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Missing the high on the way up


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I have lately realized I miss my manias. Well not so much the mania that's scary but the hypomania I get on the way up to manic. I find that now that I'm stable I lost all my life and my personality. I lived years unmedicated and when I was manic I was the life of the party now I find myself in bed by ten o clock. I'm 22 years old I, should be living the college life and between med effects and finding stability I feel much older. Is there something wrong with me for missing my manias. I only seem to get mixed these days. Is it just me or is it once you get a bp diagnosis you lose so much. I am not sure what im looking for here I guess to know I'm not alone..... anyone...

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I was really afraid this would be my experience, but oddly enough, it hasn't been. I don't get hypomanic like before, but I still have energy and creativity. I've actually found it's easier for me to sleep and write and do what I've wanted to do in a healthy way.

So I guess I would tell your doctor if I were you. Like you, I'm 22... and I think part of being away at college is being involved in groups and socializing, and since that's part of your life, you should be able to do those things. If you can tell your doctor that you feel so... empty and wrong like this, maybe there's a drug that will work better and make you more... like yourself.

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From reading CB, missing mania/hypo is not an uncommon feeling. Missing having fun, being social or being productive. And the idea that being medicated takes that away. But I've also read a number of members emphasizing the cost, that untreated mania/hypo eventually bites you in the ass

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I went undiagnosed for a lot longer than you. I still miss my happy hypos still. I think most people do. It is very normal for newly treated bipolars. Euphoria is seductive. A lot of non-bipolar people chase drugs to experience it. The thing is, it has a huge price. Mania is pretty horrible, depression sucks, and mixed is the worst. I mean, really, there is no such thing as JUST euphoria. Overall, it isn't worth it.

It sounds like your meds are not where they need to be. Talk to your pdoc. Share everything, including how you feel in words much more descriptive than "like a zombie" or "like crap." Those don't help him or her a lot. Also know that it can take a while to find the meds that really work. When you find them, light bulbs come on and it is worth the effort. Real stability brings something you can't fully appreciate until it happens.

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Is it asking for too much to have a medication that makes you feel alive instead of just living. Does such a medication exist. Because right now I wouldn't say I'm depressed and I'm not manic either, I'm just blah. Makes me want to stop my meds altogether. I see my pdoc in a week hopefully something will be fixed. I just feel like a pain everytime I say this isn't working.

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Partly it might be your meds, but likely it includes an adjustment for you. Life is different now. Adjusting doesn't happen over night.

Are you working with a therapist trained in bipolar. I have and still am once in a while. She helped a lot in many ways.

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Yeah, everything is an adjustment. I feel I'm greiving so much. I can't do what I use to do without it triggering some kind of episoide. I can't even go to school full time anymore. Granted normal for me was in a constant manic state for months at a time where I could work 80 plus hours and go to school full time. Now I can't do that I can barely work the 25 some hours I work now.

I am working with a counselor but it seems everytime I go in I just can't find the right stuff to talk about. I just started seeing her so I don't fully trust her yet. All my issues come up inbetween and she tells me I can call her but they don't seem like that big of a deal unlesss I'm going to si or something. I don't know. I'm just trying to adjust I guess.

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I worked three jobs during part of college and went to school. I thought I was just highly productive. Then I crashed and could barely manage my classes....

I forget stuff all the time, too. Keep a log of stuff that comes up between sessions. Look it over before you go in to see what feels right to discuss. It can be helpful and is way better than stuttering or staring at the walls, especially when you know you have things to talk about.

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It is going to take a while, (maybe even a few years) for the meds to have long term improvement, for you to accept and get past being dx'd as bipolar. I know it did for me.

I don't have the sheer energy or the ability to spin up into 'crisis' mode for big projects any more. But the trade off is that I'm no longer being dragged up and down the hills and valleys of moods, getting scraped across every rock and bramble.

Life is more pleasant and more consistent now. Things are much better. As one doctor advised me long ago: "Don't focus on what you can't do. Focus on the things you can do, find ways to adapt to the things you have trouble with and enjoy the pleasure you have".

Keep going to the therapist. It is good to talk about what is troubling you.

best, am

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I personally think anyone who tells you they don't miss the euphoria is not telling the truth. I mean, we all want to be superhuman.

But when you're BP, it comes at a price. And the more episodes you have, the bigger price you pay. For 35 years, all I had were euphoric manias. Now all I have are mixed states, which are pure hell.

It's normal to miss the party college life when you are 22. Just think of things as slower in coming to fruition, rather than "I can't do it anymore." You can still have fun and go to college and accomplish your goals, just in a slightly altered way. I flunked out of college at 19 due to a depressive episode. I got my college degree 13 years later. And I'm serious about going back to college again next year for another degree in a different field. That's only possible because my meds have made me more stable now than I've been in years (I worked full time and took care of two kids when I got my degree... can you say hypo??)

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I know I just have to keep reminding myself my meds are needed because when I get manic I sometimes have psychotic features . I don't like going there. I knew I was bipolar before the doctors diagnosed me. There was no way I was suffering with just depression. If I knew before the diagnosis shouldn't it be easier for me to accept?

Also I'm having such a hard time with med side effects. My work would rather have me off my meds then taking them because I get so drowsy. Plus the lithium makes me stable but feel dead at the same time. Ahhh confusing!!!

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I don't miss the euphorias, and i'm not lying. This is because I have genuinely looked at my behaviors while "euphoric" they were usually selfish, self centered, and unpleasant for others, frankly. My euphorias made me do things that "aren't me" and I don't like that. Genuinely, I am NOT a dancing on pianos while drunk type, to be quite frank. i'm not a goth, I'm not special, I'm not superwoman, and I don't want to be. i want to be a NICE PERSON.

That involves being euthymic, which is relaxing, fun, enables me to enjoy life to the fullest while still being a productive member of society who can enjoy things. Like my family, friends, work, etc., and genuinely care about them. I can still do some of the difficult stuff, it just takes me more time, like, more like an average person. Yeah, fine. My average is pretty damn good, to be honest. Better than many.

I mean, i know what's coming after the euphorias, but man, even without THAT, when I looked at my euphorias from OTHER people's perspectives, it helped me a lot. I mean, they aren't fun for other people, usually. That said, I can get pretty damn 'euphoric" but genuinely, a life of boring euthymia suits me down to the ground.

yes, your meds may need adjusting, you seem to be on a lot, and maybe you have a lower baseline mood than you could eventually get. Overmedicated is no fun either, or the wrong meds.

That said, when my cocktail is working, I am genuinely HAPPY and I'll take that over superwoman any day. I have no need t change the world, just manage my own little bit of it to the absolute best of mnuy ability.

So I must genuinely disagree, but when I'm stable on the right cocktail.... it doesn't impact me. I 'm serious. The illness doesn't run me and I LOVE IT. my best periods of productivity and sanity have been while euthymic (getting my degree, getting remarried, raising my kid right, the list goes on....).

Anna

Not seduced by euphoria anymore.

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Fantasizing about mania, for me, is like fantasizing about cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. I've quit all of them but I do miss them terribly some days. But then I remember the havoc they wreaked on my life and my body. As for mania, intellectually I know that it needs to be gone forever. But emotionally I miss being dynamic, interesting, a little crazy and all the things that come with being manic.

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