Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Hello, I have a few silly questions but I think I found the right place to ask. I have always wondered if there's a dark presence with me guding me to harm. I've rarely spoken of 'him' because I am thinking I just have an overactive imagination, and also because if there really is someone there I don't want to really face that, either. Saying it out loud sounds psychotic, but in my mind its as rational a possibility as the existence of God and angels. I trust in God, but I'm not hyper-religious (and so far am non-denominational). I ask Him and the angels to protect me at night when I am alone with my thoughts, and maybe something else.

Since I was very young, I've been creating and re-creating the experience of sexual trauma and abuse. I would actively seek it, and still do (although I am much more careful now). I have no memory of being abused as a child. It was as if I was chosen for this punishment, and I am trying to learn from it, but the idea of being sort of 'huanted' makes me wonder if I am either crazy or just look for someone to blame besides myself for my actions.

As far as hallucinations or voices, I don't see anything but feel if I wanted to see something, maybe I would. I don't want to! The most recent experience was while I was falling asleep. I heard a male voices (very demonic and multiplied over itself). It was speaking in a threatening, abusive way and beckoning me to him. I remember being paralyzed and knowing I was dreaming, but the voice was so loud and clear I forced myself to wake up.

I don't feel like any medical professional would listen to this nonsense. In the 'real world' I am a sexual masochist with addictive and compulsive behaviors. I asked for everything that has happened to me. My last therapist insinuated that I was just spoiled and attention-seeking. I would actually like some real help, hence my opening up here.

Part of me is hoping someone who has experiences jarring episodes of psychosis will tell me that's not what this is. What is it, then, that moves my feet into a room where I will be, essentially, raped? During the time it is happening, am I having a psychotic episode? Being (I think) a sane adult and still suffering from the consequences of my past choices, I still allow myself to enter similar situations. Isn't that the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results? Yes, I have 'calmed down' some, but I am not stopping. I try to stay 'clean' of it, but its too big of a desire to ignore. Do I need an exorcist or some intensive therapy?

I've been told I need a good psychologist who specializes in PTSD and SA, but I don't really fit into any category. Anywhere. Not even on this board. I hope someone out there can hear me crying out for help. I'm not in any dire situation as of now, its more of an untreated cancer that will consome me if I don't cut it out. I'm 27 years old and I want to let this go and move on with my life-- I've been doing this since I was 12. Thanks for reading, sorry for being a freak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not a doctor so I can't diagnose you. Do you only hear the voices when you are falling asleep? Because that could be a hypnagogic hallucination. It does seem to me that you could really benefit from talking with a doctor. I don't know if you need meds or not, but maybe you can try to find a psychiatrist and get an accurate diagnosis? That way you could at least know what is going on and can figure out what course of treatment (be it meds and/or therapy) would be good for you. Just because one tdoc thought you were attention seeking and didn't help you, don't discount all doctors. Someone will help you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, I seem to have lucid dreams a lot so of course that's plausible. I have been hesitant to talk to a psychologist. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, maybe being judged or misdiagnosed again. I am seeing a pdoc who has me on Symbyax, the lowest dosage. I do have an exhaustive history of therapy not working out for me. I need very specialized help.

I see my pdoc and tell her about how the meds are working, but I don't see why I should tell her anything else because she won't understand the severity of my situation. I would travel, I would pay, I would do anything to talk to someone who understands and can help. I'm just very picky and feel I should be, since many doctors and government systems have let me slip through the cracks. My own parents did as well. But here I am with my little white flag, WILLING to surrender if I could JUST find the right program/person for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you ever TRIED telling your pdoc about your situation and given her a chance to understand?

I haven't told anyone about the dark presence. I told her about my addiction to sexual abuse, which she doesn't seem to view as enough of a problem to discuss a course of action or treatment with me. I see many doctors for various ailments including TMJ, PT for bad knees, GYN for check-ups, etc. Its just something that I can't seem to get across. For example, the doctor that recommended me to physical therapist for my knees: He of course wanted to know if there was an injury. Yes, there were multiple injuries. He inquires further, I tell him it was from an abusive relationship. He still wants to know what happened. I explain that there was not one incident, that there were many and with different guys. I'm embarrassed now. He says, no lie, So you just bad taste in men?

That was the end of that. I wasn't willing to discuss it any further. Its like I'm invisible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell your pdoc about the presence. That's important. It sounds like you need a good therapist to work out the sexual abuse stuff. It might take a few tries to find a therapist that you like and can connect with, so you need to be willing to go through that process. If you want help, you have to open up about things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please excuse me, but I didn't think it was clear from your post ... were you sexually abused (even if you have no memory of it) or not? Also, what are you seeking help for, sexual masochism, sexual abuse, or hearing voices?

I'm sorry if I'm thick headed, but I didn't get it in your post.

As has already been said, I'm sure that there is a therapist out there for you, even if many have failed you. I think you need to be open and honest with your pdoc because that is the only way to get the help that you need.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your pdoc kind of needs to know whats going on in order to get you better....

So I'll tell her everything. Nothing will change. I need more than she is capable of giving, and that's not a slight to her. She has been very tolerant of me and does her job, which is to keep me medicated- but what I need are some good referrals to psychologists. I can see how my old therapist wouldn't want to do that (hence he is not my therapist anymore) but my pdoc has nothing to lose by pointing me in the right direction. She obviously doesn't know what it is, or see my problem as valid. I'm not sure. I can try again with her, but I've had three sessions thus far where she doesn't seem to make a point of asking if I've been 'raped' lately. Its funny because the guy I'm seeing right now just moved literally across the street from her office. I'm thinking about going to see her after I see him, and she can see the damage for herself. Will that even help?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you tried really explicitly telling your pdoc that the sexual stuff is something you really want to focus on? She may not have understood how upsetting that is to you. Have you asked her for therapist referrals? It sounds like maybe you're kind of waiting for her to figure it out herself, and taking it as a sign that she doesn't care, when really, it's your responsibility to ask for what you need. It also kind of seems like you're intentionally, on some level, creating a situation in which you'll feel like she doesn't care about you.

I'm not surprised that your knee doctor didn't get it. He's probably had some training in screening for domestic violence, but none for picking up on or addressing a situation like yours.

What you're describing as far as the dark presence doesn't really sound to me like psychosis, and I'm really quite sure it doesn't exist. To me, it sounds more like something that's come up as a result of your trying to understand your behavior, and not having come up with many answers.

How is the symbyax working? What is it doing/supposed to be doing for you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sure you can ask your pdoc for a referral to a psychologist or therapist even if your pdoc doesn't get it. You just have to keep trying to find someone who helps you. That is what we all do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you ever TRIED telling your pdoc about your situation and given her a chance to understand?

I haven't told anyone about the dark presence. I told her about my addiction to sexual abuse, which she doesn't seem to view as enough of a problem to discuss a course of action or treatment with me. I see many doctors for various ailments including TMJ, PT for bad knees, GYN for check-ups, etc. Its just something that I can't seem to get across. For example, the doctor that recommended me to physical therapist for my knees: He of course wanted to know if there was an injury. Yes, there were multiple injuries. He inquires further, I tell him it was from an abusive relationship. He still wants to know what happened. I explain that there was not one incident, that there were many and with different guys. I'm embarrassed now. He says, no lie, So you just bad taste in men?

That was the end of that. I wasn't willing to discuss it any further. Its like I'm invisible.

I wouldn't expect a non-psychiatrist doctor to get it, really, so I wouldn't take that as a model for how your pdoc will take it. Med school includes very little training in mental health issues.

As for your pdoc, I don't know exactly what you told her, so I might be way off here, but I think many of us do not emphasize enough just how much we are suffering because of a given problem. I know I often expect my pain to be obvious, but apparently it is not. If you've only brought it up once, I think you should bring it up again and just literally tell her that this is what you want help with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please excuse me, but I didn't think it was clear from your post ... were you sexually abused (even if you have no memory of it) or not? Also, what are you seeking help for, sexual masochism, sexual abuse, or hearing voices?

I'm sorry if I'm thick headed, but I didn't get it in your post.

As has already been said, I'm sure that there is a therapist out there for you, even if many have failed you. I think you need to be open and honest with your pdoc because that is the only way to get the help that you need.

You're not thick-headed! I don't think I was clear about it. I was not sexually abused to my knowledge until I was 12 years old. At that point I was actively seeking abuse and consenting to it. I have no memory of being younger than that and being abused. The dark presence has always been around, though, since I was a child. I was afraid to sleep alone and cried myself to sleep every night. Now I just take xanax and watch tv so I don't feel afraid. (I am prescribed .5 mg)

I posted here to find out if the presence, the dreams (where there are the voices), and the trauma I expose myself to are, in fact psychotic. I've never been dx as such and wonder if that's overlooked.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you tried really explicitly telling your pdoc that the sexual stuff is something you really want to focus on? She may not have understood how upsetting that is to you. Have you asked her for therapist referrals? It sounds like maybe you're kind of waiting for her to figure it out herself, and taking it as a sign that she doesn't care, when really, it's your responsibility to ask for what you need. It also kind of seems like you're intentionally, on some level, creating a situation in which you'll feel like she doesn't care about you.

I'm not surprised that your knee doctor didn't get it. He's probably had some training in screening for domestic violence, but none for picking up on or addressing a situation like yours.

What you're describing as far as the dark presence doesn't really sound to me like psychosis, and I'm really quite sure it doesn't exist. To me, it sounds more like something that's come up as a result of your trying to understand your behavior, and not having come up with many answers.

How is the symbyax working? What is it doing/supposed to be doing for you?

I don't expect anyone to care or understand I suppose. I really want someone to. I can see how I am pessimistic, but how could I not be? I am sick of trusting people who really only think they can help, or write me off as a behavioral problem. I've connected more with some people on this forum then in real life. I've felt heard and gotten good advice from complete strangers I'll never meet. Its almost as if I expect to be 'found out' one day and taken away to get help. I honestly can't believe I'm still walking around posing as a sane, responsible member of society.

The dark presence has been around forever, and I just try to ignore that, but yes- he seems like someone to blame instead of myself, rationally.

My pdoc rx Symbyax, and dx me with bipolar. The medication does seem to help in that I can eat and sleep normally again. I feel a lot better on it, which opens up all sorts of opportunities, good and bad. Now's the time to nip this in the butt, I say.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay guys, I will specifically ask my pdoc to refer me to a psychologist or program specializing in sexual abuse and sexual addiction. I can leave out psychosis, it sounds like. :)

Although I will mention the dark presence, just in case.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sure you can ask your pdoc for a referral to a psychologist or therapist even if your pdoc doesn't get it. You just have to keep trying to find someone who helps you. That is what we all do.

Will do, keep on trucking. I wish I was as happy as your Elmo icon. It totally makes me smile, just sayin.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Will do, keep on trucking. I wish I was as happy as your Elmo icon. It totally makes me smile, just sayin.

Glad it makes you smile. I'm no doctor and hence can't diagnose, but the dark presence sounds an awful lot like anxiety or guilt and not psychosis. You shouldn't feel guilty (you've hurt no one), but feelings of guilt often accompany anxiety and depression. I often have that sensation too, but not to the extent you're experiencing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay guys, I will specifically ask my pdoc to refer me to a psychologist or program specializing in sexual abuse and sexual addiction. I can leave out psychosis, it sounds like. :)

Although I will mention the dark presence, just in case.

You are on the right track.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

adianoeta -

If you call yourself a freak again, I shall become cross. There's nothing freakish about you. You are hereby no longer allowed to say mean things about yourself.

The question of the 'Presence' you describe is a complex matter, pointing to profound effects of past events upon your psyche. You've had some horrendous things happen to you - let's just lay that out up front - so it is to be expected that your mind will have gone to unusual lengths to find ways to make sense of a world that has gone dreadfully wrong. It is hardly to be wondered at that your dreams are filled with disturbing male voices. It is not surprising that those voices might continue to echo in your consciousness in your waking hours.

When you were young, at the time when it was most important that adults taught you to value yourself as a person, you were instead used and objectified in terrible ways and learned a very different way of seeing yourself and others. Now, a part of your mind has begun to realize that what you were taught then is wrong; that there is a real you, a wonderful you, who deserves love and validation, whose personal worth is as great as anyone's, and whose future is her own to choose.

Perhaps (and please understand that I am only speculating) you have a sense of this dark 'presence' and dream of dark voices because your mind is attempting to sequester - to push away - the memories of the men who harmed you and the feelings associated with them, to isolate them from the rest of your mind so that you can try to heal. The more separated from your healthy mind they become, the more distinct they may appear. But I would go so far as to make the following assertion, based on research and personal belief: There is no actual evil 'Presence', in the sense of some other independent spirit, attached to you. There is nothing but your mind's own attempt to cope with what has happened to you. Whenever you hear the voices, or feel the 'presence', say to it, "You have no power over me." Repeat it as often as you have to until you believe it - until you no longer feel any impulse from it.

Adianoeta, I really do believe that you will experience enormous relief once you find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, and you do need a specialist. Don't stop looking until you find one.

Cerberus

P.S. - Don't worry about where to post. Post wherever seems the best fit for your question. If any of us Mods think that you would get more useful attention on another board, we'll contact you about moving the post there. No worries.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...