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ktb69

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:Trigger::Trigger: :Trigger: :Trigger: POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT :Trigger::Trigger: :Trigger: :Trigger:

Okay so I've wondered about posting this for days, but it's been bugging me, so I just need to get it out... I've been self harming for about 10 years... a few days ago right after I cut, I had this overwhelming urge to rub soil into my fresh wounds, I have no idea where that came from, but it was something I felt like I really strongly had to do, like the dirt from outside was magnetised... like I *had* to do it, I tried to distract myself by reading, watching tv, going online, I called a help line and talked to them for best part of an hour but ended up doing it anyway, after they hung up... every distraction didnt work, it was like the soil was magnetised to me, like it was something I HAD to do.. I didn't really want to do it, but I HAD to. Like the thoughts were constantly there telling me to do it, telling me it would be easy to scrape out some of the mud (it's been pretty crappy weather so heaps of mud around..) from the garden and smother my wounds with it and leave it over night.

I ended up doing it, left it on over night and now I just feel shity, I don't know why I did it, or what the hell came over me, where it came from, why I HAD to do it, I'd tried my distraction techniques given from my mental health nurse and they weren't working, I read a chapter of my book which made no sense, as the soil was all I could concentrate on, and I watched tv, again I couldn't concetrate- no idea what it was or how it came about... I called help line who were useless except in holding me back for an hour, but it was almost like something had taken over me, I've never done this before, never heard of people doing it before and it came totally out of the blue and it's really upsetting me :-(

Does anyone else have this problem?

Please feel free to move to a different subject if appropriate, or delete if too triggering

Will check back in morning for hopefully some advice! Thanks guys x

Edited out all my awful post sleeping pill typos!

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Do you have a tdoc?

I think that you need to work through this pretty soon. By rubbing soil into your wounds, you are risking infection. You don't know actually what is in the soil, but there could be lots of bacteria. But you do need to try and stop rubbing the soil into your wounds. You could make yourself ill doing that.

Therapy is usually the best place to work through SI issues.

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Hiya, I have a mental health nurse who basically acts as a tdoc, she knows what I did and how I felt etc, but I've only seen her yesterday when I saw my pdoc for medication and I don't talk to my pdoc about that kind of stuff.. I see her again on Monday, so will be talking to her about it then, but just wanted to vent a bit last night I guess, as it was really bugging me, I really don't understand where that urge came from, and yeah I am very aware of the risk of infection etc, which is one of the reasons it bugs me so much, is it another form of SI?? I don't actually want it to get infected, thankfully it doesn't look like it's getting infected, I'm keeping it clean and keeping an eye on it, so hopefully it will just heal up. I just really don't understand where this major urge/need to rub dirt into the wounds came from :(

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Hey.

I'm a day late and a dollar short, and I'm sorry about that, but wanted to toss in my two cents anyway.

First of all, you're on the right track with finding a tdoc (or at least a competent MH nurse who knows what she's doing). They'll be able to help you manage your SI urges, and try to work to the bottom of what engenders the strange urges that can sometimes go with it. If it helps you at all, this is not the first odd behavior story I've come across from a fellow SI sufferer. I think, for some, a kind of mild obsessive thinking is part of self-harm. I have never had urges like you describe, but when I am in the deep woods, to so speak, I do sometimes get an obsessive fantasy of destroying one of my eyes.

What does your support network look like outside your nurse? Do you have friends or folks at home you trust? Do you live with anyone who might be willing to help you out? I do not have the will power to make myself not cut when I want to really badly. So sometimes, when I find myself obsessing over the urge to cut, I find someone who understands when I say it's not safe for me to be alone at the moment. I don't have to talk to them about what I'm thinking, and I usually don't. Sometimes, having a little while with someone else, hanging out and talking about random stuff over a pot of coffee, takes my mind off the feelings. Then, when they come back later, they're usually much less urgent. That moment has passed. Maybe something like that would help you, as well?

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Hey.

I'm a day late and a dollar short, and I'm sorry about that, but wanted to toss in my two cents anyway.

First of all, you're on the right track with finding a tdoc (or at least a competent MH nurse who knows what she's doing). They'll be able to help you manage your SI urges, and try to work to the bottom of what engenders the strange urges that can sometimes go with it. If it helps you at all, this is not the first odd behavior story I've come across from a fellow SI sufferer. I think, for some, a kind of mild obsessive thinking is part of self-harm. I have never had urges like you describe, but when I am in the deep woods, to so speak, I do sometimes get an obsessive fantasy of destroying one of my eyes.

What does your support network look like outside your nurse? Do you have friends or folks at home you trust? Do you live with anyone who might be willing to help you out? I do not have the will power to make myself not cut when I want to really badly. So sometimes, when I find myself obsessing over the urge to cut, I find someone who understands when I say it's not safe for me to be alone at the moment. I don't have to talk to them about what I'm thinking, and I usually don't. Sometimes, having a little while with someone else, hanging out and talking about random stuff over a pot of coffee, takes my mind off the feelings. Then, when they come back later, they're usually much less urgent. That moment has passed. Maybe something like that would help you, as well?

Hiya, my MH nurse and I have been working on the SI thing and I'm starting to understand that a bit better etc, but the rubbing dirt in it thing I just really don't get, I've SI for such a long time- like 10 years, and I've never had this urge before so I'm finding it hard to understand why this urge has come about now, what it's all about, ya know? I'll definately be talking to my MH nurse about it tomorrow though- hopefully she can help me work out what the hell that was about!

The mild obsessive thinking thing does actually make sense to me, I guess from when I first start thinking I need to SI, I do obsess about it more and more until I SI OR until I manage to kill that urge.

My support network is a bit of a tricky one, I live alone... I tend to hibernate when I'm in a bad space, which I know is bad for me, and I'm currently working on stopping the hibernation habit... but yeah... I don't talk to my family much about my SI, they're supportive, but they don't really understand. I used to talk to my best friend about it, but she's recently had a relapse of her own MI and finds talking about SI too triggering, so we don't talk about it anymore, so the only person left to talk to about it is my MH nurse who is only available during office hours (if she's not busy with other clients- argh!). I have to say I've found this forum a good distraction though :)

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Just wanted to add a note about the soil-rubbing.. It's not unheard of. I read somewhere that there are some tribes(I think African, but please don't quote me on that) who do cut themselves in tribal patterns, and pat dirt into the wounds to have an impact on the scars that form.

Different reasons, obviously, but you're definitely not alone. :)

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^ Clean ash rubbed into deep wounds is an early form of tattooing, and was practiced for a long time by the Maori for their tribal tattooing. I think it's still practiced in parts of the world. I've read that, done correctly, it poses no greater risk of infection than a normal injury. I'm not sure I believe that, though. It seems illogical.

How are the cuts healing up? You feeling okay?

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Just wanted to add a note about the soil-rubbing.. It's not unheard of. I read somewhere that there are some tribes(I think African, but please don't quote me on that) who do cut themselves in tribal patterns, and pat dirt into the wounds to have an impact on the scars that form.

Different reasons, obviously, but you're definitely not alone. :)

Huh, I never knew that, that's interesting :) Glad to know I'm not alone lol

^ Clean ash rubbed into deep wounds is an early form of tattooing, and was practiced for a long time by the Maori for their tribal tattooing. I think it's still practiced in parts of the world. I've read that, done correctly, it poses no greater risk of infection than a normal injury. I'm not sure I believe that, though. It seems illogical.

How are the cuts healing up? You feeling okay?

They're healing okay, I think.. slower then normal, I think I really should have got them stiched up, but bit late now- oh well. I'm feeling okay, they don't look infected or anything thank god, keeping them clean etc, and I think it's been long enough to assume that they wont have gotten infected from the soil :)

Didn't get a chance to talk to my MH nurse about it today unfortunately, but I'll be seeing her again on Friday, so hopefully we can talk about it then, I know we'll be going through my DBT diary cards in that session which will draw attention to the SI thing anyway, so that will be a good 'opener' to talk about this.

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Just wanted to follow up and see how the appointment went. Hope you're hanging in okay. :)

We didn't get a chance to talk about it, grrr... some new... errr... developments... came up which needed to be addressed. It hasn't happened since then, and it doesn't really bother me as much now, so not a big urgency to go over it I guess.

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Guest Vapourware

I think it might be an idea to have an actual therapist, rather than a MH nurse. MH nurses are great and all, but ultimately they're not trained in therapy. I think one way of stopping self harm is to find the core motivators behind the behaviour - why are you self-harming? What led you to self-harm in the first place? Once you can work out the motivating forces, you can then work on strategies to move on.

You're also pretty lucky that your wounds didn't get infected. Mud has a lot of bacteria [unlike ash or dust, which IIRC is relatively clean in comparison].

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Hey Vapour, my MH Nurse is the person who will be doing the DBT (She runs the group here) So I'm kind of assuming she has the right kind of knowledge if you know what I mean. We have touched on the SI- why I do it, what triggers me into it and ways I can avoid it etc, but at the moment, we've kind of been focusing on the more "life threatening behaviours" as she would call them, so haven't been able to go into great detail. I've not been with her very long- about 4ish months, and it's taken most of that time to get comfortable enough to open up to her (believe it or not, I don't open up in real life, I'm the person sat in the corner, all bent and hunched up, looking at the floor, hair covering her face and shrugging and one-word answers argh).

Hopefully they'll let me start the DBT in the next month or two, I think that should really help.

And yeah, I know I'm really lucky they didn't get infected, I'm actually kind of surpised, but it's a good thing, and I'm glad- cos infected wounds are the last thing I need right now!

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