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Been thinking about this, thought I'd throw it out there to see if anyone can relate:

It seems I remember a time where I just LIVED my life, not thinking about it, just LIVING it. I never thought "why do I feel this way "Why are my brain chemicals screwed up", "What if the meds dont work", "Why, why, why, what if, what if, ahhhhhhh!!!!!". My life never required this much thought and effort before. I didnt walk around with a pit in my stomach. The world didnt seem so off-kilter. I was a contributing human being instead of a quivering waste of space. Is that possible? AND, wonder of wonders, I was content....happy at times, sad when appropriate, but basically content. Will it ever be that way again? I remember it......is it just an illusion?

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I don't think it was an illusion at the time you thought that way. and depression is a struggle, one I'm not sure if it will ever go away myself. I think it gets a little easier once you realize that you're not going to just wake up one day and be "over" depression. god, i wish it worked that way, but sadly it doesn't. :(

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I don't have depression (any more) but I do feel like my symptoms have gotten in the way of me just living. I used to not have a problem, but since being diagnosed I feel like I have to reality check everything before actually doing anything. So I don't just live any more. But I do hope that in time I will be able to move past this stage.

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Other than my very lovely 5 year remission in the "oughts," I haven't really got much of a history of "just living life." My childhood was pretty chaotic. My mood was constantly awful from 1981 to 2000. I was way more incapacitated by depression then, than I am with hypo and mixed episodes now. Although I would rather be depressed (before 2000) than mixed (after 2005). But anyway, most of my life, I was either struggling with school, or struggling with my job, or unable to work, or to even find work.

And now with the migraines thrown in, I can't work again.

That 5 year break sure was lovely though. But at that point, I had already been told I wasn't to work full time, even when I felt better. So even then, it still wasn't "normal" comparatively.

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Shellbel, I had 52 years of a very happy "normal" life---with the usual ups and downs that all of us have. I became depressed as a result of taking a med that lists depression as a side effect. Actually, I was on TWO meds that can cause it.

Anyway, I can't go off that med for other reasons, so I chose to take an anti-depressant and change my lifestyle. As Stacia points out, you are not taking an antidepressant, which I would think would be your first line of attack.

Are you in therapy, or seeing a psychiatrist? If you are, you need to talk to them about your meds.

You can overcome depression and carry on with your life, and it might return to the way it was before. But you have to treat the depression. It won't go away just because you want it to.

olga

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Thanks, everyone, for your insight. I have been seeing a t-doc for about a month now. She supports my recent decision to resume an AD. I had been on Paxil for years, seemed to not be working so well. Back in April, tapered off Paxil while tapering up on Prozac. Felt horrible. I dont know if I honestly gave the Prozac enough time. However, P doc had me quit the Prozac, and wait and see....and here we are, sinking down the rabbit hole faster every day. Have appt w/Pdoc tomorrow and will probably get rx for new AD. HOWEVER, as noted, I am on Atenolol. For the first time ever, today, AFTER 25 YEARS........I read that it can have the side effect of, wait for it......DEPRESSION!!!!! I am soooooo angry with myself for glossing over that. I generally agonize over any side effects of any med that I take. I was put on it to lower my heartrate to prevent bouts of tachycardia as I have a mitral valve prolapse. I was more concerned with cardiac side effects and through the years have just become comfortable being on it, never actually re-checking side effects since I didnt think I had any! S@#t! Gee, after 3 bouts of depression through the years, dont you think my PCP, Cardiologist or Pdoc might have said,"Hmmmm, could this be the problem"?!!!

So, if I go off Atenolol would the depression go away? I would still need something to keep my heart rate low, and control my blood pressure. Never been diagnosed with hypertension, as I've been on the beta blocker since I was too young to have it, but I suspect I do since it's rampant in my family. Oh well, that's up to the docs to figure out......with my very vocal input!

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I am depressed and take atenolol too. But I was depressed long before I ever took atenolol. I guess you are looking at all possibilities

Your post made me remember the warnings on some antipsychotics: may cause hallucinations and delusions. lol What the....

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I think that this heart med is definitely one that you need to discuss with your doctor. There are lots of drugs for hypertension and lowering heart rate and all that good stuff. Surely there must be one that doesn't have depression as a side effect.

It's a good object lesson. I first came to Crazyboards to figure out why I was depressed, and reading the various posts sent me off the Drugs.com........where I found out that my Glaucoma meds had depression listed as a side effect. So I can be blind and happy, or sighted and depressed. Great choice, eh? Fortunately, I finally found an AD that works for me, and I hope that you can find one, too.

Good luck and stay on top of those doctors! Hold their feet to the fire! heh Seriously, we all need to take control of our own treatments and health care, because even the best doctor can overlook a detail. I double-check EVERYTHING now. I know it's hard to be aggressive when you are depressed and feeling that everything is hopeless, but it ISN'T hopeless. It may be that the right antidepressant could give you back your life.

olga

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