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I missed my chance to fall off the cliff


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I've been feeling unstable lately. Maybe the last few months. Pdoc is aware. I'm tapering off celexa (last dose is tomorrow) and then we're going to add something, either abilify or lithium. In the meantime, my mood cycles are getting faster and faster, and each low is a new lower low. About 3 weeks ago, I went very low. But somehow I clung to the edge of the abyss and did not drop. Clawed my way out. But I know once I claw my way out of the hole, I'm still teetering on the edge and now I'm so much more worn out and beat up that it takes much less to push me back in again.

When I went really low a few weeks ago, I called pdoc and we were discussing inpatient versus intensive outpatient therapy. But then I seemed to get myself put back together and so all that started to seem a little excessive. I mean, I wasn't that bad anymore. I definitely was no longer a danger to myself.

I was okay the last two weeks. Relatively okay. Maybe even hypomanic a bit, because I actually got a few things done. But here I am again, sinking. Going down the rabbit hole. And yet... it's a phenomenally bad time to lose my grip on reality. My oldest just started back to school. The youngest goes back in to day care next week. I work three days a week. Husband works more than full time (50+ hours/week). We have no local family. I have no close friends whom I trust to watch my kids. I don't have much short term disability saved up and I have no long term disability accrued yet. We need my paycheck. So it's a really really bad time for me to lose my grip. And that makes me feel more trapped than ever. It makes it that much more exhausting to hang on, knowing that I have absolutely no safety net. It's not so much that I care what happens to me, but I do not want my crazy to make my kids and husband suffer (any more than the usual) and have to worry about money and who is going to watch the kids and how my mental/physical state is impacting my daughter's mental state (she's 8 and very sensitive/aware).

Off topic but not really: since I've been tapering off celexa and also cycling more rapidly, I've lost 10 lbs. That's awesome. I'm a stress/binge eater, so to lose weight as a result of The Crazy is a pretty damn exciting thing to me. Guess I'll be wandering over to the eating disorders forum next... :wacko:

I don't really have a question or poll or deep thought or anything. Just wanted to get it all out of my head and written down, and I figured this was probably the best/safest place to do that.

k

ETA: fixed stuff, and thanks mods for fixing the typo in my title.

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I hope the new meds kick in fast. I know, it sucks hanging around waiting. That part always scares me, especially with the Lamictal because it has such a loooong titration. When I took Abilify it was a few days later that I started to feel better.

I get not being able to fall down. We need my paycheck too, and I would feel horrible having to drop the kids on the inlaws (while my husband is working) if i had to go inpatient. Puts more stress on me to be stable. When is your next appt?

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I hope the new meds kick in fast. I know, it sucks hanging around waiting. That part always scares me, especially with the Lamictal because it has such a loooong titration. When I took Abilify it was a few days later that I started to feel better.

I get not being able to fall down. We need my paycheck too, and I would feel horrible having to drop the kids on the inlaws (while my husband is working) if i had to go inpatient. Puts more stress on me to be stable. When is your next appt?

I don't have a next appt yet. Pdoc and I have mostly communicate by phone. I was supposed to call him this week but it's already Wednesday and I haven't. He knows I'm done with the celexa taper today and so he's ready to prescribe the next step but wanted me to call so we can make a final decision on lithium (his preference but it scares the sh*t out of me) or abilify. Knowing him, he's going to give me to the end of the week then he'll call me.

Last we talked (2 weeks ago), he said he wants me to come in some time in Sept. He makes me come in for face-to-face appts every 6 months or so, more often if I'm unstable/working out meds.

Sometimes I get resentful that I can't fall. I see other people lose it and get the help they need and they get to check out of their day-to-day life for awhile and I get jealous. But then I get really mad at myself for thinking that way because, from the outside, I have a great life and what kind of ungrateful person would throw that all away or walk away from it?

k

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Sometimes I get resentful that I can't fall. I see other people lose it and get the help they need and they get to check out of their day-to-day life for awhile and I get jealous. But then I get really mad at myself for thinking that way because, from the outside, I have a great life and what kind of ungrateful person would throw that all away or walk away from it?

k

From the outside, everyone has a good life. :) You wouldn't be walking away, think of it as a desperate attempt to get help, which says to me that you really need to go to the pdoc more often and get a good med cocktail going. If he won't see you more often, I'd switch. Even when you're stable, i think 6 months is way too long. I don't know how he can possibly get an accurate picture of what's going on over the phone. I know mine wouldn't. There are things I do in person you wouldn't be able to tell over the phone. Like for example, when I'm all wonky and mixed or hypo, I'll sit there in the office tracing the patterns on the carpet with my eyes until I realize he's watching me and I snap back to reality.

My point is, call the doc and make him see you. If things are that bad that he was considering inpatient, phone visits aren't gonna cut it.

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What wj74 said. Phone conversations do not equal actual visits. The doctor needs to see you in person, your actions, your behaviors, your personal appearance, and hear you try and talk your way through things in order to get a valid picture of your mental state. I told a pdoc recently that I had extreme anxiety. He didn't really believe me until he saw me in person and noticed that I couldn't stop bouncing my leg up and down a hundred times a minute from the pent up anxiety. THEN he got it that I had extreme anxiety.

When I realized I could no longer work and applied for SSDI, our family went without 45% of our regular income for 6 months. To tell you the truth, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and certainly the most stressful. But we made it through it in one piece. If you have to take off work for a week or two, it may seem catastrophic right now, but I'll bet you that you will adapt and make it happen financially. That's just what you have to do. Your health comes first.

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I see my pdoc every 4-6 weeks when I'm well. I see her more like every 2 weeks when I'm not. She gets me in within a couple days if I call. This is optimal, but not so far off usual quality care. Every six months is not really treatment. Get your dude to see you a lot more frequently in person or get a pdoc who will. As wj74 said, phone just doesn't cut it.

edit typo

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i agree that this is not a phone call situation.

that said, I get not falling off the cliff, i have no ability to do that right now, as my husband is off work, ironically, due to mi issues. but is there a middle ground? could you cut your hours a bit, for a while? That's what I did and we are flat broke, and things will eventually be working out. i took the time to get started in intensive outpatient tx (dbt weekly which is a 5 hr round trip for me, so it really equates to a day).

I also took 3.5 weeks off while getting off zoloft. i HAD TO. It would have been unethical for me to practice, honestly. sometimes, you just do what you have to, and the chips fall a bit where they may. somehow, one always makes it through.....

Anna

I find being bp that tapering OFF Ads is worse than going on them. They cause some utterly horrible mixed, rapid cycling states that are just unbearable. i've heard other people go through this too, so the end may be in sight with the celexa w/d almost over, also. keeping my fingers crossed for you..

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