about stocking toliet paper in all the bathroms of all things) and my sister-in-law (SIL) unfortunately was there and heard it. When I went into the office a while later and asked if she could take a 5 minute break so that I could print 4 invoices, she decided it was a good time to ask me to chip-in for ink and paper and I reasonably assured her that I don't print nearly as much as she thinks I do. She then went on to point out that all the office equipment was her and my bro's stuff and I wasn't allowed to use it anymore. She then threatened to "tell your father on you". I flipped out and started yelling at her to stay out of me and my father's relationship and how dare she meddle. Who the fuck does she think she is? Then we had the same old argument about this being our house and we pay the electric bill and that her and my bro ought to be grateful that they have this arrangement. She then stormed out and left.

That night, I told my parents what had happened and either that night or the following night we all sat down and talked. She was all nicey-nice, where as I always sit cold and stone-faced. I guess it was "worked" out, but I still harbored a deep resentment and hatred toward her.

She came over the next day and casually said hi like nothing had ever happened and I decided to ignore her. She went down the hall to the office and proceeded to have a VERY LOUD Skype conversation in her native jibberish which pissed me off, as I was trying to eat my lunch in peace 3 rooms down the hall. I finally had enough of her rudeness and disrespect that I walked down the hall, leaned in and respecting her and HER phonecall pulled the door shut as quietly as possible. She later claims I slammed it and that's what pissed HER off, but I most definitely did NOT. She ends her call and now starts to move freely around our house slamming doors and cupboards. Then she gets a call on her cell phone and she goes outside GENTLY closing the door. When she came back in I said almost verbatim, "When you're on the phone everything is nice and quiet, so stop slamming everything and cut the shit!" Now she heads toward the door and yells that I slammed the door while she was on her Skype call. I tried to yell that I had not, but she left and slammed the door mid-sentence (more disrespect). I fly to the door and yell after her that I did not and "you need to learn some respect!!"

She comes back later when my dad and sister are home, gets enraged about something I said and when my dad and bro are outside, she erupts and slams a chair against the table!! Now she's disrespecting our house again. We have a fight like no other and everyone comes running inside to see what the commotion is. (My sister had come home by now, as well.) Everyone is yelling at everyone and then she calls me a liar. I had talked to my mom and she had asked me if I wanted her to leave work early to which I replied in the affirmative. So now my SIL is calling me a liar, saying that I was making her come home because I told on her (which actually was what she threatened previously, but she didn't like it when I got results). I jumped up out of my chair and pointed my finger about 3 inches from her face and screamed at her for calling me a liar. (Later, my parents told me that everyone thought I was going to hit her. I would never, because I'm not going to jail for anyone and I reassured them of that.) So, now my father decides to take her side and in not so many words, tells me I can no longer use the office. Now I flip out all over again (how dare they try to sabotage my new business!!). I walk upstairs mid-rant and pack up my laptop and my phone charger. I tell my dad to fuck off and that I'm going to go live out of my car. I storm out and drive to the beach, but I don't have a sticker, so now I go to city hall and obtain one. On my way out I pass a door marked Fair Housing and I decide to go in. I tell the lady that I'm now officially homeless and how do I apply for section 8 or disability housing? She is incredibly helpful and then I get the idea to sleep in a shelter. I call a couple and leave messages, before it dawns on me to call my friend Phyllis (she's one of my elderly friends and has 4 empty bedrooms). She says I can spend the night. I'm on my way to her house when I start to feel incredibly uncomfortable aand vulnerable and then it hits me that Hello! I'm not broke, I can just get a room at a motel. Too late, she pulls into her driveway and we wind up spending the evening talking. After several hours and VMs from my parents later, I call them back and my mom tells me she asked my bro to keep SIL away from the house indefinitely. I head home about 9:30 that night. We talk, I'm lauging and making jokes, the pressure and anger has dissipated knowing she can't come around. I head to bed.

The next day, I'm hard at work in my room when I hear her unmistakeable voice in my driveway. I instantly become furious and call my mom and threaten that she do something. She tells me to tell my dad (who's outside) that she's here and now in the office! WTF!!!! I call my dad on his cell phone because I didn't want to run into her. He comes in and talks to her. then he comes upstairs to tell me that she has to be here to do office work. Well, the business didn't fold when she went to her new job for the 2 pathetic weeks that she actually kept it. My father sides with her. I research ways to kill myself and decide to take 2 mg Xanax to come me down, then pop a third (3 mg total) and jump in my bed to shut out the world.

Next thing I know, it is the following morning. I had a very strange dream or deja vu ( I couldn't tell which) about having had a pizza the night before and an ice cream cone to boot! I chuckle at the thought, because I haven't had real ice cream in almost 4 years. I go play bocce with my friend and am having a blast laughing and giggling and such. Then we went to a crappy and expensive tag sale, so my friend said we should steal their sign. So, I got out at the corner and stole their easel printed with MOVING SALE on it. Then we drove past the shop to make sure this bitch I hate (another bitch that ruined my life) was there before driving to her house and setting it up outside her driveway. It was genious and absolutely fucking hysterical! Then we parted ways and I headed to Whole Foods for coffee on my way home. My wallet is missing. I don't freak out because sometimes I have it out by my laptop to empty receipts to write off. I head home, only somewhat worried. I'm driving home and now I start to panic. I forgot to mail my eBay packages the day before! I must have slept all afternoon from the Xanax. I get home and thank God my wallet is in my tote bag, but with a menu from the pizza parlor that I had dreamed about. I head downstairs and tell my dad that I had a dream about eating pizza the night before. He says I did. I start to freak and dread opening my wallet. I open my wallet and HOLY FUCKIN SHIT! There is a receipt for PIZZA! There are also 3 postal delivery confirmations. It finally slams me with full force that I had been in a full-fledged blackout. I'm scared shitless and try to downplay what I now knew had to have happened.

Later that afternoon, my mom comes home and tells me that I need to get help, that I'm paranoid and irritable and explosive and threatening and maybe I should go to the hospital. I deny that anything is wrong (I'm self-rightious about SIL having started this whole episode) and I truly believe I am justified in my way of thinking and fuck her. I'm done with her. She leaves and I go about my day.

The next morning (Saturday), I wake up and make my way to the kitchen. I can hear my sister and my mom talking, so I join them with a cup of coffee. My mother immediately gets on my case about the amount of canned salmon I'm eating (it's my go to protein when my weight is up the dreaded 2 lbs.). She makes a case of how I probably have mercury poisoning and that it cause the terrible symptons I've been having. Oh, BTW, she even has an article open on the fucking office computer (the same computer I've been banned from) about the symptoms of mercury toxicity. I refuse to read it and tell her to stop blaming my bipolar on possible external factors. Afterall, I got bipolar from her! It's in the genes, ha! Now there is a full-on verbal assault taking place between me, myself and my mom. I keep telling my sister to mind her fucking business and why are you both ganging up on me?? Now I'm pointing out their shortcomings and they are getting really upset. As usual, the only emotion I show is anger. They're still harping on the salmon and telling me I eventually might need dialisys (who the fuck is crazy now, right) and I tell them that that's great. I would refuse it and then could give in to death. I finally can't take them picking on me anymore, so I go back to my room and isolate all day (no Xanax, too scared).

Yesterday, I wake up depessed as hell and I'm in tears several times over the course of the day. I hate my body, myself in general, I'm fat and ugly. I spend the better part of 6 hours online trying to discern wheather or not I even have bipolar and maybe I should give up my meds just to be sure. I force myself to go to bed, because I get too paranoid when I'm the only one awake in the house. I go into panic mode thinking that I may have to defend myself from the inanimate objects threatening me (if it gets to that, which thankfully, so far it hasn't, but probably would if I allowed myself to ignore the time and just keep going). BTW, I am fully aware that this is bizarre thinking, but it scares me nonetheless. I slept about 6 hours and now I've been online all morning re-reading every bipolar piece I can find. I'm even reading pages that I know I have read before, but yet because I'm checking the accuracy of my dx, I have to reread it just to make sure. I'm reading people's personal experiences and trying to see if anything they've gone through matches my own. I'm reseraching medications all over again to see if there is a cure for whatever it is that is going on. I've got tunnel vision again where I am obsessed with the Internet and expanding my knowledge about everything bipolar.

I keep finding myself going into staring episodes (my eyes actually cross without trying and it feels good, but I can't avoid thinking even as this happens). So all of the above leads me to believe (if anything) that I am having a mixed state. Here's why:

My manic symptoms:

working like a madman

angry/rageful/on edge

repetitive thoughts (the word nomenclature has been in my head repeatedly and I don't even know what it means. I'll have to look it up, I guess)

tunnel vision/too focused one any one thing

paranoid

freely spending/big ticket items

impulsive

constantly frustrated

compulsive cleaning/excessive neatness

questioning dx/meds

grandiose plans (trying to start two companies simultaneously)

6 hours sleep per night (convinced it would much less without trazedone)

reckless

wanting to flee and actually doing it

feel like I need to leave town (it will be better somewhere else)

numbness/feel hypnotized

too little time in the day

fits of giggling/outright hysterics

indecisive over big and little things (am I sick or aren't I?)

feeling excessive scrutiny from others

My depressive symptoms (simultaneously or alternating from the above symptons):

Slacking off from work (just today and the last few days)

suicidal ideation (researching lethal pill amounts and combinations)

negative thoughts

poor hygeine (one shower a week on average. It's disgusting and embarrassing to admit, but true.)

dread the thought of having to settle down and work

crying jags

hopeless - want to give up

acceptance of failure - don't care anymore

a few naps here and there (unmedicated)

feel burned out

overeating, but still managing to keep my weight

too much time to fill

isolating - broke and nowhere to go w/o money

Wow, I started writing this letter an hour and a half ago. Just meant to give you a brief update. BTW, I've also enjoyed myself immensely with writing my tale and have tried to stifle my laugher at some of the things I've written you about, lol.

I'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow evening and I've asked my mom to come because I know I will go in there and downplay this whole week and I know at heart (at least since yesterday) that something is not right. I don't know what, but something is. You don't have to write me back, as I'm sure you are probably loopy on painkillers anyhow and may not read this for a couple weeks. I wanted to write it down

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I'd say most people don't cycle quite that rapidly, so it's more likely to be a mixed episode, if you ask me. rapid cycling really means 4 or more cycles PER YEAR which is very different from widely varying mood states throughout the day which my pdocs have always defined as mixed.

Anna

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I'd say most people don't cycle quite that rapidly, so it's more likely to be a mixed episode, if you ask me. rapid cycling really means 4 or more cycles PER YEAR which is very different from widely varying mood states throughout the day which my pdocs have always defined as mixed.

Anna

Same.

Are you contacting your psychiatrist. A med adjustment is probably your answer.

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