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Still, I won't quit...

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:Trigger: :Trigger: :Trigger:

I have been cutting for 4 years now. It started with scissors, then knives, then razors and broken glass, and now a razor blade. I have been institutionalized twice for it, and it still hasn't done shit. This last time was about 3 weeks ago and the doctors were annoying the hell out of me because they kept saying I was suicidal. I am NOT fucking suicidal anymore!:cussing: I just cut. Until about 2 months ago, I didn't think it was an addiction until my psychologist of 4 years said that's what it was to me. It wasn't a "I feel numb so I want to feel pain now." NO! I don't understand WHY I do it, I just know that I feel like doing it and I like it. I like the release and here recently I have wanted to see my own blood. (Not quite understanding that part yet.) I have lost so many people lately, and I have started again after being "clean" for 4-5 months. I don't understand WHY I want to do it, and I know that people say that it's bad, but I think that they are just concerned about me being suicidal. I AM NOT FUCKING SUICIDAL! :wall:

I think the only reason my dad and bitch of a step mom (who just left us) didn't want me cutting because they didn't want my little siblings doing it, which I would NEVER do anything to expose them to that, but that doesn't mean I should have to quit just because they think it's nasty, gross or whatever. I know I need help, I just can't bring myself to want it for that. For the people in my head, yes I need help controlling them. The depression, yes I need help with that. But the cutting? I'm not sure.:(

Any thoughts?

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In order for therapy and hospitalization to "do shit," you have to be receptive. If you're still curled up with the idea of SI in your head, everyone around you might as well be saying "baa, baa, baa," because that's all it's going to amount to.

Does it matter what tool? If so, why?

Is it possible that the people around you are concerned that you SI not because they're focused on whether you are or aren't suicidal, but...because self-harm is dangerous, maladaptive, fucking scary, emotionally ugly and hard to deal with for everyone involved? Could it be possible that, even though they may misinterpret your SI as suicidal thinking, their obvious concern is still relevant?

Ever heard the expression "little pitchers have big ears"? Believe that your younger siblings know something's wrong, and they'll figure it out. You can hide your own from them, but that doesn't mean they won't eventually overhear someone say it in relation to you, and go researching on their own. You're correct that it's not your responsibility to quit for their sake, but don't lie to yourself about keeping them in the dark. That's a pretty weak excuse.

If you're not suicidal, have you tried to write down what you do feel? Those fucking annoying doctors and all around you? They're trying to help. They might even be able to, if you worked with them a bit. They probably have at least a little experience in these matters, and can guide you to thinking critically about your situation and motivations, so you can actually get something out of the appointments. But you have to tell them. They can't summon it out of the ether. If you don't give them info, they will probably make wrong assumptions based on what they observe. GIGO: garbage in, garbage out.

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  • 4 weeks later...

The problem is, there will always be some things in life that make you distressed. Therapy for self-harm usually has two parts - identifying any mood issues or other things that are making you want to cut, and finding better coping strategies for the things you can't eliminate.

What sort of things are triggering you to cut? I'm glad you're at least willing to work on those in therapy.

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