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Why do I have to endure this?


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I don't understand myself.

I feel so different than everyone else... like an alien.

I don't even feel like I belong among others with mental illnesses.

I don't understand social norms or common courtesy.

Tonight it became clear to me... my bf had a couple of friends visiting

from out of town whom he hadn't seen in a long time. After an hour and

a half, I guess I chased them away. They left because I made them feel

uncomfortable. I hadn't even said a word to them, nor acknowledged them,

but my bf said that was the issue. He said I was rude for ignoring them.

He than told me alot of his other friends have said this about me behind

my back. I mean, is this common among mental illness sufferers?

Can 'normals' sense this in us? I feel awkward and judged around 'normals'.

I always generally try to avoid people at all cost due to this. They like to

taunt and judge me.

Now, a few hours after said incident, I am feeling suicidal and extremely

hopeless. Noone can help me through this.

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I don't want to sound paranoid, but yeah, they can tell. It's about what you say and what you don't, sometimes you laugh at something you think is funny but it turns out it's not supposed to be. Sometimes it's just the way you say shit. I get this all the time. Add to this prosopagnosia (face blindness) and you have a good excuse to stay home most days. You're lucky you have someone :).

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Yes, people can sense this. When I was a child, people used to ask my parents what's wrong with me and that I'm not normal. I found this all out later much to my embarassment.

ETA: I also try to avoid people.

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I find my MI lets slip when I say things that aren't really standard conversation topics. I'm naturally very chatty, and I tend to shoot my mouth off when I'm talking. And yeah, like, uh... Hooker says there, laughing at things which aren't really socially normally funny. I find I have to focus on keeping my mouth shut with colleagues at work, to keep up a 'normal person' appearence.

So I suppose it depends how much it bothers your partner what his friends think of you. There is feasibly pretending, but I know it's a lot harder to open your mouth than keep it shut :s

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Mochi -

First of all, I'm sorry you're hurting. You very much belong here with us - many, many of our members have experiences similar to yours, and just staying here long enough for them to chime in and acknowledge that you're not alone can be a great relief.

Why do you have to endure this? Again, I'm sorry, but in the sense of 'why did my life have to include this suffering', you will likely never know the answer this side of the grave, and wringing your mind and heart and hammering your fists against the sky demanding an answer is a guaranteed recipe for misery. Now, in the sense of 'what is causing me to suffer', that is something that science and medicine can discover. According to your dx, you have a mood disorder, Major Depression. It is treatable, but if you're feeling suicidal, it sounds as though your current meds may not be the most effective selection for you. I would urge you to contact your pdoc right away and explain that you're having suicidal thoughs and see if a meds change is in order.

You also wrote this:

I don't understand myself.

I feel so different than everyone else... like an alien.

I don't even feel like I belong among others with mental illnesses.

I don't understand social norms or common courtesy.

The thing is, these statements, especially the last one, don't particularly sound like symptoms of Major Depression. But they sound exactly like what we hear over and over again from those with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm an Aspie, and I understand that feeling completely, and I so understand the shunning. If you've never done so, you might want to try Googling "Asperger's Syndrome" and see if any of the information strikes a chord with you, and if it does, discuss it with your pdoc and/or tdoc. There are ways to learn to adjust.

Hang on, and stay connected here. This is a place of learning, and for many, a place of self-discovery.

Cerberus

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I never noticed how 'rude' I was until someone in my class went to the trouble of sitting with me and saying something about me ignoring him. Since then I've found that an awkward wave and a weak smile with a (very) brief moment of eye contact when people enter the room is sufficient and then if they aren't there to see you specifically that's usually about all you have to handle. I'm not always like this though. I'm always socially retarded but my extreme antisocial episodes are usually linked in to periods of high anxiety.

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Oh my Mochi. You are not alone! I just got fired from a job I retained for 8 years because of "unprofessional behavior and escalating incidents with staff". On Thursday I was very proud of myself for being able to keep a job for such a long time and to be promoted all the way up to supervisor. Friday, I got fired. Don't, get me wrong - these last 8 years have been filled with constant dread that everyone is out to get me and they're all looking for ways to get me fired. It turns out I was right about that. What's unprofessional about me? I say stupid stuff at the wrong time and normal people don't like that. I can't regulate my tone or understand others' body language. So, when I talk to people, like boss tells me to, about issues, they feel attacked. I've never understood why people are afraid of me or mean to me...it's just always been this way. Trying to make it through life on normal people's terms is a challenge. There have been times in my life when I've taken your approach and simply tried to avoid interacting with people and there are times when I've been forced to interact with people or I've chosen to interact with people to make myself better...but I guess none of it has worked. I wish I had some advice to give you about this...my advice would probably make things worse for you though. I do know this: Normal people suck. There are a lot of crazy people out there that you can be friends with too.

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I may be off base on this, but I don't think normal people suck. i think mean normal people suck. I have plenty of "normal" people in my life who are very supportive, kind, and enjoyable to be around, including close friends, family, and coworkers.

That said, I also have people in the same category who somewhat suck.

As far as acting oddly, yes that has happened to me. I really try to maintain stability and keep myself out of hairy situations when needed to avoid falling into social traps when I can. this has also involved learning a certain amount of acting/pretending which can be learned..... therapy might help with this.

That said, I'm sorry you had such a rough experience and I'm sorry that your sx prevented you from enjoying your friends, and them from enjoying you. i have been there.

Anna

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I may be off base on this, but I don't think normal people suck. i think mean normal people suck. I have plenty of "normal" people in my life who are very supportive, kind, and enjoyable to be around, including close friends, family, and coworkers.

Yes, good distinction - I think that's really what I mean to say "mean people suck" I think I've had too many experiences with mean people to know the difference anymore...plus i'm in a bad place right now.

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I am sorry you are so miserable. :(

I guess I have a question. Why didn't you say hello to them?

What would happen if you forced yourself to say hello, offered them a drink/soda/ice tea whatever, and then locked yourself into your bedroom with a book or your laptop?

You don't have to be social and hang out.....but I am sure it would go a long way with your SO, or any friend,

if you could offer this minimal level of manners.

Maybe I don't understand, I probably don't, but sometimes a healthy action can lead to a better space mentally.

Sort of like taking a walk can be a good self soothing skill.

I am not trying to criticize you....just offer a different perspective.

This seems like an issue that is ripe for therapy.

And yes, you can make it through this. Are you in therapy?

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It is difficult that there are apparently rules of social conduct that are unwritten that everyone is supposed to be following but that are for whatever reason particularly difficult for some people. So for example there might be a rule that says "when guests come from out of town you're supposed to play the gracious host and make them laugh and engage them in witty and interesting conversation and refill their drink and engage with them and make sure they have a good time etc" that's really hard when you're not a talker, when talking is actually not fun at all and it is hard work to produce speech due to MI.

ETA: people will judge when one breaks the unwritten rules

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I really do think that people can "sense" it. My parents have been told all my life that i'm an "odd" or "weird" child. just the way it's always been.

next time, i think i'd just tell you to not be so afraid to say "hello" to them, or ask them how you are. I'm not saying you have to have a whole conversation, that will come with time, but just warm yourself up, and at least acknowledge they're t heir next time. Just take baby steps.

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Hi Mochi

Sorry that you feeling so isolated.

I agree with Anna. For me personally to have "normalies" around is important as a gauge. It is very easy for me to function in and around group therapy/others similar etc. But the real measure in my stability/mental situation at present is my ability to interact with normal everyday people.

I suffer from social anxiety which I think relates back to my PTSD/childhood trauma. This can lead me feeling like a socially inept twit, not relaxed in others company, blurting out silly things, freezing up etc, not wanting people in my environment for too long.....

Perhaps you would benefit from looking into social anxiety.

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Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am currently not in any kind of therapy and have thought about bringing it up to my pdoc.

She has not once suggested that I be included in any kind of therapy. However, that is probably

my fault, as she doesn't know about this issue I am having. All I told her was that I am very afraid

of people.

Also, I read something about 'selective mutism' and it seems to pertain to me somewhat.

I agree that I do engage in this behavior, as my bf has told me his friends will say "hi" to me

and I will simply give them an evil glare and cover myself back up with my blanket. Sometimes

I don't even realize I do this and I don't feel bad or rude for acting this way. Apparently it is very

rude; whenever he has people over (I never do, as I don't have ANY friends), I withdraw and

cover myself with my blanket and pretend to be asleep. The whole time they are there, I am sweating,

anxious, and feel like I'm going to scream. I won't even get up to use the restroom because they'll

see me than. UGH! /endfrustration

And yes, it is too hard to pretend to be even the slightest bit interested in interacting with his guests.

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I am currently not in any kind of therapy and have thought about bringing it up to my pdoc.

She has not once suggested that I be included in any kind of therapy. However, that is probably

my fault, as she doesn't know about this issue I am having. All I told her was that I am very afraid

of people.

Ok - Like, I am probably the last person in the world to give advice about getting therapy but did you actually say the words "I am very afraid of people" to your pdoc? And they did not suggest therapy? You may want to see another pdoc. When I told my pdoc how I was feeling she immediately put me on cymbalta and gave me a referral and she said "Yeah, you're probably going to need therapy for the rest of your life". In hindsight - I was pretty gosh darn honest with her about all the crap I was feeling...so, if you haven't been honest with your doc yet - please give it a try! You don't have to be stuck under a blanket!

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I can somewhat relate to what you expressed. I often in social scenarios feel like a blind batter at the plate. I can swing or not, either way chances of hitting the ball are slim and everyone notices when you miss. I have a similar problem I am often too quite, then I'll work up the courage or whatever to participate in a conversation and usually either say something rude, or that others consider extreme or just inappropriate. I always feel like shit when I say something and it just stops the conversation dead and everyone stares at me or just looks confused.

I was isolated alot because people seemed to pick up on it. When I was a kid I thought maybe there was some subconscious queue against me in peoples minds. That people just instinctivly hated me because I emitted some pheromone or had some sign I couldn't see.

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